Just Looking, Thanks

The other night, I went to a monthly atheists Meetup. I was under the weather, as I have been for the past few days, and was just looking forward to getting out of the house and seeing a few friends. Surprisingly, I also saw some good-looking men there, which — let me tell you — is a rarity for me to find at one of these events. Usually, when I spot even one looker out in the world, my mind is off and running about the possibilities, but this time, I noticed and that was it.

Maybe it's because I've only been single for about a month and a half. Maybe I'm just not focused on the men around me. Whatever the reason, I don't find myself much interested in men at the moment. In fact, one of the men who showed up at the gathering was someone who had contacted me through Meetup to get together, and I've not thought of him as more than an activity partner throughout our conversations. Being in a relationship just isn't on my radar at the moment.

So I guess this is a good thing. My son is out of town for a couple of weeks, and I am excited to do a lot of working, a lot of TV and movie watching, and hiking and getting back to a regular gym routine (damn vacations!). I'm not at all interested in dating anyone at this point. But that doesn't mean I can't look....

Surprisingly, No Longings

Yesterday, my son and I returned from a week-long vacation at Walt Disney World. It was his first trip to Florida and the bigger of the two US Disney parks and the first time I'd been there in more than a decade. It was just he and I, and it rained nearly every day. But we didn't let that get us down. We pulled out the umbrella and kept soldiering on. The people watching (especially with the added stressor of bad weather) was fantastic. I saw good parenting, not good parenting, a lot of really large people, and a couple of amazing mullets. What a trip!

The last time I was at WDW, it was with the first "love of my life," and I was sick as a dog (found out while there that I was pregnant). I still have some good memories of that vacation and still harbor feelings for that man, although we haven't spoken in 12 years. In addition to that, it was only a month ago that DW ended our relationship. Going to not only a family-friendly destination but one where many lovebirds find themselves, I was thinking I would feel a bunch of romantic longings while there, either for Love #1 or DW. As it turns out, I longed for neither of them.

Instead of spending my time in the "happiest place on earth" thinking about lost loves, I thought about my true love, my son. We had excellent quality time together, we drove each other crazy, and we played — just as children and parents should. Sure, it might have been fun to have a great man with us (and possibly his children), but nothing felt like it was missing during this vacation.

Because there were only two of us in WDW, we found places to sit at restaurants easier, we were able to have more room in the rides, and we maneuvered through the crowds easily. We huddled under our umbrella and didn't have as many personalities and wants to take care of. It was easy and carefree.

Even as I return to the "real world," I don't find myself longing for these men — or any men, for that matter. I am reenergized about work, I am excited about the summer, and I am happy. A friend texted me today to ask if I was having any luck finding someone or if there was any hope of rekindling anything with DW. I answered that I'm not looking, and I am over DW. That ship has sailed, and I am very happy right now sitting on the harbor with my son, watching the other ships take off.

At a Loss for Words

It seems I have a few readers of this blog — some of whom I didn't expect to be reading. Yesterday, I received a random email from DW (yes, my ex) regarding this blog and, specifically, the last one I wrote about him unfollowing me on social media. If I'd had water in my mouth when I saw it in my inbox, I'm positive I would have done a spittake.

I recently read an e-book about getting in, staying in, and possibly revitalizing a love relationship, yet nothing in there gave me any clue as to how to respond to this unexpected message. Really, there wasn't anything to which I need to respond ... so I didn't. I even posted on Facebook to ask for feedback, but no one had anything helpful to share there either. Funny that most of my friends expressed anger at DW for breaking up with what they see to be a wonderful woman for, well, pretty poor reasons, and they didn't feel he deserves any response.

It's rare, though, that I don't say anything back to someone who speaks to me. My ex-husband (whom I pretty much despise at this point) can incite a cursing war via text because of his idiocy. Exes from the far past have reached out to apologize (as part of their 12 steps, usually; I attract the winners!), and I have always responded. But this time, I'm left speechless. What do I say when this person's words confuse me at every turn? Here's a great example: He said he cut connections on social media because "it was too hard to see your face and hear your words. I needed to get you off my feeds so I could move on." Yet he's reading my blog?! How does that make any sense? Yet further proof that I have no clue how people act or what they are thinking.

So on to other things that inspire much more happiness and make way more sense. In just two days, my son and I are headed to Walt Disney World for a week. One of my friends will also be there with his daughter, so we hope to get together at some point for the kids to play and us to catch up. This is Patrick's first visit to WDW after many to Disneyland, and he's super excited as well. It will be wonderful to let go of work and worries for six days and just enjoy the happiest place on earth. 

And I Really Don't Understand Anything Anymore

The other day, a (married) male friend of mine was at my house on a business call, and after talking for about an hour about life, love, and outlooks on the world (as we always do when we're together), I got the distinct feeling he was going to kiss me. I have learned to pay attention to this Spidey Sense, but the taking action part is what I missed because, shortly thereafter, he kissed me. It wasn't the "I'm Italian and kiss everyone on the lips" kiss I've gotten from some male friends; this was a kiss with intention. I struggled to keep my mouth closed, and I pulled away quickly, doing my best to laugh it off.

Then, today, I wandered around social media and saw that DW, my last relationship of three months, had stopped following me and my business on Twitter and Facebook. That whole situation confuses the hell out of me. "I love you" on Friday, "I'm not sure" on Sunday, "Let's break up" the following Saturday, unfriending me on Facebook a week later, and now, within a month, he's completely MIA. How does someone go from hot to ice cold in so short a time period?

These two incidents have shown me that I honestly have no fucking clue what's going on in the world. I think I'm pretty true to myself, I like who I am, and I am careful not to lead people on or be dishonest, yet a married, older man kissed me and a man who professed his love disappeared. I am left saying my new catchphrase, "Hubba-wha?!"

In speaking to my business coach this week, his suggestion was to really observe — both myself and others. According to him, I sent all kinds of signals to the kisser that I was interested, from inviting him into my house (even if for business) to talking about everything I know he discusses with everyone else we know. Likewise, I'm sure I was the culprit for creating the end to the relationship in which I was truly interested with DW.

I'm confused. I don't know what people are thinking — or why, for that matter — and I have zero clue as to their perceptions of me. I've been told that presenting as vulnerable and tender are the way to attract a man, yet he also wants a woman who is confident and assertive. How can I be both?

At this point, I'm ready to give up on the whole interpersonal relationship thing. It's way too fucking complicated.

Square Pegs and Round Holes

In the '80s, our Freaks and Geeks was a little-watched show called Square Pegs. It showcased Sarah Jessica Parker (way before Sex and the City) and was all about the trials and tribulations of being out of the norm in high school in the '80s. Possibly the most memorable parts of the show were the theme song, sung by the Waitresses, and Muffy Tepperman, Jami Gertz's character. Every time someone talks about square pegs, I think of this show and that theme.

Recently, DW said that we were trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole... this as he was ending our three-month relationship. It came out of left field for me since on a Friday night he was loving me and all happy, yet by Sunday evening he was done. The reason I received was that we had "misaligned passions," meaning that he felt I was completely in love with him while he wasn't there (although he did love me). He also acknowledged he's not quite over his marriage, which I already suspected.

Now, this isn't about DW as much as it's about me. I can't control what someone else thinks or feels anymore than I can control the weather. He had his own reasons for making the break, and I'm not going to question them. What I can do, though, is question myself and how I show up in relationships.

As I shared with DW, this isn't the first time I've felt as if the other person was telling me I was pushing. It happened when I dated the one other man since my divorce. At about two months, he said he felt as if I was pushing for a direction. I actually suggested to DW we call a Mulligan and start over—which he classified as a "bold suggestion" but ultimately vetoed. Hey, it could have been a good learning experience for both of us! :-)

I've been reading an interesting book about how to woo a man, and one of the key components is to not talk about emotions too soon and to give the guy a lot of space. While they certainly do have emotions, apparently many men are freaked out about talking about them too soon. And here I waltz in with my "I've been single way too long" feelings, tossing around emotions as if they're newspapers heading to the recycling bin.

The truth: I wasn't in love with DW. I loved him, yes, but I was working way too hard in that relationship. I was giving entirely too much, and I was already getting tired of it when he did his 180º turn. I want to have a man do wonderful things for me too! I think a great relationship is a two-way street, and each participant should give as good as he or she gets. When the balance was off with DW, it certainly did feel as if I'd grabbed a big hammer and was frantically trying to pound that square peg into a very round hole.

So I'm single again. I've learned that I tend to go way too fast and am highly intense and passionate, as well as reactive. I know that I am apt to latch onto a man because he's attractive, decent, and pays attention to me, whether we're a good fit or not. I need to focus on slowing down and enjoying the ride more than trying to figure out where we're going. It's a hard task for me, but I'm positive it will pay off in the end.

For now, though, I'm not looking. I went back online for a week, reached the end of the eligible men on OK Cupid, and closed up my account. I have too many irons in the fire right now, and I need to deal with those before I jump into anything new. It's always good to regroup after a relationship anyway, right?

Doing the Limbo

As I've probably mentioned before in this blog, I am an ENTJ on the MBTI Personality Type. That last axis, J, is what causes me the most issues, especially in relationships with P's, the other type. J stands for judging, and it means that I like things to have a finite direction or ending. I don't like to be left hanging. P, on the other hand, stands for perceiving, and those folks are okay with letting things roll out in any direction they want to go.

Perhaps it's a lesson I am supposed to learn that I keep partnering with P's. These men have been go-with-the-flow types, not terribly focused on what's next. In short, this drives me CRAZY. I'm left wondering and trying to figure out what's up, which sends me right to the T of the equation, or thinking. Many of my P partners are F in that category, or feeling. T and J tend to fit well together, just as F and P do; often, you'll find more thoughtful, caring folks with that latter MBTI reading.

Lately, I have been in quite the limbo, and my J is SCREAMING at me. I'm actually not even sure if I am still in a relationship or am single at this point; that's how open ended my life has become. While part of me (that pesky J part) wants to pick up the phone and pointedly ask, "What the hell?!" I know full well that the P in the other person wouldn't take kindly to that kind of "attack." So I remain in limbo.

While all of these thoughts are stirring in my head, and I'm unsure if I'm half of a couple or just a single, I am reading Capture His Heart, an ebook series that serendipitously showed up as a suggested post in my Facebook feed. While much of what I've read so far could be chalked up to common sense, none of it is very natural to me.

To capture a man (which sounds like some kind of awful ploy, but it's really not based on trickery), the basic rules of relationships apply: be confident, be sexy, focus on him, draw him out with great questions, treat yourself well, build him up with admiration and appreciation. Like I said, they're all pretty basic. I'm eager to get to the section about the seven massive mistakes to avoid at all costs, but the ebook is laid out in such a way that only a section or two is available each day—and this section doesn't open for two more days. I'm sure I've covered all of them numerous times, so I'm ready to beat myself up about that one!

I guess, so far, the hardest part for me to remember in all of this is the "it's all about me" component. Being a bit narcissistic myself, I am there, but I forget that others view the world from the same lens. When I post something on Facebook or in this blog, it IS all about me; it's not about any other person (unless it's about MY feelings regarding that person). I post generic things all the time on my Facebook feed—with no intended hidden meanings or targeted recipient—and still everyone else draws a conclusion about what I mean. I've called myself high maintenance, highly sexual, intense, and even reactive...but I'm only talking about myself. Such posts often result in texts and messages from well-meaning friends to ask if I'm okay in my relationship or life. They're extrapolating, but they're often incorrect in the direction they take. There's a reason I'm vague in some of my posts: I don't want to give up too much and I'm really just sharing my feelings.

Right now, I'm sharing that I'm in limbo. I'm not crying, upset, or hurt. I don't need a call to make sure I'm okay (if I do, I will reach out). Limbo naturally leads me to a confused state since I like neatly folded conclusions that are wrapped with a bow. But I guess life isn't like that. I'm learning, and that's the best I can do.

The Balance of Power

"Perception is everything"—and often it is completely off kilter when it comes to interpersonal communications. One person usually feels as if he or she is giving much more than he or she is receiving, which leads to hurt feelings, different perceptions, and, ultimately, a harmful breakdown of communication. We've all seen it, whether in our personal relationships or on our favorite TV show or movie. This imbalance of power, if you will, may be all in one person's mind, but it is the beginning of a downward spiral.

In my first marriage, I gave and gave. I shared thoughtful little gifts, including cards and even a candy bar I picked up at the store while getting groceries. Unfortunately, from my point of view, my kindness wasn't as appreciated as I would have liked, and it certainly wasn't reciprocated. I felt drained with all of my giving.

In my next major relationship, he gave much more than I did. I had been burned by giving and not receiving, so I cut way back (which, of course, wasn't fair to this partner). He gave so much that I felt smothered. He gave of his time, he gave gifts, and I appreciated so little of it. He questioned my love for him.

With my second husband, I think we both gave a lot at the beginning, and then neither of us gave much of ourselves anymore after our son was born. We were so busy giving to him that there was precious little left to share with each other. I wanted him to give more, while he felt unappreciated for all he felt he was giving to the relationship. Perception was off and neither of us talked about it.

Since that marriage ended, I have taken a bird's-eye view of how relationships work and seriously evaluated my part in them, both past and present. I read The Five Love Languages. I watched Fireproof. But emotions are emotions: no matter how much we attempt to train them, they're going to go their own way. We are going to jump to conclusions that, oftentimes, are incorrect.

This is a good time to share with you my view on women's emotions and relationships. I think that women are natural givers; we have so much we want to share with the world, and we just emanate love. Much like the lost little baby in the book Are You My Mommy?, we wander around looking for an outlet for those emotions. "Can I love you?" "How about you?" "Are you the one?" Then we find the person who feels like he is worthy of our affection and we give it! We share our emotions so readily that the man feels as if he's been slapped upside the head with them. His perception may be that the woman is a bit needy and codependent; our perception may be that he is standoffish and fearful of commitment. And if we don't talk about these feelings (which it seems that most people don't), we're likely to again have an imbalance of power and skewed perceptions.

Being in a relationship is a bit like dancing. One person leads and the other follows, yet unlike on the dance floor, the person who leads can be either the man or woman, and it may shift throughout their time together. I guess I'm still unsure when I should lead and when I should follow, and when I do follow, I feel out of control and am guessing. In effect, my perception is that my partner doesn't care about me as much as I care about him. It's frustrating, but when I take the lead, I then feel as if I'm pushing too hard.

Honestly, I'm not sure that I have a point with my post. Perhaps it's more a stream of consciousness to get some things off my chest. Suffice it to say that I am learning every single day, and although I think and feel profoundly, it takes two people to create a winning relationship. Maybe I need to learn how to dance.