I'm currently reading The Unhooked Generation, all about how Generation Xers have such high expectations that they cannot possibly be met. Male or female, we have a list of what we desire in a mate. I have it too, so I'm certainly not pointing fingers, but how far has that list gotten me? Sure, there should be certain things we want in a relationship; obviously, if you're not attracted to the person, it can't go much farther. And many of us look for mates who share similar values, but what about all that other "fluff"? Is it a requirement for life-long happiness?
Many singles are online, and that approach to dating can really enforce the list mentality. When I was on OKCupid, I would go through a list of men who were atheist, white, and within a certain age range. Then I would look at their pictures. Most weren't attractive to me, so I was out of options. I got off that revolving wheel last month, and I don't envision myself going back. What's the point? That's just not a natural way to meet people. Don't we all judge on looks first and then take that dating time to figure out if there are any commonalities? With online dating, all of that courting is accelerated, pushing us to jump into bed sooner and then choose a direction: with or without that person. It's screwing up dating.
I believe that passion should be there in the beginning. You should want to be with that person and feel excited about seeing him/her. But passion doesn't last. It can burn slowly underneath everything, but those flames aren't going to rage on indefinitely. It's pretty much impossible. If you only have passion, you only have lust ... and then you're just fuck buddies.
Stability is what I think most of us want — even if some people don't want to admit it. Stability is that "comfortable" feeling so many people have felt is not good enough. But why? Without stability, you're always left wondering, trying to figure out what's going on. Why not be comfortable with that person you've chosen? I want to be so comfortable that I can share my innermost thoughts and feelings with my partner and know that he will love me no matter what. Stability is the basis of unconditional love. It's what keeps us together. Sure, passion is great, and I'm happy to work on keeping it alive, but I won't leave a partner the moment the flames of passion start to diminish. That's just silly.
Next time, though, I will work to maintain that passion at the beginning until stability is formed. Having sex before stability is established is a surefire way to end things before they have a chance to get started.
I have that book and have lent it to many friends; excellent stuff. One thing I particularly liked was when the author asked her mother if Dad was her soulmate(a term I hate, but you get the idea...). Her response? "He wasn't at first, but he is now."
ReplyDeleteThe way I read that is that while we all want passion from day one (which people confuse, IMO, with lust), it it what we build over time that lasts. In this age of instant gratification, we have that same expectation in relationships, which to me is not very realistic.
And about jumping in bed with someone right away:
http://unknowndater.com/2010/09/21/dating-advice-for-the-ladies-1-stop-sleeping-with-men-the-first-week-you-know-them/