The Balance of Power

"Perception is everything"—and often it is completely off kilter when it comes to interpersonal communications. One person usually feels as if he or she is giving much more than he or she is receiving, which leads to hurt feelings, different perceptions, and, ultimately, a harmful breakdown of communication. We've all seen it, whether in our personal relationships or on our favorite TV show or movie. This imbalance of power, if you will, may be all in one person's mind, but it is the beginning of a downward spiral.

In my first marriage, I gave and gave. I shared thoughtful little gifts, including cards and even a candy bar I picked up at the store while getting groceries. Unfortunately, from my point of view, my kindness wasn't as appreciated as I would have liked, and it certainly wasn't reciprocated. I felt drained with all of my giving.

In my next major relationship, he gave much more than I did. I had been burned by giving and not receiving, so I cut way back (which, of course, wasn't fair to this partner). He gave so much that I felt smothered. He gave of his time, he gave gifts, and I appreciated so little of it. He questioned my love for him.

With my second husband, I think we both gave a lot at the beginning, and then neither of us gave much of ourselves anymore after our son was born. We were so busy giving to him that there was precious little left to share with each other. I wanted him to give more, while he felt unappreciated for all he felt he was giving to the relationship. Perception was off and neither of us talked about it.

Since that marriage ended, I have taken a bird's-eye view of how relationships work and seriously evaluated my part in them, both past and present. I read The Five Love Languages. I watched Fireproof. But emotions are emotions: no matter how much we attempt to train them, they're going to go their own way. We are going to jump to conclusions that, oftentimes, are incorrect.

This is a good time to share with you my view on women's emotions and relationships. I think that women are natural givers; we have so much we want to share with the world, and we just emanate love. Much like the lost little baby in the book Are You My Mommy?, we wander around looking for an outlet for those emotions. "Can I love you?" "How about you?" "Are you the one?" Then we find the person who feels like he is worthy of our affection and we give it! We share our emotions so readily that the man feels as if he's been slapped upside the head with them. His perception may be that the woman is a bit needy and codependent; our perception may be that he is standoffish and fearful of commitment. And if we don't talk about these feelings (which it seems that most people don't), we're likely to again have an imbalance of power and skewed perceptions.

Being in a relationship is a bit like dancing. One person leads and the other follows, yet unlike on the dance floor, the person who leads can be either the man or woman, and it may shift throughout their time together. I guess I'm still unsure when I should lead and when I should follow, and when I do follow, I feel out of control and am guessing. In effect, my perception is that my partner doesn't care about me as much as I care about him. It's frustrating, but when I take the lead, I then feel as if I'm pushing too hard.

Honestly, I'm not sure that I have a point with my post. Perhaps it's more a stream of consciousness to get some things off my chest. Suffice it to say that I am learning every single day, and although I think and feel profoundly, it takes two people to create a winning relationship. Maybe I need to learn how to dance.