Shiny New Objects

What is the lure of having something new? I just bought new Wonder Woman Converse over the weekend, and wearing them for the first time today was a bit of a high. When I got my new iPhone, I was so proud and casually showed it off to anyone who was looking. But why is this? Why is it that we never seem to be happy enough with what we have and are always looking for something new?

The same could be said for relationships. I have friends who've been married nearly 20 years, and while I—as a single person—was lamenting the dating game, they were pointing out that that knowing someone that well has its disadvantages as well. If you're staying committed, you certainly won't experience a new person again. Is that why people cheat?

There's definitely something to be said about having something new. We get to have different experiences, check out all the bells and whistles, and see how things work. In a new relationship, we aren't yet at the point of taking each other for granted, and we spend a lot of time just being together. In this disposable society, when we own something that's not working, we usually don't get it fixed; we buy something new. And technology just feeds that need for shiny new objects by coming out with upgrades regularly. The question is: What is this obsession with the latest and greatest doing for our relationships?

Dating Personas

I've taken a lot of time recently (meaning the last few years) to think about what I'm looking for in a man as I move forward. A lot of the talk has been about finding an alpha man, since I get perturbed when I'm with a man who seems to have no backbone. But maybe I've been barking up the wrong tree.

Yesterday, while out with a couple who's been together for the better part of 20 years, we talked about this. The point was: Have I ever seen two alphas in a relationship? And have I even been with an alpha? Do I know if I can yield? The truth: I've never been with a strong man. When I was younger, they freaked me out. Now, I find so few of them—and they kind of freak me out still. Losing control is a serious vulnerability for me.

The conversation continued that evening when I hung out with my very good friend (brother from another mother). He and I dated for a couple of years a decade ago, so he has a unique perspective I can't gain from others. I asked him, "Do you see me as sexually aggressive / assertive?" After thinking about it for a few minutes, he said yes. I told him about my dilemma, and he asked, "Who do you want people to see when you're putting yourself out there?" Hmm...

This relates back to a business meeting I had on Friday. That company creates personas of potential target markets so the clients have a better understanding of how to reach those targets. What if I create a persona of the people I want to meet? And then create a persona for me?

My friend asked if I want to be the cute girl, sexually alluring, smart, etc. I know I DON'T want to be the sexually alluring person; that sets me up as sexually aggressive, and that's not at all who I am. I'm much more the smart, funny girl, the one who enjoys getting nerdy talking about language, culture, tech gadgets, and comic-book characters. I love men who can carry on conversations about those kinds of things and who are smarter in them than I am. Of course, I want them to be attractive and fit as well, which might be where I'm tripping myself up.

I think what it boils down to is trying too hard. If I test every man who shows up as a potential dating partner, I'll scare a majority of them away before we even get started. And if I make all kinds of rules about whom I'll talk to, I'll likely talk to no one.

So I'm going to create a persona for my ideal guy and a persona for how I fit best with that man. Then I'm going to be me because, honestly, I really like who I am when I'm authentic. At least I know I'm already happy, so I won't be losing anything there.

False Pretenses?

I am not good at attracting men. I'm not sure that I ever have been, which is kind of weird to say for someone who was nearly always dating someone from the time I was 17 until recently. In my early years, I was obsessed with men wanting me for my looks, since I was always seen as one of the guys. But then that put me into a different category: If I'm one of the guys and attractive, I must be easy. That's something I never was, so that leads me back to where I am now: creeping up on one year of celibacy and dating only one man in four years (for a mere two months).

Recently, I was talking to one of my many male friends (one of the guys, remember?), and we were talking about how I scare men by being so frank and honest. He knows me pretty well, and he suggested that had I been more subtle at the beginning and then opened up the layers to reveal that more aggressive, atypical female side, it would have been way more attractive.

Today, I asked another male friend who knows me as well as the first, and he agreed completely. Apparently, one must appear to be like 99% of the women out there, and then—only once the man is smitten—reveal who one really is. In other words, if I want to win, I have to play the game.

Just as I'm not good at attracting men, I'm equally poor at playing games. I play to win, and I am aggressive. Just ask anyone who's played me in Words with Friends. And I'm scared to death of losing, to be honest about it.

If I am more demure at the beginning, I'm more vulnerable. I don't have a way to vet out potential partners if I don't test them at the beginning by tossing out sexual innuendos and seeing how they respond. I want a man who is unafraid of my banter and will volley with me. Can this be achieved with softness?

Actually, I tried that approach not too long ago, around the same time a coach gave me a DISC assessment. That showed me to be fighting with myself and not being true to who I am. As the coach pointed out, if I catch a man as one person and then am really someone else, he'll likely run anyway. So wouldn't I rather he run at the get-go instead of after I'm invested?

My head hurts....

Testing 1...2...3

Recently, I've met a few men who have flirted with me (they talked to me longer than five minutes, which men tell me constitutes as flirting). This is a rarity both for it to happen and for me to notice it is happening, believe me. What I've also noticed is that I am pretty consistent in testing them before it goes too much farther.

If you talk to one of my male friends who fashions himself a life coach, he'll tell you that women are constantly testing, and maybe that's true. I know that I definitely do it, because I want to make sure we'll be compatible and that he can deal with all of the different facets of me. I'm not sure that I do it while I'm actually in a relationship, but it's been so long since that happened that I can't really say.

In the process of testing, I'll drop little things that give the guy a hint of who I might be if we move forward. I'll talk about sex, tell silly jokes, mention that I host and attend clothing-optional pool parties. The truth of the matter, of course, is that all of these things are truly topical and not at all what define me. They hide the real me who is vulnerable and really wants to be the beta or submissive female to an alpha, dominant man in a trusting partnership. But the man has to get through my superficial tests before I let him know about that part of me.

Ladies: Do you routinely test men as either part of your dating or ongoing relationship?
Men: Have you been (or felt you've been) tested by a woman? How have you dealt with it?

What's the Statute of Limitations on Longing?

In the past week, I have had two extremely vivid dreams about the first love of my life, the "one who got away" shortly after I turned 30. Mind you, I am now 41, so why would I possibly still be thinking about a man who walked out of my life 11 years ago? Shouldn't my brain and heart have purged him by now?

The man in question was the first man I truly loved, and I was sure he was "the one." Unfortunately, his parents had a lot of money and, therefore, a lot of pull. Eventually, they pulled him away from me. Since he was never horrible to me, it was always hard to see him in a bad light (unlike the second love of my life), and maybe that contributes to his recent appearances in my dreams. Of course, it could also be that I'm quickly approaching my one-year anniversary of celibacy. Seriously, after this long, pretty much everything looks good to me.

So what do you think? How long have you continued to think about a lost love? What did you do to purge?