I Love You

"I love you" is a phrase that loses neither strength nor significance, no matter how often you say it. My son and I must say it to each other at least two times an hour—and yet it always means just as much. This morning, I was remembering the first time he said it to me and how amazing that felt. We were in a store, with him sitting in the basket while I was pushing it. I tend to say "I love you" a lot—especially to him—so I said it for no reason at all. And he answered. My heart soared! This little boy (probably around two at the time) had never told me he loved me, yet here he was, saying, "I love you too."

There is power in those three little words, and they should not be shared lightly. Too often, people just throw out words of love, which they've really confused with lust. Or they say them because they feel obligated due to the nature of the relationship or the fact that the other person said them first.

I think that we all have the capacity to love many people at many different levels. We love our children differently than we love our parents. Our friends hold a different place in our hearts than our partners. But we don't tend to say "I love you" as often as we should to our friends, while we say it often to our partners and children. Why is that? Don't we all enjoy hearing how others feel about us?

I am proud of the fact that my son shares those words with me freely and often. I think it will set him up with confidence to open himself to others emotionally. He has a big heart, and we talk a lot about how we can hold many people in our hearts, especially as I grow closer to DW and his boys.

And of course, I love hearing "I love you" regularly. What a way to go through the day!

What Goes Around...

It's funny how we tend to repeat episodes of our lives, seemingly in an effort to get it right the next time. How many people have you dated who are just like the one you just ran screaming from? If you believe in reincarnation, you may think that we are doomed to do this repetitive dance each lifetime, always on a quest for perfection.

I am keenly aware of how I have repeated episodes of my life events, seeking some kind of resolution that will be better than the last try. I married the same type of man twice, both of whom had some similarities to my father. Talk about Daddy issues! Now, though, I am seeing my childhood repeat itself in some interesting ways that allow me the opportunity to put those hurt feelings to rest and let that little girl have some peace.

My mother and father divorced when I was 10, and my mom was a struggling single mom. By the time I was 37, I was in the same boat. I have persevered and moved through that bitterness of being a solo parent now (nearly five years later) and am starting to have something that resembles a co-parenting relationship with my son's father. Progress!

Now, I find myself falling for a single dad with two little boys. This mirrors my childhood since, after my parents divorced, I initially lived with my father for two years. He immediately married a woman with two daughters, putting me in the middle of this new family. I was a real-life Cinderella there, truly unhappy and unheard by my father. My son would be in the middle of DW's kids, making him the red-headed stepchild. Ironic, no?

I think the big difference here is that women tend to set the tone of a household. My stepmother naturally favored her girls and didn't much care for me. While I will naturally favor Patrick, I know that I have plenty of room in my heart for DW's boys. I am on intimate terms with the details of my life, and with a better lens, the knowledge that comes with experience, and a degree in child development, I am confident history will not repeat itself in this instance. I am focused on making this work and being a loving mom to Patrick as well as to DW's two sons. I know now that it is possible to acquire my own happiness while not giving the kids the short end of the stick. If our relationship progresses, we will be great together as a blended family and everyone will feel loved and appreciated.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing expecting different results, but when one is aware of what one is doing, the whole story is open to change.

A Little Poetry

I got inspired this morning and jotted down this little poem. I haven't written a poem in I don't know how long! (And by the way, even though this ends with the "L" word, I'm not quite there yet—even if I'm falling in that direction. It's just the word that worked best.)

I Want You

From the moment I wake up

Until the second I drift off to sleep,

I want you.

I want you on me,

Next to me,

Inside me.

I want to kiss you,

Hug you,

Please you.

I want to feel you,

Smell you,

Taste you.

You overtake my thoughts,

Occupy my heart,

And radiate in my smile.

From the moment I wake up

Until the second I drift off to sleep,

I love you.

The Softer Side of Alpha

To all of those folks who told me I really didn't need a dominant alpha male as a partner...

You may have been right. Well, partially.

This weekend, I had another date with DW, and he is a perfect partner for me. He is not a D on the DISC assessment, so not a hard-nosed, dominant alpha (which is what I had been looking for during my 4.5 years of singledom). Instead, he is an I-S and an INFP. He is outgoing, caring, sweet, and confident. That's the clincher: he is confident and truly an alpha, but he is one of the softer variety.

During the short time that we've known each other, I have seen how this man takes care of things. He made plans for our last date, did not ask any silly questions that scream of a lack of self-assuredness, and made me feel completely safe in is company. THAT is what an alpha is; if you look at a lion's pride, the alpha there is a quiet leader who only shows his strength when needed (just re-watch The Lion King). I've met a few men who are very much like this (and D's on the DISC), but I've discovered that too many of those men are so independent and don't mesh well with another D (me).

DW is strong and gentle, a combination I've not found in my life. It's disarming and greatly welcome. It helps that he's attractive, fit, an involved father to his two boys, and knows all kinds of pop-culture references. That's what got me initially interested, but the self-confidence is what will keep me around. That and the way he looks at me.

Yep, I'm smitten.