Perspectives and Priorities

What a difference a few years make.

I haven't written regularly in this blog since the last time I was dating someone, more than two years ago. It seems that when I am dating someone, I get more reflective on life in general and have more to say. It's not that I don't think when I'm completely single, but I guess I think more when I have a man in my picture.

So I took some time today and reread the blogs I wrote those years ago. What an interesting perspective to have had then and to have now. Truly. In some ways, I've grown so much, and in some, I'm still learning.

When I read a blog about taking my time with the last man I dated, I had to laugh. Time? We had sex on our second date. That's no time at all. There was no foundation. And since I'm a woman, sex releases those endorphins that make me (and all other females, I guess) feel loving feelings. A house of cards is all you build when it's based on having sex on date two.

Currently, I am dating someone whom I have to say I love. I am not "in love" with him, but I can sense myself falling in that direction. And surprisingly, we did take our time. Although my friends likely assume someone as sexually charged as I am is jumping into bed the moment a handsome man says hello, with this man, we waited three weeks—and we actually knew each other for three months before our first date.

The difference here is that I began to love this man before our clothes came off. He won me over with his old-fashioned chivalry, his genuine interest in me, and his overwhelming kindness. On my list of things I had been seeking in a man, he hits few of what I would have considered the "big" ones. But there's chemistry there, and it's hard to deny. When I think of him, I smile.

What's changed now is that I wasn't looking for this wonderful man. On our first date, I told him what I'd told my business coach at the beginning of the year: Finding a relationship has not been a priority for me. I am extremely happy in my life and haven't felt the need to add anything. However, should a relationship present itself, I wouldn't go running.

Well, that relationship is here.

So far, it's easy, lighthearted, and fun. We're learning to dance. We kiss for hours. We hold hands and laugh together. Back in those old blogs when I was discussing what I wanted in a potential relationship, I was more or less describing what I have now. No pressures, no need to plan what will happen next year, and no urgency to do anything more than spend time together. It's refreshing. He dropped the trump by calling me his girlfriend, and that freaked me out. ME! But instead of overthinking it, I took a deep breath and said to myself, It's okay; enjoy.

And I very much am.

One for Sex, One for Dating

As I've mentioned, I'm reading Unhooked Generation, which talks about the abundance of choices we have these days, whether in dating or pasta sauces. So many choices make a decision hard to come to. What if something even better is right around the corner?

Dating is challenging enough, but it gets even more complicated when you think about the fact that our generation has no rules. Our parents didn't have sex until they married, and they knew the steps: courting, dating, going steady, getting engaged, getting married... and THEN sex. It was completely different than how we manage dating now, which sometimes starts with sex. And sometimes it doesn't even get past that.

Unfortunately, while most human beings crave sex, there's no set timeline as to when it should occur in a dating situation. What is for sure is that most men say that if a woman has sex with them too soon, it's over. But if it's been awhile, the tension can be unbearable. So what's a girl to do?

The other day, I was talking about this dilemma with a girlfriend, and she pointed out that's why she has ex-boyfriends in her mix. She is currently dating a new guy (three weeks in) and calls on the ex as needed to help keep her mind in the game. That's a great idea — if you have an ex on whom to call. When I lived in NY, I had a friend to call (I even visited him once after I moved to AZ), but here, my exes are in that category for good reason. I've not stayed friends with any of them. So I can either ramp up with a new guy just for sexual release, or I can float by on my own until I find someone worthy of dating. And, yes, I've been choosing the latter.

Apparently, though, a quick survey of many of my female friends shows that most don't have such a burning desire (or is that a need?) for sex. They're content to use their vibrators twice a month and call it good. They look at me funny when I say that sex is one of my main considerations in life, much less in a relationship. So I seem to be in the minority.

What do you think? Is it a good idea to have a little something-something in the wings while you continue to look for "the one"?