Hindsight Leads to Second Guessing

We've all heard that hindsight is 20/20, but I call bullshit on that one. I know that we use the past as a tool from which to measure the present, but our viewpoint of our experiences is definitely clouded. When we're lonely, that not-so-great relationship seems not so bad; when we fall for a new person, we weigh him or her against those we've loved before. And all of this leads to second guessing what's going on now and what may transpire in the future. Frankly, it's exhausting.

But it's human nature.

I do it, and I see that the man I'm dating is doing it as well. We catch ourselves and avoid putting it all out there for each other to see. While our eyes clearly indicate that we love each other, and our desire to spend time together is evidence that we're looking to build something, neither of us has fully copped to it. Why is that? Well, I can't speak for him, but for me, I know it's about fear.

When I look back at my life, I can see that while I have loved many times, I was only truly in love twice. And since I'm with neither of those men, you can guess they ended—badly; with massive heartbreak. I'm not eager to repeat that feeling of utter loss and sadness. I am, however, very interested in creating something amazing that is long lasting and feeds my heart and soul. So how do I get one without moving into the other?

The other night, just as we were drifting off to sleep, this wonderful man whispered, "I love you." He was sleeping, so his subconscious shared with me how he feels, and since he's read these blogs, he knows how I feel, yet we hold back saying it directly. Hindsight? Second guessing? It's probably a bit of both.

I bring a lot more into this relationship than he does. I have a child, a dog, and a cat. I represent a COMMITMENT—yes, in big capital letters. That's freaky for even the best man to accept, especially after only a month of dating. I respect his desire to hold back a bit because of all of that. If I were in his shoes, I'd be scared too. Hell, I'm not in his shoes and I'm scared!

Ironically, many posts have been coming up in my Facebook feed lately about relationships. They say that a good relationship needn't be hard; instead, it should feel comfortable. They suggest that "the one" is the person with whom you can be 100% yourself and still feel accepted. I have been my crazy uncensored self with this man I love, and I do feel completely accepted. He's told me that I'm not like any woman he's dated, and I think that difference is what has allowed him to be himself with me. We've both let down our guards, and it is glorious.

So while hindsight tells me to be unsure, to second guess, and not to jump, my heart tells me this is the man I'm supposed to be with. This relationship is the happiness I've searched for. I've kissed a lot of frogs in my day, and this man is the prince.