Cat & Mouse

It seems that the game of cat and mouse is one of the oldest, yet I'm just now starting to get the hang of it—at 41 years of age.

In my dating life, I have been the cat, wanting to be the mouse. But who wants to give up that much control and pine, wait, and whine for the cat to catch up with me? So I've turned the tables and pounced on the would-be cat, confusing both of us and reversing the logical order of things. Traditionally, it has more or less set up the eventual failure of the relationship.

At the moment, I am interested in a man in my life. He and I met as potential dating partners, but after discovering he was looking for an NSA FB situation, while I was searching for something more substantial, we chose to "agree to disagree" and become friends. The kicker is that, on paper, we're pretty perfect for each other. So he has continued to have an FB, I have continued to search for a dating partner, and we have spoken to each other regularly. But I have been the one making all of the calls.

Granted, he's always taken my call or been quick to get back to me, but who's doing the chasing? Yep, that's me meowing in the corner.

Not too long ago, this man let me know that men like to be on the prowl. They don't know what to do when a woman takes the lead. Hmm... was that a hint? Since then, I have not reached out to him. What happened, you ask? He started calling me! First it was every other week, but when I didn't respond, it turned into two times a week. I still haven't actually called him back; instead, I've sent texts to the effect of: "Hey. Doing xx. Catch you later."

Sure, it's a game, and I hate games. I would much rather call when I want to call, blah, blah, blah. Is this what dating has become?

Dating Personas

I've taken a lot of time recently (meaning the last few years) to think about what I'm looking for in a man as I move forward. A lot of the talk has been about finding an alpha man, since I get perturbed when I'm with a man who seems to have no backbone. But maybe I've been barking up the wrong tree.

Yesterday, while out with a couple who's been together for the better part of 20 years, we talked about this. The point was: Have I ever seen two alphas in a relationship? And have I even been with an alpha? Do I know if I can yield? The truth: I've never been with a strong man. When I was younger, they freaked me out. Now, I find so few of them—and they kind of freak me out still. Losing control is a serious vulnerability for me.

The conversation continued that evening when I hung out with my very good friend (brother from another mother). He and I dated for a couple of years a decade ago, so he has a unique perspective I can't gain from others. I asked him, "Do you see me as sexually aggressive / assertive?" After thinking about it for a few minutes, he said yes. I told him about my dilemma, and he asked, "Who do you want people to see when you're putting yourself out there?" Hmm...

This relates back to a business meeting I had on Friday. That company creates personas of potential target markets so the clients have a better understanding of how to reach those targets. What if I create a persona of the people I want to meet? And then create a persona for me?

My friend asked if I want to be the cute girl, sexually alluring, smart, etc. I know I DON'T want to be the sexually alluring person; that sets me up as sexually aggressive, and that's not at all who I am. I'm much more the smart, funny girl, the one who enjoys getting nerdy talking about language, culture, tech gadgets, and comic-book characters. I love men who can carry on conversations about those kinds of things and who are smarter in them than I am. Of course, I want them to be attractive and fit as well, which might be where I'm tripping myself up.

I think what it boils down to is trying too hard. If I test every man who shows up as a potential dating partner, I'll scare a majority of them away before we even get started. And if I make all kinds of rules about whom I'll talk to, I'll likely talk to no one.

So I'm going to create a persona for my ideal guy and a persona for how I fit best with that man. Then I'm going to be me because, honestly, I really like who I am when I'm authentic. At least I know I'm already happy, so I won't be losing anything there.