And I Really Don't Understand Anything Anymore

The other day, a (married) male friend of mine was at my house on a business call, and after talking for about an hour about life, love, and outlooks on the world (as we always do when we're together), I got the distinct feeling he was going to kiss me. I have learned to pay attention to this Spidey Sense, but the taking action part is what I missed because, shortly thereafter, he kissed me. It wasn't the "I'm Italian and kiss everyone on the lips" kiss I've gotten from some male friends; this was a kiss with intention. I struggled to keep my mouth closed, and I pulled away quickly, doing my best to laugh it off.

Then, today, I wandered around social media and saw that DW, my last relationship of three months, had stopped following me and my business on Twitter and Facebook. That whole situation confuses the hell out of me. "I love you" on Friday, "I'm not sure" on Sunday, "Let's break up" the following Saturday, unfriending me on Facebook a week later, and now, within a month, he's completely MIA. How does someone go from hot to ice cold in so short a time period?

These two incidents have shown me that I honestly have no fucking clue what's going on in the world. I think I'm pretty true to myself, I like who I am, and I am careful not to lead people on or be dishonest, yet a married, older man kissed me and a man who professed his love disappeared. I am left saying my new catchphrase, "Hubba-wha?!"

In speaking to my business coach this week, his suggestion was to really observe — both myself and others. According to him, I sent all kinds of signals to the kisser that I was interested, from inviting him into my house (even if for business) to talking about everything I know he discusses with everyone else we know. Likewise, I'm sure I was the culprit for creating the end to the relationship in which I was truly interested with DW.

I'm confused. I don't know what people are thinking — or why, for that matter — and I have zero clue as to their perceptions of me. I've been told that presenting as vulnerable and tender are the way to attract a man, yet he also wants a woman who is confident and assertive. How can I be both?

At this point, I'm ready to give up on the whole interpersonal relationship thing. It's way too fucking complicated.

Square Pegs and Round Holes

In the '80s, our Freaks and Geeks was a little-watched show called Square Pegs. It showcased Sarah Jessica Parker (way before Sex and the City) and was all about the trials and tribulations of being out of the norm in high school in the '80s. Possibly the most memorable parts of the show were the theme song, sung by the Waitresses, and Muffy Tepperman, Jami Gertz's character. Every time someone talks about square pegs, I think of this show and that theme.

Recently, DW said that we were trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole... this as he was ending our three-month relationship. It came out of left field for me since on a Friday night he was loving me and all happy, yet by Sunday evening he was done. The reason I received was that we had "misaligned passions," meaning that he felt I was completely in love with him while he wasn't there (although he did love me). He also acknowledged he's not quite over his marriage, which I already suspected.

Now, this isn't about DW as much as it's about me. I can't control what someone else thinks or feels anymore than I can control the weather. He had his own reasons for making the break, and I'm not going to question them. What I can do, though, is question myself and how I show up in relationships.

As I shared with DW, this isn't the first time I've felt as if the other person was telling me I was pushing. It happened when I dated the one other man since my divorce. At about two months, he said he felt as if I was pushing for a direction. I actually suggested to DW we call a Mulligan and start over—which he classified as a "bold suggestion" but ultimately vetoed. Hey, it could have been a good learning experience for both of us! :-)

I've been reading an interesting book about how to woo a man, and one of the key components is to not talk about emotions too soon and to give the guy a lot of space. While they certainly do have emotions, apparently many men are freaked out about talking about them too soon. And here I waltz in with my "I've been single way too long" feelings, tossing around emotions as if they're newspapers heading to the recycling bin.

The truth: I wasn't in love with DW. I loved him, yes, but I was working way too hard in that relationship. I was giving entirely too much, and I was already getting tired of it when he did his 180º turn. I want to have a man do wonderful things for me too! I think a great relationship is a two-way street, and each participant should give as good as he or she gets. When the balance was off with DW, it certainly did feel as if I'd grabbed a big hammer and was frantically trying to pound that square peg into a very round hole.

So I'm single again. I've learned that I tend to go way too fast and am highly intense and passionate, as well as reactive. I know that I am apt to latch onto a man because he's attractive, decent, and pays attention to me, whether we're a good fit or not. I need to focus on slowing down and enjoying the ride more than trying to figure out where we're going. It's a hard task for me, but I'm positive it will pay off in the end.

For now, though, I'm not looking. I went back online for a week, reached the end of the eligible men on OK Cupid, and closed up my account. I have too many irons in the fire right now, and I need to deal with those before I jump into anything new. It's always good to regroup after a relationship anyway, right?