Saturday, December 21, 2013

'Tis the Season

With just a few days until Christmas, I am feeling the love in the air. What is it about the holiday season that makes me want to grab some cocoa and cuddle in front of a warm fire with someone special? And while I definitely have someone special in my life — and he's a great cuddler — it's not quite the same as having a grown man in my life.

It's not all the time that I long for a partner, but it seems I'm not alone in this desire for someone with whom to share the holidays. For the past three days, my online profile has been blowing up with emails from a number of men. Is everyone hoping to make an instant love connection before the 25th? While I don't think that's quite possible, it's interesting that we're all looking together.

Maybe it's because I've been fighting a cold/flu for a few days, but I've also been dreaming about (the completely wrong-for-me) men and been a little horndog. In my dreams, I've been casting a wide net, which is rare for me. Instead of a super-hot, Abercrombie model, I've been thinking about kind-of-goofy guys who are into comic books. These guys would be a lot of fun, and we'd have tons in common, but that's a friend, right? I want to have a good physical connection to be more than just buddies at Comicon.

And of course, in the way that my mind wanders, that got me thinking about whom I CAN attract versus whom I DO attract. Historically, I have attracted men who are weaker (beta) and looking for a strong woman. What I want is a strong (alpha) man who appreciates an educated, strong-minded woman.

In working with my business coach on the business I am attracting, we went back to the thought of be - do - have: I am being the best damn copywriter and editor in the business, focused on delighting my clients; once my mindshift changes, what I attract changes. So I thought, why can't I do the same with my personal life? If I am being a confident, beautiful woman who makes her man feel appreciated and loved, shouldn't that man show up for me? Hey, it's worth a shot.

Although I don't think I'll meet him in the next four days. :-)

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Let's Cut to the Chase

I don't like dating. I'm not good at it, and very little about the idea of "trying on" different men does anything for me. Sure, some people enjoy the getting-to-know you stage, the first kisses, the awkwardness ... but I like things to be known, comfortable, and simple. I think this may be part of the reason dating doesn't work too well for me.

Men seem to like the chase. There have been books written on the subject of this dating game and what we're supposed to do when. I, on the other hand, just want to be caught. No chasing required. If I'm interested in a man, I'm his. And I'm loyal. Once I've made up my mind, I'm not looking around any longer. I'm more than happy to take myself off the market. This freaks out men because they feel I'm rushing into something or pushing them.

Although all of us probably have some codependency issues, I honestly believe my desire to skip all of the formalities and just get into a relationship isn't about that. It's about knowing what's next. As I've mentioned before in this blog, I am a high I/D in the DISC assessment: I like to have fun, but I also like to get down to business. And relationships work exactly the same way for me.

So while I enjoy going out and having fun (i.e., dating), I can skip over all of that awkward craziness that happens during the beginning dating stages. I just want to be in a relationship. I'll work to keep it solid and loving once it's established, but can't I just jump there from the get-go? I mean, if we realized pretty soon that it was a fit, let's just "play house" and see where it goes. I'm not going to move in with you tomorrow, but some certainty would make me pretty happy.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Big Thinking

I'm a big thinker. I always have been. I remember being seven or eight and considering my place in the universe and how little and insignificant I was within the bigger picture. Because of the way I thought, I knew that when I had a child, he or she would be a big thinker, even way before my son entered the world. (He is, of course.)

One might think that "thinking" is a good thing, and generally, one would be right. It's good to exercise the brain and think outside the box to realize better solutions. However, sometimes thinking too much is a big hindrance to life — especially when it comes to dating. That's when we start calling it "mental masturbation," and I am quite guilty of doing that.

Lately, I've been thinking about that big question: Do I want to have someone in my life? Although my standard response is no, I think the truth is that "no" encompasses most people. But I'm not looking for most people; I'm only looking for one.

And sure, I love my life the way it is. I am still not eager to change everything to accommodate another person joining me, at least not right at the moment. It will take me some time to be at that place. But recent circumstances have made me wonder if there's a possibility that I could have that partnership in my life. I'll admit that I miss having a strong arm around me or a caring voice to share the day's events. But the time and energy needed to find that are, well, something I'm not willing to spend.

Today on Facebook, this came up in my feed, and it really spoke to me:
This is not the partner I want: the one who isn't available and is unsure how to share his feelings. I want the strong man who doesn't want to play games and can tell me what's in his heart. The question, then, is where are such men? And will thinking this much about a man like that make him appear?

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

The Thought That Lingers

Recently, the last man I dated has come up in conversation more often than he probably should, given that we only dated three months and it ended back in May. On Friday, I was chatting with a friend who is working on a book about types of men. His take: the ex wasn't ready for a relationship, so that didn't count for the purposes of his discussion. Then tonight, while out to dinner with a friend, he suggested I will likely fall in love with an alpha man who is alpha out of confidence (as opposed to insecurity) and who is educated. My response: "I did. That was the last guy I dated."

The truth is a little scary.

Clarity is a good thing, and I welcome it. My ex-husband and I have been getting along recently, so that weight is off my shoulders. And business is going well, keeping me totally on my toes with much to do, so I'm not worried about that either. So I guess I have time to think about things I really shouldn't be considering — and perhaps finding clarity in the process. To get here, I've had some "help" from these friends who've been asking about the men in my life. Since there aren't any, I naturally go back to the last one.

It's always challenging to look for something when you have a "list" to fulfill, and my friend this evening suggested I have too long a list. But I was able to whittle it down to just three things:
1. Share similar values
2. Be attracted to each other
3. Engage and excite each other

I don't think any of these things are optional, and #3 really encompasses all kinds of things: sexual appetite, education level and intelligence, and sense of humor, to name a few. One would think it might be easy to fulfill a list of three requirements, but it really isn't. In the five years since my ex-husband and I split, I've dated two people with intention — and only one got that close to my heart. Those men that pull on my heart strings aren't readily available in the dating world. They're friends, and I have some wonderful male friends, but ones who engage me, are attractive, and have my values? They're hard to find.

So I linger. And I think about things I have no right to think. *Sigh*

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Sex and the Marriage Curse

There's a joke I'm sure we've all heard: What's the #1 thing that makes sex stop? Wedding cake. Unfortunately, it seems true, and I'm learning that, for some, having been married at all in one's life makes one's passion for sex decrease. If marriage is supposed to make us closer and sex easier to have, shouldn't that increase the passion? Perhaps familiarity is the death of sex.

I noticed this with the last person I dated, who had been with his ex-wife nearly 20 years. We were at the beginning stages of our dating, when we should be screwing like teenagers. However, even though we only saw each other about every other weekend, we would only have sex once or twice over the course of the weekend. I would have been happy to have sex pretty much constantly, yet he was okay with doing it much less often.

Perhaps the issue is that, once we've been married, we are searching for a certain level of comfort, for companionship, and the sex thing isn't the driving reason we partner up with people. Certainly, I can agree with that for myself. Although I have a higher libido than the average person, I too am looking for a partner with whom I can enjoy shared interests; it's not all about the sex. But good sex is a nice addition. Honestly, I can find companionship from my son, but there's obviously a whole area of passion that is not in that relationship. That's one of the reasons I would want a man in my life.

It seems that a married person (or perhaps someone with the experience of having been married) is happy with sex twice a week (sometimes it's more like twice a month!). Many that I know don't even prioritize sex anymore, which surprises me. I guess that, were I married again, I might fall into a twice-weekly pattern of sex, but I would hope that we would both be focused on having sex a little more often. When sex dies off, you start to get settled and forget why you're with the person in the first place.

What are your thoughts? Do you think marriage curses sex?

Friday, July 26, 2013

The Million-Dollar Question

Today at a networking event, after a colleague learned that I'm not married and don't have boyfriend, he asked, "Do you want a boyfriend?" I hesitated because I kind of do and kind of don't, but I definitely didn't want that guy in the potential mix. My answer was a definitive no, but it got me thinking: DO I want a man in my life?

In the five years I've been single, I have dated two men, for a total of about five months. I wouldn't call either of them a boyfriend, and they wouldn't even rank on my list of serious relationships. Do I want to walk down that path again and try to find someone to be a partner? The short answer is no, not now.

The truth is that I really like my life. I am getting better and better at balancing time between my son and work, and I get a little time for myself when Patrick is with his dad or at school. My business has been really growing lately, and I am looking forward to much more growth in the coming future because of the focus I've had recently. I am in balance, and I love that feeling.

The benefits of having a man in my life are, of course, many. I would really like to have sex on a regular basis (hey, a girl has needs!), but I've never been one for casual sex, and I don't see myself changing that ... ever. So I would need to have a relationship in order to have sex, and right now, that effort is not worth it for me — regardless of the fact that I'm in my 40s and in my sexual prime.

So the answer to the million-dollar question of whether or not I want a boyfriend is on the back burner for now. I am happy and not looking for anyone. Naturally, my viewpoint is open for change. Ask me next year.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Not the Sharpest Tool

Lately, I've been noticing more and more people who just aren't that bright. I know a common thought is that most people are pretty stupid — and I share that thought — but I haven't really been exposed to them that much in my life. In fact, I've made it a point to surround myself with those who are smarter than I am. Now, though, it seems that more "simple" people are crossing my path daily.

Since I was in school, I have hung out with the smart crowd, the nerds who were artists, writers, and thinkers. Having lived in a different country and in many states in the US, I have a broader worldview than many, and I've been attracted to those who can look outside of their little box. Even now, as a business owner, I draw in those who are successful and can teach me to be more successful. I read a lot of non-fiction, I watch intellectual shows, and my brain is full of all kinds of useless knowledge. I guess I just don't understand when others don't challenge themselves and are okay to be simple and just get by in life.

Perhaps it goes to belief systems. As an atheist, I believe that I am only going to be on this planet one time and I need to make the most of that 100 or so years I'm alive. Most of my friends are also atheists or agnostics, so they continue to better themselves for their limited lives. I think it really hit me that there are some not-so-bright folks walking around when an atheist friend recently showed her cards. I thought it was just me being judgmental (I tend to do that), but when another friend had similar issues communicating with this woman, I realized it was really with her. That opened my eyes to see so many people around me who are just going day to day and not questioning anything or even wanting anything real. It's surprising to me.

Another group is those folks who aren't that bright — but they think they are. They come across as trying so hard to be intellectually superior, yet they miss the mark and just look like buffoons. They look down on the simple lot, but the truth is they're among them.

Of course, I realize that simple people are often not unhappy. They are perfectly content to live life as they've constructed it, and I may be in the minority in my frustration on their behalves. I guess it's kind of like "The Matrix": If you knew there was something more to learn, would you? Or would you just continue living in a haze? I'll take the red pill, please.