Let's Cut to the Chase

I don't like dating. I'm not good at it, and very little about the idea of "trying on" different men does anything for me. Sure, some people enjoy the getting-to-know you stage, the first kisses, the awkwardness ... but I like things to be known, comfortable, and simple. I think this may be part of the reason dating doesn't work too well for me.

Men seem to like the chase. There have been books written on the subject of this dating game and what we're supposed to do when. I, on the other hand, just want to be caught. No chasing required. If I'm interested in a man, I'm his. And I'm loyal. Once I've made up my mind, I'm not looking around any longer. I'm more than happy to take myself off the market. This freaks out men because they feel I'm rushing into something or pushing them.

Although all of us probably have some codependency issues, I honestly believe my desire to skip all of the formalities and just get into a relationship isn't about that. It's about knowing what's next. As I've mentioned before in this blog, I am a high I/D in the DISC assessment: I like to have fun, but I also like to get down to business. And relationships work exactly the same way for me.

So while I enjoy going out and having fun (i.e., dating), I can skip over all of that awkward craziness that happens during the beginning dating stages. I just want to be in a relationship. I'll work to keep it solid and loving once it's established, but can't I just jump there from the get-go? I mean, if we realized pretty soon that it was a fit, let's just "play house" and see where it goes. I'm not going to move in with you tomorrow, but some certainty would make me pretty happy.

Doing the Limbo

As I've probably mentioned before in this blog, I am an ENTJ on the MBTI Personality Type. That last axis, J, is what causes me the most issues, especially in relationships with P's, the other type. J stands for judging, and it means that I like things to have a finite direction or ending. I don't like to be left hanging. P, on the other hand, stands for perceiving, and those folks are okay with letting things roll out in any direction they want to go.

Perhaps it's a lesson I am supposed to learn that I keep partnering with P's. These men have been go-with-the-flow types, not terribly focused on what's next. In short, this drives me CRAZY. I'm left wondering and trying to figure out what's up, which sends me right to the T of the equation, or thinking. Many of my P partners are F in that category, or feeling. T and J tend to fit well together, just as F and P do; often, you'll find more thoughtful, caring folks with that latter MBTI reading.

Lately, I have been in quite the limbo, and my J is SCREAMING at me. I'm actually not even sure if I am still in a relationship or am single at this point; that's how open ended my life has become. While part of me (that pesky J part) wants to pick up the phone and pointedly ask, "What the hell?!" I know full well that the P in the other person wouldn't take kindly to that kind of "attack." So I remain in limbo.

While all of these thoughts are stirring in my head, and I'm unsure if I'm half of a couple or just a single, I am reading Capture His Heart, an ebook series that serendipitously showed up as a suggested post in my Facebook feed. While much of what I've read so far could be chalked up to common sense, none of it is very natural to me.

To capture a man (which sounds like some kind of awful ploy, but it's really not based on trickery), the basic rules of relationships apply: be confident, be sexy, focus on him, draw him out with great questions, treat yourself well, build him up with admiration and appreciation. Like I said, they're all pretty basic. I'm eager to get to the section about the seven massive mistakes to avoid at all costs, but the ebook is laid out in such a way that only a section or two is available each day—and this section doesn't open for two more days. I'm sure I've covered all of them numerous times, so I'm ready to beat myself up about that one!

I guess, so far, the hardest part for me to remember in all of this is the "it's all about me" component. Being a bit narcissistic myself, I am there, but I forget that others view the world from the same lens. When I post something on Facebook or in this blog, it IS all about me; it's not about any other person (unless it's about MY feelings regarding that person). I post generic things all the time on my Facebook feed—with no intended hidden meanings or targeted recipient—and still everyone else draws a conclusion about what I mean. I've called myself high maintenance, highly sexual, intense, and even reactive...but I'm only talking about myself. Such posts often result in texts and messages from well-meaning friends to ask if I'm okay in my relationship or life. They're extrapolating, but they're often incorrect in the direction they take. There's a reason I'm vague in some of my posts: I don't want to give up too much and I'm really just sharing my feelings.

Right now, I'm sharing that I'm in limbo. I'm not crying, upset, or hurt. I don't need a call to make sure I'm okay (if I do, I will reach out). Limbo naturally leads me to a confused state since I like neatly folded conclusions that are wrapped with a bow. But I guess life isn't like that. I'm learning, and that's the best I can do.

The Balance of Power

"Perception is everything"—and often it is completely off kilter when it comes to interpersonal communications. One person usually feels as if he or she is giving much more than he or she is receiving, which leads to hurt feelings, different perceptions, and, ultimately, a harmful breakdown of communication. We've all seen it, whether in our personal relationships or on our favorite TV show or movie. This imbalance of power, if you will, may be all in one person's mind, but it is the beginning of a downward spiral.

In my first marriage, I gave and gave. I shared thoughtful little gifts, including cards and even a candy bar I picked up at the store while getting groceries. Unfortunately, from my point of view, my kindness wasn't as appreciated as I would have liked, and it certainly wasn't reciprocated. I felt drained with all of my giving.

In my next major relationship, he gave much more than I did. I had been burned by giving and not receiving, so I cut way back (which, of course, wasn't fair to this partner). He gave so much that I felt smothered. He gave of his time, he gave gifts, and I appreciated so little of it. He questioned my love for him.

With my second husband, I think we both gave a lot at the beginning, and then neither of us gave much of ourselves anymore after our son was born. We were so busy giving to him that there was precious little left to share with each other. I wanted him to give more, while he felt unappreciated for all he felt he was giving to the relationship. Perception was off and neither of us talked about it.

Since that marriage ended, I have taken a bird's-eye view of how relationships work and seriously evaluated my part in them, both past and present. I read The Five Love Languages. I watched Fireproof. But emotions are emotions: no matter how much we attempt to train them, they're going to go their own way. We are going to jump to conclusions that, oftentimes, are incorrect.

This is a good time to share with you my view on women's emotions and relationships. I think that women are natural givers; we have so much we want to share with the world, and we just emanate love. Much like the lost little baby in the book Are You My Mommy?, we wander around looking for an outlet for those emotions. "Can I love you?" "How about you?" "Are you the one?" Then we find the person who feels like he is worthy of our affection and we give it! We share our emotions so readily that the man feels as if he's been slapped upside the head with them. His perception may be that the woman is a bit needy and codependent; our perception may be that he is standoffish and fearful of commitment. And if we don't talk about these feelings (which it seems that most people don't), we're likely to again have an imbalance of power and skewed perceptions.

Being in a relationship is a bit like dancing. One person leads and the other follows, yet unlike on the dance floor, the person who leads can be either the man or woman, and it may shift throughout their time together. I guess I'm still unsure when I should lead and when I should follow, and when I do follow, I feel out of control and am guessing. In effect, my perception is that my partner doesn't care about me as much as I care about him. It's frustrating, but when I take the lead, I then feel as if I'm pushing too hard.

Honestly, I'm not sure that I have a point with my post. Perhaps it's more a stream of consciousness to get some things off my chest. Suffice it to say that I am learning every single day, and although I think and feel profoundly, it takes two people to create a winning relationship. Maybe I need to learn how to dance.

A Little Poetry

I got inspired this morning and jotted down this little poem. I haven't written a poem in I don't know how long! (And by the way, even though this ends with the "L" word, I'm not quite there yet—even if I'm falling in that direction. It's just the word that worked best.)

I Want You

From the moment I wake up

Until the second I drift off to sleep,

I want you.

I want you on me,

Next to me,

Inside me.

I want to kiss you,

Hug you,

Please you.

I want to feel you,

Smell you,

Taste you.

You overtake my thoughts,

Occupy my heart,

And radiate in my smile.

From the moment I wake up

Until the second I drift off to sleep,

I love you.

The Benefits of Playing the Field

Men are programmed to spread their seeds, while women are programmed to find a mate to father children. It's biology. But society has played with our biological urges for so long, and now everyone is completely confused about what we want in this relationship game. Yes, including me. After many a dating misstart, I am now in the game full force looking for a relationship. And how am I getting there? I'm learning the benefits of playing the field.

I've never been one to date a number of people at one time—ever. When I read Love in 90 Days, which suggests dating numerous men simultaneously, I thought, "How can I do that? I barely have time to date one!" Now I'm starting to understand what author Dr. Diana Kirschner was talking about; it makes a lot of sense for a woman to play the field, mostly because we are emotional creatures who tend to easily jump into relationships. It's like the book Are You My Mother? The lost little animal goes up to everyone he encounters asking, "Are you my mother?" Women tend to ask a similar question (at least in our heads) of all men: "Are you the one for me?" We're usually focused on the final outcome and forget to take the time to get to know a man before jumping. And most times, we completely freak out that man because we're too eager to move on to the next step.

Although I'm not a big fan of online dating, it's a good way to put myself out there, and I have been meeting a few people from that realm recently. I had a first date this week with DW and a second date with P. I've had a good time with both of them, but P has already been pushing the physical aspect: he volunteered to pick me up at my house for our second date, and after our drinks, he asked me back to his house for a nightcap. I'm not interested in sleeping with anyone until we have had the opportunity to build a solid foundation, so the answer to that query is a clear and decisive "no," but if I didn't have other options, would I have responded similarly?

Even though my drive for a relationship doesn't involve children, like it did a decade ago, I know that I am prone to make rash choices when it comes to men. I have been single 4 1/2 years now, so biological urges sometimes cloud my more rational ones. And since I have no desire to be intimate with more than one man, having two or three on my roster helps to keep me honest.

So for me, the benefits of playing the field are that I keep my head above water and focused on the task at hand. I don't jump too quickly into something that's less likely to last. And I don't add a physical component too soon. While it's a scheduling challenge sometimes since my son is always my #1 man, I'm willing to work through it to find just the right man to add to our circle.