The Definition of an Alpha Male

I have a number of non-alpha male friends who, from time to time, share with me that they think alpha men are not what I should seek. They are the assholes of the dating world, they say, and just looking for an easy bedding.

While I understand we all have different perspectives, that sounds more like they're saying I really want them, the nice guys that they are who will take care of me. I know how we sometimes want so badly to be what we think that person wants that we will try to convince them that what they're seeking isn't it. I've been there. It never works.

So, to clear the air, I will "define" an alpha male for you. (Here's another good blog on the traits of an alpha.) I know some, and they are definitely strong men who are gentle. While they certainly could play those games to get a woman in bed, at their core, they are kind and thoughtful; if they find a woman they respect, they will be the perfect pair.

An alpha male is typically a D on the DISC assessment.
If you're not familiar with DISC, you can do a search for it on the Web and learn more. In a nutshell, D stands for dominant, and it means these people are straight shooters who are honest, direct, and strong. They don't waffle or play games. They are in charge and respect others who speak their minds.

An alpha male respects women.
There are the dicks at the bar looking to get laid, but they are not alpha men (most of the time); they're just assholes. Alpha men appreciate the softness of a woman and will go out of their way to take care of and protect the women they love.

An alpha male is self-confident.
One of the most alluring aspects of an alpha man is his confidence. He is not a pompous ass, but he knows his mind. He doesn't question everything he does or says; he acts from a place of relaxed self-assuredness.

An alpha male pays attention.
Alpha men don't have to ask if a woman is interested in them. They can read the signs. They will only make a move if they're 99% sure they won't get rejected. And if they do get rejected, they don't take it personally. They learn from the mistake, apologize, and move on.

An alpha male knows when "no" means "no" — and when it doesn't.
An asshole will push right through that "no," sometimes leading to dire consequences; he is there for one purpose and one purpose only. Because alpha men respect women and pay attention, they rarely get themselves in situations where the woman is having to choose. They know the difference between "I really don't want you" and "I want you, but you have to try harder."

For me, when I am with alpha men, I find myself feeling much more feminine and, of course, highly turned on. Even someone I wouldn't find traditionally attractive jumps up that scale when he is confident and alpha. If you're a man and unsure what women really want from a man, read my friend's blog, which explains the balance I mean. But be warned: You can only pretend to be an alpha for a short time; it is an air that surrounds you, and if you don't have it, you just don't.

Inside the Brain of a ... Woman?

I have a male friend who writes erotica. I've read some of his stuff, as well as his blog, and I'm pretty sure we share the same brain. This man is the epitome of an alpha male: he is strong, confident, and very sexually charged. I, of course, am an alpha female, and I am all of those things too. He and I are two halves of the same whole.*

I've been told by a few of my male friends (this one included) that I don't think like most women. I am either a unicorn (because they don't exist in nature) or a man. Apparently, I am more sexually driven than most women are, although I don't make stupid choices and run around town jumping into bed with every man I meet. In fact, in the past two years, I have only been with one man. I can't seem to find a man who wants a woman like me. I think I scare them.

At our core, men want to be dominant and women want to be submissive. It's how we're wired. I don't mean that men have to be assholes and women have to be doormats; there's compromise in all things. What I mean is that men need to step up to the plate a lot more than they have been.

This friend wrote a blog for men about how to be on a first date. Get there early. Stand when she comes into the room. Push in her chair. Talk about her. And if you feel the timing and chemistry are right, kiss her: gently at first and then more forcefully, pulling her hair a little and pinning her to the wall. That's what most women want, even if too many are too afraid to say it.

I'm not afraid. I know what I want. I want a true man who is confident, kind, and assertive. I want a man who is gentle yet knows how to read the signs. I want a man who appreciates a woman who has a strong mind yet will acquiescence in the right situations. Of course, I've been single for four years now and still haven't found that man. In fact, I don't think I've ever dated a man like that. Which is sad, really, not just for me but for all women. Where have the men gone?


*You may wonder why this man and I are not dating. Believe me, I have tried, but he doesn't want a relationship. I represent something much more than he is looking for. So instead of moving anywhere, we remain platonic friends.

The FB Dance

It's been a year since I dated anyone. Sure, I've been on dates, but intimacy (or even a second date, for that matter) hasn't hit my radar in 12 calendar months. So, well-meaning friends have stepped up to help with the suggestion that I take on an FB (some have even volunteered themselves). I've thought about it, of course; a year of celibacy will make one think about a lot of things. My issue, though, is that setting up an FB is about the same amount of work as setting up a person to date, so if I'm going through that dating ritual, why would I limit myself?

If I meet someone out in the world with the intention of becoming FBs, I still need time to "rev up." In other words, I'm not planning to jump into the sack with anyone right away. We still have to get to know each other and develop some kind of connection before the clothes come off. And then there's the whole rigamarole after we're naked: What do you like? What do I like? How do we fit together? It's exhausting just thinking about it!

What I would rather have is, as I'm calling it, a lease with an option to buy. There are no guarantees in life, and I can't know now where things will end up next week or next year, but why not keep that door open?

For me, there are only two ways an FB situation can work:

1. If one or both of us is married.
2. If we dated in the past and we're recycling. 

I've had FBs in both of those situations, and I'll be honest with you: the first doesn't feel all that good. Although I've never cheated on a partner, if he is, I don't feel good about that either. I have, however, recycled people from time to time, and that's pretty awesome. Even after years of not seeing an ex, when I visited the area where he lived, we were able to easily fall into old patterns—if only for the weekend. There were no expectations and no awkwardness because, although we cared for each other, there was no deep emotion to mess up the purely physical component.

In our casual, disposable society, few people seem willing to latch on for an adventure together, but they're more than willing to roll in the hay a bit. It's frustrating, and it's keeping me from enjoying the ups and downs a relationship can offer.

Loving in Tandem

While driving this morning, I spotted a couple on a tandem bicycle, and it struck me that a tandem bike is a bit of a metaphor for how we need to find that gentle balance in a relationship and work together to make things progress smoothly. When we do, they turn out great and the effort is minimal. Here are my thoughts:

• The man steers and takes the brunt of any obstacles in the way (dirt, etc.).
• Both people have to be giving equal—or at least close to equal—effort to make the bike move.
• They have to be balanced; if one is off, they'll fall over.

When things go smoothly, they can both enjoy the ride and point out to the other person sites they may have missed. It seems like perfect harmony to me. 

Cat & Mouse

It seems that the game of cat and mouse is one of the oldest, yet I'm just now starting to get the hang of it—at 41 years of age.

In my dating life, I have been the cat, wanting to be the mouse. But who wants to give up that much control and pine, wait, and whine for the cat to catch up with me? So I've turned the tables and pounced on the would-be cat, confusing both of us and reversing the logical order of things. Traditionally, it has more or less set up the eventual failure of the relationship.

At the moment, I am interested in a man in my life. He and I met as potential dating partners, but after discovering he was looking for an NSA FB situation, while I was searching for something more substantial, we chose to "agree to disagree" and become friends. The kicker is that, on paper, we're pretty perfect for each other. So he has continued to have an FB, I have continued to search for a dating partner, and we have spoken to each other regularly. But I have been the one making all of the calls.

Granted, he's always taken my call or been quick to get back to me, but who's doing the chasing? Yep, that's me meowing in the corner.

Not too long ago, this man let me know that men like to be on the prowl. They don't know what to do when a woman takes the lead. Hmm... was that a hint? Since then, I have not reached out to him. What happened, you ask? He started calling me! First it was every other week, but when I didn't respond, it turned into two times a week. I still haven't actually called him back; instead, I've sent texts to the effect of: "Hey. Doing xx. Catch you later."

Sure, it's a game, and I hate games. I would much rather call when I want to call, blah, blah, blah. Is this what dating has become?

Shiny New Objects

What is the lure of having something new? I just bought new Wonder Woman Converse over the weekend, and wearing them for the first time today was a bit of a high. When I got my new iPhone, I was so proud and casually showed it off to anyone who was looking. But why is this? Why is it that we never seem to be happy enough with what we have and are always looking for something new?

The same could be said for relationships. I have friends who've been married nearly 20 years, and while I—as a single person—was lamenting the dating game, they were pointing out that that knowing someone that well has its disadvantages as well. If you're staying committed, you certainly won't experience a new person again. Is that why people cheat?

There's definitely something to be said about having something new. We get to have different experiences, check out all the bells and whistles, and see how things work. In a new relationship, we aren't yet at the point of taking each other for granted, and we spend a lot of time just being together. In this disposable society, when we own something that's not working, we usually don't get it fixed; we buy something new. And technology just feeds that need for shiny new objects by coming out with upgrades regularly. The question is: What is this obsession with the latest and greatest doing for our relationships?

Dating Personas

I've taken a lot of time recently (meaning the last few years) to think about what I'm looking for in a man as I move forward. A lot of the talk has been about finding an alpha man, since I get perturbed when I'm with a man who seems to have no backbone. But maybe I've been barking up the wrong tree.

Yesterday, while out with a couple who's been together for the better part of 20 years, we talked about this. The point was: Have I ever seen two alphas in a relationship? And have I even been with an alpha? Do I know if I can yield? The truth: I've never been with a strong man. When I was younger, they freaked me out. Now, I find so few of them—and they kind of freak me out still. Losing control is a serious vulnerability for me.

The conversation continued that evening when I hung out with my very good friend (brother from another mother). He and I dated for a couple of years a decade ago, so he has a unique perspective I can't gain from others. I asked him, "Do you see me as sexually aggressive / assertive?" After thinking about it for a few minutes, he said yes. I told him about my dilemma, and he asked, "Who do you want people to see when you're putting yourself out there?" Hmm...

This relates back to a business meeting I had on Friday. That company creates personas of potential target markets so the clients have a better understanding of how to reach those targets. What if I create a persona of the people I want to meet? And then create a persona for me?

My friend asked if I want to be the cute girl, sexually alluring, smart, etc. I know I DON'T want to be the sexually alluring person; that sets me up as sexually aggressive, and that's not at all who I am. I'm much more the smart, funny girl, the one who enjoys getting nerdy talking about language, culture, tech gadgets, and comic-book characters. I love men who can carry on conversations about those kinds of things and who are smarter in them than I am. Of course, I want them to be attractive and fit as well, which might be where I'm tripping myself up.

I think what it boils down to is trying too hard. If I test every man who shows up as a potential dating partner, I'll scare a majority of them away before we even get started. And if I make all kinds of rules about whom I'll talk to, I'll likely talk to no one.

So I'm going to create a persona for my ideal guy and a persona for how I fit best with that man. Then I'm going to be me because, honestly, I really like who I am when I'm authentic. At least I know I'm already happy, so I won't be losing anything there.

False Pretenses?

I am not good at attracting men. I'm not sure that I ever have been, which is kind of weird to say for someone who was nearly always dating someone from the time I was 17 until recently. In my early years, I was obsessed with men wanting me for my looks, since I was always seen as one of the guys. But then that put me into a different category: If I'm one of the guys and attractive, I must be easy. That's something I never was, so that leads me back to where I am now: creeping up on one year of celibacy and dating only one man in four years (for a mere two months).

Recently, I was talking to one of my many male friends (one of the guys, remember?), and we were talking about how I scare men by being so frank and honest. He knows me pretty well, and he suggested that had I been more subtle at the beginning and then opened up the layers to reveal that more aggressive, atypical female side, it would have been way more attractive.

Today, I asked another male friend who knows me as well as the first, and he agreed completely. Apparently, one must appear to be like 99% of the women out there, and then—only once the man is smitten—reveal who one really is. In other words, if I want to win, I have to play the game.

Just as I'm not good at attracting men, I'm equally poor at playing games. I play to win, and I am aggressive. Just ask anyone who's played me in Words with Friends. And I'm scared to death of losing, to be honest about it.

If I am more demure at the beginning, I'm more vulnerable. I don't have a way to vet out potential partners if I don't test them at the beginning by tossing out sexual innuendos and seeing how they respond. I want a man who is unafraid of my banter and will volley with me. Can this be achieved with softness?

Actually, I tried that approach not too long ago, around the same time a coach gave me a DISC assessment. That showed me to be fighting with myself and not being true to who I am. As the coach pointed out, if I catch a man as one person and then am really someone else, he'll likely run anyway. So wouldn't I rather he run at the get-go instead of after I'm invested?

My head hurts....

Testing 1...2...3

Recently, I've met a few men who have flirted with me (they talked to me longer than five minutes, which men tell me constitutes as flirting). This is a rarity both for it to happen and for me to notice it is happening, believe me. What I've also noticed is that I am pretty consistent in testing them before it goes too much farther.

If you talk to one of my male friends who fashions himself a life coach, he'll tell you that women are constantly testing, and maybe that's true. I know that I definitely do it, because I want to make sure we'll be compatible and that he can deal with all of the different facets of me. I'm not sure that I do it while I'm actually in a relationship, but it's been so long since that happened that I can't really say.

In the process of testing, I'll drop little things that give the guy a hint of who I might be if we move forward. I'll talk about sex, tell silly jokes, mention that I host and attend clothing-optional pool parties. The truth of the matter, of course, is that all of these things are truly topical and not at all what define me. They hide the real me who is vulnerable and really wants to be the beta or submissive female to an alpha, dominant man in a trusting partnership. But the man has to get through my superficial tests before I let him know about that part of me.

Ladies: Do you routinely test men as either part of your dating or ongoing relationship?
Men: Have you been (or felt you've been) tested by a woman? How have you dealt with it?

What's the Statute of Limitations on Longing?

In the past week, I have had two extremely vivid dreams about the first love of my life, the "one who got away" shortly after I turned 30. Mind you, I am now 41, so why would I possibly still be thinking about a man who walked out of my life 11 years ago? Shouldn't my brain and heart have purged him by now?

The man in question was the first man I truly loved, and I was sure he was "the one." Unfortunately, his parents had a lot of money and, therefore, a lot of pull. Eventually, they pulled him away from me. Since he was never horrible to me, it was always hard to see him in a bad light (unlike the second love of my life), and maybe that contributes to his recent appearances in my dreams. Of course, it could also be that I'm quickly approaching my one-year anniversary of celibacy. Seriously, after this long, pretty much everything looks good to me.

So what do you think? How long have you continued to think about a lost love? What did you do to purge?

First Valentine's Day, Then....

Have you heard of Steak and a Blow Job Day? A friend of mine turned me onto it recently, and as I've started asking people about it, I'm surprised at how many people have heard of this unique observation. Naturally, the men who know of it outnumber the women.

There's even a website for this special day. The celebration is on March 14, exactly one month after Valentine's Day. And that's no accident. Since men are traditionally responsible for the romance factor on February 14, one month later, women get to return the favor. And even if you don't eat cow meat, you can still indulge; the friend who told me about this day enjoyed an ahi tuna steak before his wife fulfilled on the second half of the promise.

While I'm all for fun—and I agree this is a seriously fun idea—what I don't understand is why it would be necessary. As I told another friend who knew of this annual celebration, if I were in a relationship, all my guy would have to do is ask to receive a BJ. It's that just part of a healthy relationship? Of course, I'm sure the opposite argue could be that men should just show their love year round without need for hearts and flowers. (My guy friend said I'm in the minority here; most men are lucky to get one BJ a year, so they look forward to this opportunity.)

What do you think? Have you heard of this day? Would you celebrate it?

After the Love...Who Bounces Back Faster?

At a small dinner party with a few friends, we started talking about relationships. One of the men at the party said he thinks that women tend to bounce right into the next relationship after the previous one ends, whereas men stay single longer, lamenting about the one who got away.

This perplexed me. In my life, I've seen my exes get into new relationships much faster than I have, especially when love was involved. If I was in love, I took a good deal of time to get over and purge that man from my heart before stepping into something new. On the other side of the coin, the men have married within 1-2 years of our partnership ending. That seems pretty fast to me.

Of course, I do tend to approach the world of dating and relationships more from a male's perspective, so maybe that's where the difference lies in my experiences. But when I look at my friends' ins and outs of dating on Facebook, most jump pretty quickly—regardless of gender. So maybe it's just a human nature thing: We don't want to be alone.

What's your experience?