Perspectives and Priorities

What a difference a few years make.

I haven't written regularly in this blog since the last time I was dating someone, more than two years ago. It seems that when I am dating someone, I get more reflective on life in general and have more to say. It's not that I don't think when I'm completely single, but I guess I think more when I have a man in my picture.

So I took some time today and reread the blogs I wrote those years ago. What an interesting perspective to have had then and to have now. Truly. In some ways, I've grown so much, and in some, I'm still learning.

When I read a blog about taking my time with the last man I dated, I had to laugh. Time? We had sex on our second date. That's no time at all. There was no foundation. And since I'm a woman, sex releases those endorphins that make me (and all other females, I guess) feel loving feelings. A house of cards is all you build when it's based on having sex on date two.

Currently, I am dating someone whom I have to say I love. I am not "in love" with him, but I can sense myself falling in that direction. And surprisingly, we did take our time. Although my friends likely assume someone as sexually charged as I am is jumping into bed the moment a handsome man says hello, with this man, we waited three weeks—and we actually knew each other for three months before our first date.

The difference here is that I began to love this man before our clothes came off. He won me over with his old-fashioned chivalry, his genuine interest in me, and his overwhelming kindness. On my list of things I had been seeking in a man, he hits few of what I would have considered the "big" ones. But there's chemistry there, and it's hard to deny. When I think of him, I smile.

What's changed now is that I wasn't looking for this wonderful man. On our first date, I told him what I'd told my business coach at the beginning of the year: Finding a relationship has not been a priority for me. I am extremely happy in my life and haven't felt the need to add anything. However, should a relationship present itself, I wouldn't go running.

Well, that relationship is here.

So far, it's easy, lighthearted, and fun. We're learning to dance. We kiss for hours. We hold hands and laugh together. Back in those old blogs when I was discussing what I wanted in a potential relationship, I was more or less describing what I have now. No pressures, no need to plan what will happen next year, and no urgency to do anything more than spend time together. It's refreshing. He dropped the trump by calling me his girlfriend, and that freaked me out. ME! But instead of overthinking it, I took a deep breath and said to myself, It's okay; enjoy.

And I very much am.

The Art of Kissing

There is more than one way to get into a woman's skirt, but likely none is as effective as a good old-fashioned kiss. The kiss is what tells us if there's more to learn, and the lips seem to be directly connected to both our sex glands and heart. How that is, I can't say, but it's something that many men don't seem to realize. They rush in open mouthed, tongue extended, a little too eager. If only they took a little time and focused on kissing and some passion, they'd likely see better results.

The best kisses become more of a "session" than just one or two kisses. Good kissing in and of itself can be pretty exciting foreplay, but you have to settle in a little bit first. The rest will come, and I promise it will be wild with abandon if the kissing starts on the right foot.

This Is Not a Porno
In x-rated movies, the point is not to highlight kissing, but when they do show any mouth-to-mouth action, it's typically more tongue to tongue than lips to lips. The best way to start a kiss is slowly. Let me repeat that: Slow down! If you're in a race to "get some," either hire someone or go it solo. When you're seducing a woman, the key is to let things linger; make her want it to move forward quicker than you're progressing. It's the secret to creating that longing and passion. Trust me.

Close Your Mouth
When babies are learning to kiss, their mouths are open and you're left with a face full of wetness. It's cute on an eight-month-old, but it's not as attractive coming from a forty-year-old man. I've seen a lot of this recently, and it's, well, gross. No one wants to see that at the pool (where I saw it), and there's no passion in a kiss that isn't a kiss at all. Once you get into things, kisses come faster and may be more open, and you'll find tongues searching for each other in the dark ... but that's another blog.

I'm not talking about keeping your mouth closed the whole time you're kissing, of course, but the first kisses shouldn't involve any tongue at all. Linger on the lips for a bit. Then, once the passion ignites, by all means use tongues, but don't enter the situation open mouthed. Instead, start with a closed mouth and then use your tongue to explore her lips and find her tongue and play with that a bit. Then end that kiss with closed mouth before moving on to the next one. Keeping your mouth open the whole time isn't even practical; you'd be drooling all over the place!

No Biting
Okay, I'll admit that this one may just be me, but I don't understand biting my lip during a kiss. If you want to nibble, there are far more exciting body parts on which to show a little teeth; the lips aren't it for me.

Use Your Hands
While kissing happens at our mouths, there are two whole bodies involved. Start with a simple hug, but pull her closer when you want to up the passion. Or explore parts of her body with your hands, slowly and then more aggressively. One of my favorite lines from a song is from Sting's "Fields of Gold": "Feel her body rise as you kiss her mouth." If you're doing it right, this will definitely happen. That's your cue that you're on the right track and to continue — or walk away, depending on your ultimate goal.

Have a Technique
Thankfully, I've only had to teach maybe two men how to kiss, and that was when I was younger, but I have come across more than that who had no "game." You really need to have some sort of plan in your head on how to kiss to make it effective. Do you want her clothes to be falling off her body? Do you want to just say good-night and leave her longing?

And don't just kiss her lips. Check out her her neck, decolletage, or ears. There's a lot of lust as you move closer to the rest of her body. She's left guessing what you'll do next and is eager with anticipation.

Each person is different, and each kiss is unique. Your innocent good-night kiss may well turn into a passionate toss around the bedroom (or kitchen, hallway...), but very little starts without a fantastic kiss.