The Million-Dollar Question

Today at a networking event, after a colleague learned that I'm not married and don't have boyfriend, he asked, "Do you want a boyfriend?" I hesitated because I kind of do and kind of don't, but I definitely didn't want that guy in the potential mix. My answer was a definitive no, but it got me thinking: DO I want a man in my life?

In the five years I've been single, I have dated two men, for a total of about five months. I wouldn't call either of them a boyfriend, and they wouldn't even rank on my list of serious relationships. Do I want to walk down that path again and try to find someone to be a partner? The short answer is no, not now.

The truth is that I really like my life. I am getting better and better at balancing time between my son and work, and I get a little time for myself when Patrick is with his dad or at school. My business has been really growing lately, and I am looking forward to much more growth in the coming future because of the focus I've had recently. I am in balance, and I love that feeling.

The benefits of having a man in my life are, of course, many. I would really like to have sex on a regular basis (hey, a girl has needs!), but I've never been one for casual sex, and I don't see myself changing that ... ever. So I would need to have a relationship in order to have sex, and right now, that effort is not worth it for me — regardless of the fact that I'm in my 40s and in my sexual prime.

So the answer to the million-dollar question of whether or not I want a boyfriend is on the back burner for now. I am happy and not looking for anyone. Naturally, my viewpoint is open for change. Ask me next year.

Not the Sharpest Tool

Lately, I've been noticing more and more people who just aren't that bright. I know a common thought is that most people are pretty stupid — and I share that thought — but I haven't really been exposed to them that much in my life. In fact, I've made it a point to surround myself with those who are smarter than I am. Now, though, it seems that more "simple" people are crossing my path daily.

Since I was in school, I have hung out with the smart crowd, the nerds who were artists, writers, and thinkers. Having lived in a different country and in many states in the US, I have a broader worldview than many, and I've been attracted to those who can look outside of their little box. Even now, as a business owner, I draw in those who are successful and can teach me to be more successful. I read a lot of non-fiction, I watch intellectual shows, and my brain is full of all kinds of useless knowledge. I guess I just don't understand when others don't challenge themselves and are okay to be simple and just get by in life.

Perhaps it goes to belief systems. As an atheist, I believe that I am only going to be on this planet one time and I need to make the most of that 100 or so years I'm alive. Most of my friends are also atheists or agnostics, so they continue to better themselves for their limited lives. I think it really hit me that there are some not-so-bright folks walking around when an atheist friend recently showed her cards. I thought it was just me being judgmental (I tend to do that), but when another friend had similar issues communicating with this woman, I realized it was really with her. That opened my eyes to see so many people around me who are just going day to day and not questioning anything or even wanting anything real. It's surprising to me.

Another group is those folks who aren't that bright — but they think they are. They come across as trying so hard to be intellectually superior, yet they miss the mark and just look like buffoons. They look down on the simple lot, but the truth is they're among them.

Of course, I realize that simple people are often not unhappy. They are perfectly content to live life as they've constructed it, and I may be in the minority in my frustration on their behalves. I guess it's kind of like "The Matrix": If you knew there was something more to learn, would you? Or would you just continue living in a haze? I'll take the red pill, please.

The Power of Polish

There's definitely something to be said for "girling it up." Although I like dresses and skirts and love to look good, I am a bigger fan of being comfortable and saving money. I'm not ashamed to admit that the places I primarily shop for clothes are Old Navy and Target, with occasional finds at Goodwill. If something is more than $25, it's hard for me to spend money on it. I'm frugal, and being a girl can be expensive and time consuming! However, there is a huge benefit to creating that feminine mystique: men completely eat it up!

All I need to do is put on a pencil skirt, three-inch heels, and nail polish, and men pay attention. I went to a networking event last week dressed as such, and being "girly" was way more powerful in creating relationships than anything I shared about my business. Even colleagues I'd known for years were falling over themselves to say hello and compliment me on how good I looked. It was a huge boost to my ego — and a big wake-up call.

Men want feminine women. Just as I, as a woman, want a man with some muscles, hair on his chest, and a five-o'clock shadow, men want a woman who is soft, hairless, and puts a little effort into her appearance. And since I am frugal, I've found ways to save money while still glamming it up.

Mani / Pedis

Nail polish averages about $3 a bottle and up to $10 for O.P.I., one of the best brands on the market. Ulta always has coupons to save a little off that price, and polish lasts quite a while. It may take a little practice to be an expert, but that French manicure can come later. I have it down to a science now, and my do-it-myself French mani / pedi is nearly as good as a corner nail salon, which will cost $20–30 a month.

Makeup

If you're putting things on your skin, you need to be wary about skimping on quality. However, The Body Shop — my favorite place — just ran a 50%-off makeup sale, where I got two eyeshadows and foundation for $20. Makeup lasts about 3–6 months, depending on how much you wear and how often, so you only have to drop the bucks two or three times a year, meaning you can save up and budget.

Hair

Believe it or not, I cut and color my own hair. It's pretty much a straight cut with some graduated bangs, so it's easy to cut (it's long). Coloring is more time than money, and as I want to cover my grays more frequently now, I save a TON of money by doing this all myself. If you don't think you can cut your hair yourself, try Cost Cutters, Fantastic Sam's, or a beauty school; they usually do a pretty good job.

Clothes

You don't need to shop at Nordstrom's to look fantastic. I literally do shop at Target, Old Navy, and Goodwill. I don't like to shop, and I don't like to spend money, so these are much better choices for me. Both Target and Old Navy have coupons and sales all the time, and Goodwill runs a 50%-off sale every other Saturday. I've gotten a number of great items for very little money. And the best part is that no one is the wiser.
 

Attitude

So looking great attracts the men, and we do that through our hair, makeup, nails, and clothes, but it's the attitude that really cements the look. Men are looking for confidence, which is presented in posture, and warmth, which happens as soon as you smile. A positive, confident, and warm attitude is priceless, so put on that gorgeous outfit, girl it up, and realize the power of polish.

The Art of Kissing

There is more than one way to get into a woman's skirt, but likely none is as effective as a good old-fashioned kiss. The kiss is what tells us if there's more to learn, and the lips seem to be directly connected to both our sex glands and heart. How that is, I can't say, but it's something that many men don't seem to realize. They rush in open mouthed, tongue extended, a little too eager. If only they took a little time and focused on kissing and some passion, they'd likely see better results.

The best kisses become more of a "session" than just one or two kisses. Good kissing in and of itself can be pretty exciting foreplay, but you have to settle in a little bit first. The rest will come, and I promise it will be wild with abandon if the kissing starts on the right foot.

This Is Not a Porno
In x-rated movies, the point is not to highlight kissing, but when they do show any mouth-to-mouth action, it's typically more tongue to tongue than lips to lips. The best way to start a kiss is slowly. Let me repeat that: Slow down! If you're in a race to "get some," either hire someone or go it solo. When you're seducing a woman, the key is to let things linger; make her want it to move forward quicker than you're progressing. It's the secret to creating that longing and passion. Trust me.

Close Your Mouth
When babies are learning to kiss, their mouths are open and you're left with a face full of wetness. It's cute on an eight-month-old, but it's not as attractive coming from a forty-year-old man. I've seen a lot of this recently, and it's, well, gross. No one wants to see that at the pool (where I saw it), and there's no passion in a kiss that isn't a kiss at all. Once you get into things, kisses come faster and may be more open, and you'll find tongues searching for each other in the dark ... but that's another blog.

I'm not talking about keeping your mouth closed the whole time you're kissing, of course, but the first kisses shouldn't involve any tongue at all. Linger on the lips for a bit. Then, once the passion ignites, by all means use tongues, but don't enter the situation open mouthed. Instead, start with a closed mouth and then use your tongue to explore her lips and find her tongue and play with that a bit. Then end that kiss with closed mouth before moving on to the next one. Keeping your mouth open the whole time isn't even practical; you'd be drooling all over the place!

No Biting
Okay, I'll admit that this one may just be me, but I don't understand biting my lip during a kiss. If you want to nibble, there are far more exciting body parts on which to show a little teeth; the lips aren't it for me.

Use Your Hands
While kissing happens at our mouths, there are two whole bodies involved. Start with a simple hug, but pull her closer when you want to up the passion. Or explore parts of her body with your hands, slowly and then more aggressively. One of my favorite lines from a song is from Sting's "Fields of Gold": "Feel her body rise as you kiss her mouth." If you're doing it right, this will definitely happen. That's your cue that you're on the right track and to continue — or walk away, depending on your ultimate goal.

Have a Technique
Thankfully, I've only had to teach maybe two men how to kiss, and that was when I was younger, but I have come across more than that who had no "game." You really need to have some sort of plan in your head on how to kiss to make it effective. Do you want her clothes to be falling off her body? Do you want to just say good-night and leave her longing?

And don't just kiss her lips. Check out her her neck, decolletage, or ears. There's a lot of lust as you move closer to the rest of her body. She's left guessing what you'll do next and is eager with anticipation.

Each person is different, and each kiss is unique. Your innocent good-night kiss may well turn into a passionate toss around the bedroom (or kitchen, hallway...), but very little starts without a fantastic kiss.

One for Sex, One for Dating

As I've mentioned, I'm reading Unhooked Generation, which talks about the abundance of choices we have these days, whether in dating or pasta sauces. So many choices make a decision hard to come to. What if something even better is right around the corner?

Dating is challenging enough, but it gets even more complicated when you think about the fact that our generation has no rules. Our parents didn't have sex until they married, and they knew the steps: courting, dating, going steady, getting engaged, getting married... and THEN sex. It was completely different than how we manage dating now, which sometimes starts with sex. And sometimes it doesn't even get past that.

Unfortunately, while most human beings crave sex, there's no set timeline as to when it should occur in a dating situation. What is for sure is that most men say that if a woman has sex with them too soon, it's over. But if it's been awhile, the tension can be unbearable. So what's a girl to do?

The other day, I was talking about this dilemma with a girlfriend, and she pointed out that's why she has ex-boyfriends in her mix. She is currently dating a new guy (three weeks in) and calls on the ex as needed to help keep her mind in the game. That's a great idea — if you have an ex on whom to call. When I lived in NY, I had a friend to call (I even visited him once after I moved to AZ), but here, my exes are in that category for good reason. I've not stayed friends with any of them. So I can either ramp up with a new guy just for sexual release, or I can float by on my own until I find someone worthy of dating. And, yes, I've been choosing the latter.

Apparently, though, a quick survey of many of my female friends shows that most don't have such a burning desire (or is that a need?) for sex. They're content to use their vibrators twice a month and call it good. They look at me funny when I say that sex is one of my main considerations in life, much less in a relationship. So I seem to be in the minority.

What do you think? Is it a good idea to have a little something-something in the wings while you continue to look for "the one"?