No Wonder Airlines Charge for Baggage

I am genuinely a very happy person. Like most of us, I have experienced some amazing highs and heartbreaking lows in my life—and I choose to continue to look at the bright side in everything. Sometimes, though, the littlest things can remind me how much baggage I truly carry.

My man is out of town this weekend for a family birthday party. We text daily, but we're both busy with our weekend activities. I went to sleep early last night, saying good night to him before I drifted off.

This morning, I awoke to a later good-night text from him, which was super sweet (as he always is). I also had a good-morning text waiting for me. And then I checked my email.

There was an email from D with the subject line: My Dear Amanda Lynn (his nickname for me after I told him I thought of giving myself the middle name Lynn before I realized that would make me a musical instrument). While an email from D should make my heart soar, I had a minor panic attack. Was it a "Dear John" letter? Did his weekend away convince him that he'd be better off without me?

Of course, I have absolutely zero reason to doubt D or his love for me. In the two months we've been dating, our feelings have only gotten stronger. He's not gone running for the door with anything I've said to him (no matter how unfiltered I can be), and he is sweet and kind at every turn. So it certainly wasn't for any reason he had given that my heart sank a little and I started to sweat at just seeing the email in my inbox.

The truth is that we all have preconceived notions and back-of-the-mind thoughts about everything. My nagging concern is that D will wake up one day and realize that this is who I truly am, then question why he ever spent time with me in the first place. It has nothing to do with him and everything to do with the baggage I carry in my heart and mind on a daily basis. And I am wise enough to know that it is not his job to help me sort through this baggage; that is something only I can do. But it is clearly going to take some time and some doing.

After I talked myself off the ledge and started breathing again, I opened the email. As expected, it was nothing short of wonderful. D told me how much he loves me and how amazing I am. It was heartwarming, as he always has been.

I don't know how long I'll have these nagging feelings at the back of my mind, but I do know that I wrestle with them daily. Honestly, this is the first relationship in which I feel more secure about his feelings and haven't worried as much as I have in the past—about everything. That broken heart that lives inside me knows that we can never truly know another person's heart, but I push through every day to remember that D loves me and I have no reason to worry.

The Importance of Emotional Maturity

I follow a lot of relationship pages on Facebook, and many of them share great quotes and memes that really speak to me and sum up my viewpoints or feelings. Yesterday, I saw this one and thought, "Fuck yes!"

This quote from Reyna Biddy sums up my entire dating history in a way that I could not. In the past, I have referred to myself as a novelty that wears off after awhile, but this quote is even better. The idea of me is the novelty part that attracts them in the beginning, but once they realize that idea is also the reality, they run screaming from the room. I guess it's kind of strange to feel this way since I managed to get married twice, but neither of those lasted—probably because we didn't share the same level of emotional maturity.

When I was separating from my second husband, a friend at the time reflected that he'd noticed at the beginning of our relationship that my ex and I were not on the same emotional maturity level. In his eyes, we were doomed from the start. My ex was a frat boy always looking to drink and party; I was ready to settle down and have a family. We didn't have the same goals.

I have been in love three times, and the first two times, that novelty (or idea) wore out before too long. My second husband actually said I'm an island; I don't need anyone. I was very clear with the man I'm dating now that I am not who those people have perceived me to be. Sure, I'm not like a lot of the women I know or the women most men have dated. I am a WYSIWYG; I don't double talk or play games. For most men, this is what's refreshing at the beginning because they see me as independent and a straightforward communicator. They've been programmed to deal with passive-aggressive double talk, and they appreciate something different.

But then that changes. I'm intense. I know this. And for not-so-strong men, they almost prefer a more passive woman who stews in her own juices rather than speaking to him in a straightforward way.

Because I so identify with this quote, I posted it on my Facebook page. A few hours later, a friend reached out to me: "Did something happen?" I had no idea what she meant, and it turns out she and another friend figured my man and I had broken up since I posted this quote. I hadn't thought that people might worry, but when I read it again, I could see why they jumped to conclusions.

Nope, my man and I are secure. He's been out of town for more than a week on a fishing trip with his parents, so I miss him a lot, but I never worry about our relationship. Even though he's in an area where there's limited cell coverage, he texts me good morning and good night almost daily, and when he has gone into town, I have enjoyed a more robust text conversation. This wonderful man even texted on the morning of my son's first day of school to wish P a good day (his bio father didn't even do that). 

I believe that I have met the man who is emotionally mature enough to "handle" the reality of me. I have warned him, and he is not leaving. I have said things I'm sure I shouldn't have said, and he is still here. We have planned a family vacation to Disneyland over Halloween, so I have faith he is not going anywhere. 

So while this quote represents my dating life overall, it does not say anything about the man in my life now. He is a keeper, and I am so happy I am not a novelty to him. I thank my lucky stars every single day.