Choose Love

As we get older, I guess we mature a little bit—or at least we're supposed to. I am 46 now, and I think I have learned a few things through a number of relationships, being a mom, and running a business. The biggest thing I have probably learned is that life is a choice. We have a number of choices every single day. And I choose to be happy.

I have been with D now for more than a year. He is in my heart completely. He, P, and I have forged a  family. In fact, while D is currently out of town helping his family put on a roof, the four of us (P, the pets, and I) are at his home, which has somehow become our home.

When I entered into this relationship, I made a commitment to myself and to D that I would choose him every day. And I do, as he chooses me. Because of that, we don't have conflict. We don't argue. We don't raise our voices at each other. If we disagree, we speak calmly and listen. We approach every situation with love. Always. And what a difference that makes.

I have never had a relationship like this. Always, in the past, I have either been content and felt that I didn't need to focus on the relationship, or I was looking at others and wondering what life might be like there.

Here, I don't wonder. Sure, I can acknowledge an attractive man. But what I have is so much more than that. I find D extremely attractive, yet it's so much more than looks. He knows my heart; he knows my mind. He knows all of the buttons to push to turn me on. He's the first person I talk to in the morning and the last one at night.

Because we have chosen to be in this relationship, not only do we live a stress-free relationship, it's also not work. So often, I've heard, "You have to work at a relationship." All you really have to do is be present, listen, and love. And that's not work at all.

I learned that from being a mom. So many parents say being a parent is hard, but it's the same as any other relationship: When you are present, listen, and love, it's easy. Being a mom to P is very rarely work (sure, he's a kid; there are times). He taught me to love like this, to choose someone over anyone else.

Now I choose two people above all others. And it's easy. There aren't questions or concerns about the future. I know that D and I will be together when we're 90, and we'll still love each other then just as much as we love each other now.

Passion or Stability?

When looking for a relationship, most of us will say we want it all. We want to be swept off our feet at just the sight of that special someone, and we want something that feels comfortable and "right." But is that even possible?

I'm currently reading The Unhooked Generation, all about how Generation Xers have such high expectations that they cannot possibly be met. Male or female, we have a list of what we desire in a mate. I have it too, so I'm certainly not pointing fingers, but how far has that list gotten me? Sure, there should be certain things we want in a relationship; obviously, if you're not attracted to the person, it can't go much farther. And many of us look for mates who share similar values, but what about all that other "fluff"? Is it a requirement for life-long happiness?

Many singles are online, and that approach to dating can really enforce the list mentality. When I was on OKCupid, I would go through a list of men who were atheist, white, and within a certain age range. Then I would look at their pictures. Most weren't attractive to me, so I was out of options. I got off that revolving wheel last month, and I don't envision myself going back. What's the point? That's just not a natural way to meet people. Don't we all judge on looks first and then take that dating time to figure out if there are any commonalities? With online dating, all of that courting is accelerated, pushing us to jump into bed sooner and then choose a direction: with or without that person. It's screwing up dating.

I believe that passion should be there in the beginning. You should want to be with that person and feel excited about seeing him/her. But passion doesn't last. It can burn slowly underneath everything, but those flames aren't going to rage on indefinitely. It's pretty much impossible. If you only have passion, you only have lust ... and then you're just fuck buddies.

Stability is what I think most of us want — even if some people don't want to admit it. Stability is that "comfortable" feeling so many people have felt is not good enough. But why? Without stability, you're always left wondering, trying to figure out what's going on. Why not be comfortable with that person you've chosen? I want to be so comfortable that I can share my innermost thoughts and feelings with my partner and know that he will love me no matter what. Stability is the basis of unconditional love. It's what keeps us together. Sure, passion is great, and I'm happy to work on keeping it alive, but I won't leave a partner the moment the flames of passion start to diminish. That's just silly.

Next time, though, I will work to maintain that passion at the beginning until stability is formed. Having sex before stability is established is a surefire way to end things before they have a chance to get started.