Passion or Stability?

When looking for a relationship, most of us will say we want it all. We want to be swept off our feet at just the sight of that special someone, and we want something that feels comfortable and "right." But is that even possible?

I'm currently reading The Unhooked Generation, all about how Generation Xers have such high expectations that they cannot possibly be met. Male or female, we have a list of what we desire in a mate. I have it too, so I'm certainly not pointing fingers, but how far has that list gotten me? Sure, there should be certain things we want in a relationship; obviously, if you're not attracted to the person, it can't go much farther. And many of us look for mates who share similar values, but what about all that other "fluff"? Is it a requirement for life-long happiness?

Many singles are online, and that approach to dating can really enforce the list mentality. When I was on OKCupid, I would go through a list of men who were atheist, white, and within a certain age range. Then I would look at their pictures. Most weren't attractive to me, so I was out of options. I got off that revolving wheel last month, and I don't envision myself going back. What's the point? That's just not a natural way to meet people. Don't we all judge on looks first and then take that dating time to figure out if there are any commonalities? With online dating, all of that courting is accelerated, pushing us to jump into bed sooner and then choose a direction: with or without that person. It's screwing up dating.

I believe that passion should be there in the beginning. You should want to be with that person and feel excited about seeing him/her. But passion doesn't last. It can burn slowly underneath everything, but those flames aren't going to rage on indefinitely. It's pretty much impossible. If you only have passion, you only have lust ... and then you're just fuck buddies.

Stability is what I think most of us want — even if some people don't want to admit it. Stability is that "comfortable" feeling so many people have felt is not good enough. But why? Without stability, you're always left wondering, trying to figure out what's going on. Why not be comfortable with that person you've chosen? I want to be so comfortable that I can share my innermost thoughts and feelings with my partner and know that he will love me no matter what. Stability is the basis of unconditional love. It's what keeps us together. Sure, passion is great, and I'm happy to work on keeping it alive, but I won't leave a partner the moment the flames of passion start to diminish. That's just silly.

Next time, though, I will work to maintain that passion at the beginning until stability is formed. Having sex before stability is established is a surefire way to end things before they have a chance to get started.

Just Looking, Thanks

The other night, I went to a monthly atheists Meetup. I was under the weather, as I have been for the past few days, and was just looking forward to getting out of the house and seeing a few friends. Surprisingly, I also saw some good-looking men there, which — let me tell you — is a rarity for me to find at one of these events. Usually, when I spot even one looker out in the world, my mind is off and running about the possibilities, but this time, I noticed and that was it.

Maybe it's because I've only been single for about a month and a half. Maybe I'm just not focused on the men around me. Whatever the reason, I don't find myself much interested in men at the moment. In fact, one of the men who showed up at the gathering was someone who had contacted me through Meetup to get together, and I've not thought of him as more than an activity partner throughout our conversations. Being in a relationship just isn't on my radar at the moment.

So I guess this is a good thing. My son is out of town for a couple of weeks, and I am excited to do a lot of working, a lot of TV and movie watching, and hiking and getting back to a regular gym routine (damn vacations!). I'm not at all interested in dating anyone at this point. But that doesn't mean I can't look....

Surprisingly, No Longings

Yesterday, my son and I returned from a week-long vacation at Walt Disney World. It was his first trip to Florida and the bigger of the two US Disney parks and the first time I'd been there in more than a decade. It was just he and I, and it rained nearly every day. But we didn't let that get us down. We pulled out the umbrella and kept soldiering on. The people watching (especially with the added stressor of bad weather) was fantastic. I saw good parenting, not good parenting, a lot of really large people, and a couple of amazing mullets. What a trip!

The last time I was at WDW, it was with the first "love of my life," and I was sick as a dog (found out while there that I was pregnant). I still have some good memories of that vacation and still harbor feelings for that man, although we haven't spoken in 12 years. In addition to that, it was only a month ago that DW ended our relationship. Going to not only a family-friendly destination but one where many lovebirds find themselves, I was thinking I would feel a bunch of romantic longings while there, either for Love #1 or DW. As it turns out, I longed for neither of them.

Instead of spending my time in the "happiest place on earth" thinking about lost loves, I thought about my true love, my son. We had excellent quality time together, we drove each other crazy, and we played — just as children and parents should. Sure, it might have been fun to have a great man with us (and possibly his children), but nothing felt like it was missing during this vacation.

Because there were only two of us in WDW, we found places to sit at restaurants easier, we were able to have more room in the rides, and we maneuvered through the crowds easily. We huddled under our umbrella and didn't have as many personalities and wants to take care of. It was easy and carefree.

Even as I return to the "real world," I don't find myself longing for these men — or any men, for that matter. I am reenergized about work, I am excited about the summer, and I am happy. A friend texted me today to ask if I was having any luck finding someone or if there was any hope of rekindling anything with DW. I answered that I'm not looking, and I am over DW. That ship has sailed, and I am very happy right now sitting on the harbor with my son, watching the other ships take off.

At a Loss for Words

It seems I have a few readers of this blog — some of whom I didn't expect to be reading. Yesterday, I received a random email from DW (yes, my ex) regarding this blog and, specifically, the last one I wrote about him unfollowing me on social media. If I'd had water in my mouth when I saw it in my inbox, I'm positive I would have done a spittake.

I recently read an e-book about getting in, staying in, and possibly revitalizing a love relationship, yet nothing in there gave me any clue as to how to respond to this unexpected message. Really, there wasn't anything to which I need to respond ... so I didn't. I even posted on Facebook to ask for feedback, but no one had anything helpful to share there either. Funny that most of my friends expressed anger at DW for breaking up with what they see to be a wonderful woman for, well, pretty poor reasons, and they didn't feel he deserves any response.

It's rare, though, that I don't say anything back to someone who speaks to me. My ex-husband (whom I pretty much despise at this point) can incite a cursing war via text because of his idiocy. Exes from the far past have reached out to apologize (as part of their 12 steps, usually; I attract the winners!), and I have always responded. But this time, I'm left speechless. What do I say when this person's words confuse me at every turn? Here's a great example: He said he cut connections on social media because "it was too hard to see your face and hear your words. I needed to get you off my feeds so I could move on." Yet he's reading my blog?! How does that make any sense? Yet further proof that I have no clue how people act or what they are thinking.

So on to other things that inspire much more happiness and make way more sense. In just two days, my son and I are headed to Walt Disney World for a week. One of my friends will also be there with his daughter, so we hope to get together at some point for the kids to play and us to catch up. This is Patrick's first visit to WDW after many to Disneyland, and he's super excited as well. It will be wonderful to let go of work and worries for six days and just enjoy the happiest place on earth.