Saturday, April 27, 2013

Doing the Limbo

As I've probably mentioned before in this blog, I am an ENTJ on the MBTI Personality Type. That last axis, J, is what causes me the most issues, especially in relationships with P's, the other type. J stands for judging, and it means that I like things to have a finite direction or ending. I don't like to be left hanging. P, on the other hand, stands for perceiving, and those folks are okay with letting things roll out in any direction they want to go.

Perhaps it's a lesson I am supposed to learn that I keep partnering with P's. These men have been go-with-the-flow types, not terribly focused on what's next. In short, this drives me CRAZY. I'm left wondering and trying to figure out what's up, which sends me right to the T of the equation, or thinking. Many of my P partners are F in that category, or feeling. T and J tend to fit well together, just as F and P do; often, you'll find more thoughtful, caring folks with that latter MBTI reading.

Lately, I have been in quite the limbo, and my J is SCREAMING at me. I'm actually not even sure if I am still in a relationship or am single at this point; that's how open ended my life has become. While part of me (that pesky J part) wants to pick up the phone and pointedly ask, "What the hell?!" I know full well that the P in the other person wouldn't take kindly to that kind of "attack." So I remain in limbo.

While all of these thoughts are stirring in my head, and I'm unsure if I'm half of a couple or just a single, I am reading Capture His Heart, an ebook series that serendipitously showed up as a suggested post in my Facebook feed. While much of what I've read so far could be chalked up to common sense, none of it is very natural to me.

To capture a man (which sounds like some kind of awful ploy, but it's really not based on trickery), the basic rules of relationships apply: be confident, be sexy, focus on him, draw him out with great questions, treat yourself well, build him up with admiration and appreciation. Like I said, they're all pretty basic. I'm eager to get to the section about the seven massive mistakes to avoid at all costs, but the ebook is laid out in such a way that only a section or two is available each day—and this section doesn't open for two more days. I'm sure I've covered all of them numerous times, so I'm ready to beat myself up about that one!

I guess, so far, the hardest part for me to remember in all of this is the "it's all about me" component. Being a bit narcissistic myself, I am there, but I forget that others view the world from the same lens. When I post something on Facebook or in this blog, it IS all about me; it's not about any other person (unless it's about MY feelings regarding that person). I post generic things all the time on my Facebook feed—with no intended hidden meanings or targeted recipient—and still everyone else draws a conclusion about what I mean. I've called myself high maintenance, highly sexual, intense, and even reactive...but I'm only talking about myself. Such posts often result in texts and messages from well-meaning friends to ask if I'm okay in my relationship or life. They're extrapolating, but they're often incorrect in the direction they take. There's a reason I'm vague in some of my posts: I don't want to give up too much and I'm really just sharing my feelings.

Right now, I'm sharing that I'm in limbo. I'm not crying, upset, or hurt. I don't need a call to make sure I'm okay (if I do, I will reach out). Limbo naturally leads me to a confused state since I like neatly folded conclusions that are wrapped with a bow. But I guess life isn't like that. I'm learning, and that's the best I can do.

Monday, April 22, 2013

The Balance of Power

"Perception is everything"—and often it is completely off kilter when it comes to interpersonal communications. One person usually feels as if he or she is giving much more than he or she is receiving, which leads to hurt feelings, different perceptions, and, ultimately, a harmful breakdown of communication. We've all seen it, whether in our personal relationships or on our favorite TV show or movie. This imbalance of power, if you will, may be all in one person's mind, but it is the beginning of a downward spiral.

In my first marriage, I gave and gave. I shared thoughtful little gifts, including cards and even a candy bar I picked up at the store while getting groceries. Unfortunately, from my point of view, my kindness wasn't as appreciated as I would have liked, and it certainly wasn't reciprocated. I felt drained with all of my giving.

In my next major relationship, he gave much more than I did. I had been burned by giving and not receiving, so I cut way back (which, of course, wasn't fair to this partner). He gave so much that I felt smothered. He gave of his time, he gave gifts, and I appreciated so little of it. He questioned my love for him.

With my second husband, I think we both gave a lot at the beginning, and then neither of us gave much of ourselves anymore after our son was born. We were so busy giving to him that there was precious little left to share with each other. I wanted him to give more, while he felt unappreciated for all he felt he was giving to the relationship. Perception was off and neither of us talked about it.

Since that marriage ended, I have taken a bird's-eye view of how relationships work and seriously evaluated my part in them, both past and present. I read The Five Love Languages. I watched Fireproof. But emotions are emotions: no matter how much we attempt to train them, they're going to go their own way. We are going to jump to conclusions that, oftentimes, are incorrect.

This is a good time to share with you my view on women's emotions and relationships. I think that women are natural givers; we have so much we want to share with the world, and we just emanate love. Much like the lost little baby in the book Are You My Mommy?, we wander around looking for an outlet for those emotions. "Can I love you?" "How about you?" "Are you the one?" Then we find the person who feels like he is worthy of our affection and we give it! We share our emotions so readily that the man feels as if he's been slapped upside the head with them. His perception may be that the woman is a bit needy and codependent; our perception may be that he is standoffish and fearful of commitment. And if we don't talk about these feelings (which it seems that most people don't), we're likely to again have an imbalance of power and skewed perceptions.

Being in a relationship is a bit like dancing. One person leads and the other follows, yet unlike on the dance floor, the person who leads can be either the man or woman, and it may shift throughout their time together. I guess I'm still unsure when I should lead and when I should follow, and when I do follow, I feel out of control and am guessing. In effect, my perception is that my partner doesn't care about me as much as I care about him. It's frustrating, but when I take the lead, I then feel as if I'm pushing too hard.

Honestly, I'm not sure that I have a point with my post. Perhaps it's more a stream of consciousness to get some things off my chest. Suffice it to say that I am learning every single day, and although I think and feel profoundly, it takes two people to create a winning relationship. Maybe I need to learn how to dance.

Monday, April 15, 2013

Dating or a Relationship?

I'm the first to admit that I'm not good at dating. I'm really good at being in a relationship, but that dating thing eludes me. It might be one of the reasons I've not "dated" many people; I have, however, been in a good number of relationships. This realization hit me the other day while looking at my "dating relationship" I'm in with DW.

In the first two months, I am immersed. I tell myself I am in love before I truly do love the other person, and I want to be with him constantly, almost like a parched person looking to him for water. This has one of two effects: (1) We build a codependent relationship and are both as immersed, or (2) I completely scare the crap out of him. Either way—although the first option may feel like a win—I'm setting myself up for disaster.

What I've discovered is that, if the man and I don't move in together immediately and are forced to take more time, I balance out around the third month. And surprisingly, the other person gets more into the relationship at that point. Case in point with DW: This week marks the third month we've been dating, and although I certainly want to talk to him, see him, and be with him, it's not out of a sense of urgent insecurity. DW, on the other hand, is calling and texting me more than during the first two months (when I felt like I had to ration out how often I communicated with him). Of course, this could also be because we've not had a weekend together for two weeks and have only seen each other once during that time, but I think it's more about how long we've been dating; we've had long breaks from each other in the past and they were different.

In the past, I've moved very quickly into a relationship, but since nothing ever lasted, that apparently wasn't the way to do it. With DW, circumstances have forced me to take more time, and thankfully, he has told me when I've made it feel like we're rushing and he's been freaked out. Yes, I'm certainly in a relationship now, but we have the added benefit of dating, which is really nice. There's no pressure to do anything other than be together and enjoy each other's company.

Of course, I'm still spaghetti to DW's waffle, and I want to include him in other aspects of my life. But he declines most of the time, in lieu of spending one-on-one time. I guess it's about time I learn to date and remain calm about the whole process. It's nice to allow it to unfold naturally.

Monday, April 1, 2013

Respect the Waffle

Recently, DW and I had a "discussion" about boundaries. Apparently, I have very few, and he has many. For me, I certainly have various components of my life, but they all meld together pretty well. For DW, however, he has everything compartmentalized: work, kids, alone time, me. Very rarely do those compartments of his life intersect.

So in I come with plans to go do things with the boys, looking ahead to the future so far that I've discussed us living together...and DW thinks I'm rushing, scared that all I'm after is a husband as soon a possible. Naturally, he got a little freaked out about the idea of his compartmentalized life coming together, especially when he feels like he has little say in the matter.

It seems this is a man's way of looking at the world. In speaking later to a male and female friend, it was described to me thusly: Women organize their life like spaghetti; everything is grouped together and blends well. Men, on the other hand, organize their life like a waffle, keeping everything separated. As the guy friend said, "Respect the waffle!"

It may go back to the fact that men seem more reluctant to change than women, so perhaps that's a reason behind the compartmentalizing. When they separate out parts of their lives, they have more control of things, keeping them the same longer if they remain in their own unique buckets. Women are natural multitaskers, going in and out of ideas and activities almost seamlessly, hence the spaghetti idea.

The end result of this conversation with DW, and the one that followed with my other friends, was that I am respecting the waffle. When I talk to DW about future plans or integrating things, I am better able to explain myself in a way that acknowledges his need for separation yet explains my spaghetti approach. And at the end of the day, it's that ability to communicate that makes all the difference in a relationship.