'Tis the Season

With just a few days until Christmas, I am feeling the love in the air. What is it about the holiday season that makes me want to grab some cocoa and cuddle in front of a warm fire with someone special? And while I definitely have someone special in my life — and he's a great cuddler — it's not quite the same as having a grown man in my life.

It's not all the time that I long for a partner, but it seems I'm not alone in this desire for someone with whom to share the holidays. For the past three days, my online profile has been blowing up with emails from a number of men. Is everyone hoping to make an instant love connection before the 25th? While I don't think that's quite possible, it's interesting that we're all looking together.

Maybe it's because I've been fighting a cold/flu for a few days, but I've also been dreaming about (the completely wrong-for-me) men and been a little horndog. In my dreams, I've been casting a wide net, which is rare for me. Instead of a super-hot, Abercrombie model, I've been thinking about kind-of-goofy guys who are into comic books. These guys would be a lot of fun, and we'd have tons in common, but that's a friend, right? I want to have a good physical connection to be more than just buddies at Comicon.

And of course, in the way that my mind wanders, that got me thinking about whom I CAN attract versus whom I DO attract. Historically, I have attracted men who are weaker (beta) and looking for a strong woman. What I want is a strong (alpha) man who appreciates an educated, strong-minded woman.

In working with my business coach on the business I am attracting, we went back to the thought of be - do - have: I am being the best damn copywriter and editor in the business, focused on delighting my clients; once my mindshift changes, what I attract changes. So I thought, why can't I do the same with my personal life? If I am being a confident, beautiful woman who makes her man feel appreciated and loved, shouldn't that man show up for me? Hey, it's worth a shot.

Although I don't think I'll meet him in the next four days. :-)

Let's Cut to the Chase

I don't like dating. I'm not good at it, and very little about the idea of "trying on" different men does anything for me. Sure, some people enjoy the getting-to-know you stage, the first kisses, the awkwardness ... but I like things to be known, comfortable, and simple. I think this may be part of the reason dating doesn't work too well for me.

Men seem to like the chase. There have been books written on the subject of this dating game and what we're supposed to do when. I, on the other hand, just want to be caught. No chasing required. If I'm interested in a man, I'm his. And I'm loyal. Once I've made up my mind, I'm not looking around any longer. I'm more than happy to take myself off the market. This freaks out men because they feel I'm rushing into something or pushing them.

Although all of us probably have some codependency issues, I honestly believe my desire to skip all of the formalities and just get into a relationship isn't about that. It's about knowing what's next. As I've mentioned before in this blog, I am a high I/D in the DISC assessment: I like to have fun, but I also like to get down to business. And relationships work exactly the same way for me.

So while I enjoy going out and having fun (i.e., dating), I can skip over all of that awkward craziness that happens during the beginning dating stages. I just want to be in a relationship. I'll work to keep it solid and loving once it's established, but can't I just jump there from the get-go? I mean, if we realized pretty soon that it was a fit, let's just "play house" and see where it goes. I'm not going to move in with you tomorrow, but some certainty would make me pretty happy.

Big Thinking

I'm a big thinker. I always have been. I remember being seven or eight and considering my place in the universe and how little and insignificant I was within the bigger picture. Because of the way I thought, I knew that when I had a child, he or she would be a big thinker, even way before my son entered the world. (He is, of course.)

One might think that "thinking" is a good thing, and generally, one would be right. It's good to exercise the brain and think outside the box to realize better solutions. However, sometimes thinking too much is a big hindrance to life — especially when it comes to dating. That's when we start calling it "mental masturbation," and I am quite guilty of doing that.

Lately, I've been thinking about that big question: Do I want to have someone in my life? Although my standard response is no, I think the truth is that "no" encompasses most people. But I'm not looking for most people; I'm only looking for one.

And sure, I love my life the way it is. I am still not eager to change everything to accommodate another person joining me, at least not right at the moment. It will take me some time to be at that place. But recent circumstances have made me wonder if there's a possibility that I could have that partnership in my life. I'll admit that I miss having a strong arm around me or a caring voice to share the day's events. But the time and energy needed to find that are, well, something I'm not willing to spend.

Today on Facebook, this came up in my feed, and it really spoke to me:

This is not the partner I want: the one who isn't available and is unsure how to share his feelings. I want the strong man who doesn't want to play games and can tell me what's in his heart. The question, then, is where are such men? And will thinking this much about a man like that make him appear?

The Thought That Lingers

Recently, the last man I dated has come up in conversation more often than he probably should, given that we only dated three months and it ended back in May. On Friday, I was chatting with a friend who is working on a book about types of men. His take: the ex wasn't ready for a relationship, so that didn't count for the purposes of his discussion. Then tonight, while out to dinner with a friend, he suggested I will likely fall in love with an alpha man who is alpha out of confidence (as opposed to insecurity) and who is educated. My response: "I did. That was the last guy I dated."

The truth is a little scary.

Clarity is a good thing, and I welcome it. My ex-husband and I have been getting along recently, so that weight is off my shoulders. And business is going well, keeping me totally on my toes with much to do, so I'm not worried about that either. So I guess I have time to think about things I really shouldn't be considering — and perhaps finding clarity in the process. To get here, I've had some "help" from these friends who've been asking about the men in my life. Since there aren't any, I naturally go back to the last one.

It's always challenging to look for something when you have a "list" to fulfill, and my friend this evening suggested I have too long a list. But I was able to whittle it down to just three things:
1. Share similar values
2. Be attracted to each other
3. Engage and excite each other

I don't think any of these things are optional, and #3 really encompasses all kinds of things: sexual appetite, education level and intelligence, and sense of humor, to name a few. One would think it might be easy to fulfill a list of three requirements, but it really isn't. In the five years since my ex-husband and I split, I've dated two people with intention — and only one got that close to my heart. Those men that pull on my heart strings aren't readily available in the dating world. They're friends, and I have some wonderful male friends, but ones who engage me, are attractive, and have my values? They're hard to find.

So I linger. And I think about things I have no right to think. *Sigh*

Sex and the Marriage Curse

There's a joke I'm sure we've all heard: What's the #1 thing that makes sex stop? Wedding cake. Unfortunately, it seems true, and I'm learning that, for some, having been married at all in one's life makes one's passion for sex decrease. If marriage is supposed to make us closer and sex easier to have, shouldn't that increase the passion? Perhaps familiarity is the death of sex.

I noticed this with the last person I dated, who had been with his ex-wife nearly 20 years. We were at the beginning stages of our dating, when we should be screwing like teenagers. However, even though we only saw each other about every other weekend, we would only have sex once or twice over the course of the weekend. I would have been happy to have sex pretty much constantly, yet he was okay with doing it much less often.

Perhaps the issue is that, once we've been married, we are searching for a certain level of comfort, for companionship, and the sex thing isn't the driving reason we partner up with people. Certainly, I can agree with that for myself. Although I have a higher libido than the average person, I too am looking for a partner with whom I can enjoy shared interests; it's not all about the sex. But good sex is a nice addition. Honestly, I can find companionship from my son, but there's obviously a whole area of passion that is not in that relationship. That's one of the reasons I would want a man in my life.

It seems that a married person (or perhaps someone with the experience of having been married) is happy with sex twice a week (sometimes it's more like twice a month!). Many that I know don't even prioritize sex anymore, which surprises me. I guess that, were I married again, I might fall into a twice-weekly pattern of sex, but I would hope that we would both be focused on having sex a little more often. When sex dies off, you start to get settled and forget why you're with the person in the first place.

What are your thoughts? Do you think marriage curses sex?

The Million-Dollar Question

Today at a networking event, after a colleague learned that I'm not married and don't have boyfriend, he asked, "Do you want a boyfriend?" I hesitated because I kind of do and kind of don't, but I definitely didn't want that guy in the potential mix. My answer was a definitive no, but it got me thinking: DO I want a man in my life?

In the five years I've been single, I have dated two men, for a total of about five months. I wouldn't call either of them a boyfriend, and they wouldn't even rank on my list of serious relationships. Do I want to walk down that path again and try to find someone to be a partner? The short answer is no, not now.

The truth is that I really like my life. I am getting better and better at balancing time between my son and work, and I get a little time for myself when Patrick is with his dad or at school. My business has been really growing lately, and I am looking forward to much more growth in the coming future because of the focus I've had recently. I am in balance, and I love that feeling.

The benefits of having a man in my life are, of course, many. I would really like to have sex on a regular basis (hey, a girl has needs!), but I've never been one for casual sex, and I don't see myself changing that ... ever. So I would need to have a relationship in order to have sex, and right now, that effort is not worth it for me — regardless of the fact that I'm in my 40s and in my sexual prime.

So the answer to the million-dollar question of whether or not I want a boyfriend is on the back burner for now. I am happy and not looking for anyone. Naturally, my viewpoint is open for change. Ask me next year.

Not the Sharpest Tool

Lately, I've been noticing more and more people who just aren't that bright. I know a common thought is that most people are pretty stupid — and I share that thought — but I haven't really been exposed to them that much in my life. In fact, I've made it a point to surround myself with those who are smarter than I am. Now, though, it seems that more "simple" people are crossing my path daily.

Since I was in school, I have hung out with the smart crowd, the nerds who were artists, writers, and thinkers. Having lived in a different country and in many states in the US, I have a broader worldview than many, and I've been attracted to those who can look outside of their little box. Even now, as a business owner, I draw in those who are successful and can teach me to be more successful. I read a lot of non-fiction, I watch intellectual shows, and my brain is full of all kinds of useless knowledge. I guess I just don't understand when others don't challenge themselves and are okay to be simple and just get by in life.

Perhaps it goes to belief systems. As an atheist, I believe that I am only going to be on this planet one time and I need to make the most of that 100 or so years I'm alive. Most of my friends are also atheists or agnostics, so they continue to better themselves for their limited lives. I think it really hit me that there are some not-so-bright folks walking around when an atheist friend recently showed her cards. I thought it was just me being judgmental (I tend to do that), but when another friend had similar issues communicating with this woman, I realized it was really with her. That opened my eyes to see so many people around me who are just going day to day and not questioning anything or even wanting anything real. It's surprising to me.

Another group is those folks who aren't that bright — but they think they are. They come across as trying so hard to be intellectually superior, yet they miss the mark and just look like buffoons. They look down on the simple lot, but the truth is they're among them.

Of course, I realize that simple people are often not unhappy. They are perfectly content to live life as they've constructed it, and I may be in the minority in my frustration on their behalves. I guess it's kind of like "The Matrix": If you knew there was something more to learn, would you? Or would you just continue living in a haze? I'll take the red pill, please.

The Power of Polish

There's definitely something to be said for "girling it up." Although I like dresses and skirts and love to look good, I am a bigger fan of being comfortable and saving money. I'm not ashamed to admit that the places I primarily shop for clothes are Old Navy and Target, with occasional finds at Goodwill. If something is more than $25, it's hard for me to spend money on it. I'm frugal, and being a girl can be expensive and time consuming! However, there is a huge benefit to creating that feminine mystique: men completely eat it up!

All I need to do is put on a pencil skirt, three-inch heels, and nail polish, and men pay attention. I went to a networking event last week dressed as such, and being "girly" was way more powerful in creating relationships than anything I shared about my business. Even colleagues I'd known for years were falling over themselves to say hello and compliment me on how good I looked. It was a huge boost to my ego — and a big wake-up call.

Men want feminine women. Just as I, as a woman, want a man with some muscles, hair on his chest, and a five-o'clock shadow, men want a woman who is soft, hairless, and puts a little effort into her appearance. And since I am frugal, I've found ways to save money while still glamming it up.

Mani / Pedis

Nail polish averages about $3 a bottle and up to $10 for O.P.I., one of the best brands on the market. Ulta always has coupons to save a little off that price, and polish lasts quite a while. It may take a little practice to be an expert, but that French manicure can come later. I have it down to a science now, and my do-it-myself French mani / pedi is nearly as good as a corner nail salon, which will cost $20–30 a month.

Makeup

If you're putting things on your skin, you need to be wary about skimping on quality. However, The Body Shop — my favorite place — just ran a 50%-off makeup sale, where I got two eyeshadows and foundation for $20. Makeup lasts about 3–6 months, depending on how much you wear and how often, so you only have to drop the bucks two or three times a year, meaning you can save up and budget.

Hair

Believe it or not, I cut and color my own hair. It's pretty much a straight cut with some graduated bangs, so it's easy to cut (it's long). Coloring is more time than money, and as I want to cover my grays more frequently now, I save a TON of money by doing this all myself. If you don't think you can cut your hair yourself, try Cost Cutters, Fantastic Sam's, or a beauty school; they usually do a pretty good job.

Clothes

You don't need to shop at Nordstrom's to look fantastic. I literally do shop at Target, Old Navy, and Goodwill. I don't like to shop, and I don't like to spend money, so these are much better choices for me. Both Target and Old Navy have coupons and sales all the time, and Goodwill runs a 50%-off sale every other Saturday. I've gotten a number of great items for very little money. And the best part is that no one is the wiser.
 

Attitude

So looking great attracts the men, and we do that through our hair, makeup, nails, and clothes, but it's the attitude that really cements the look. Men are looking for confidence, which is presented in posture, and warmth, which happens as soon as you smile. A positive, confident, and warm attitude is priceless, so put on that gorgeous outfit, girl it up, and realize the power of polish.

The Art of Kissing

There is more than one way to get into a woman's skirt, but likely none is as effective as a good old-fashioned kiss. The kiss is what tells us if there's more to learn, and the lips seem to be directly connected to both our sex glands and heart. How that is, I can't say, but it's something that many men don't seem to realize. They rush in open mouthed, tongue extended, a little too eager. If only they took a little time and focused on kissing and some passion, they'd likely see better results.

The best kisses become more of a "session" than just one or two kisses. Good kissing in and of itself can be pretty exciting foreplay, but you have to settle in a little bit first. The rest will come, and I promise it will be wild with abandon if the kissing starts on the right foot.

This Is Not a Porno
In x-rated movies, the point is not to highlight kissing, but when they do show any mouth-to-mouth action, it's typically more tongue to tongue than lips to lips. The best way to start a kiss is slowly. Let me repeat that: Slow down! If you're in a race to "get some," either hire someone or go it solo. When you're seducing a woman, the key is to let things linger; make her want it to move forward quicker than you're progressing. It's the secret to creating that longing and passion. Trust me.

Close Your Mouth
When babies are learning to kiss, their mouths are open and you're left with a face full of wetness. It's cute on an eight-month-old, but it's not as attractive coming from a forty-year-old man. I've seen a lot of this recently, and it's, well, gross. No one wants to see that at the pool (where I saw it), and there's no passion in a kiss that isn't a kiss at all. Once you get into things, kisses come faster and may be more open, and you'll find tongues searching for each other in the dark ... but that's another blog.

I'm not talking about keeping your mouth closed the whole time you're kissing, of course, but the first kisses shouldn't involve any tongue at all. Linger on the lips for a bit. Then, once the passion ignites, by all means use tongues, but don't enter the situation open mouthed. Instead, start with a closed mouth and then use your tongue to explore her lips and find her tongue and play with that a bit. Then end that kiss with closed mouth before moving on to the next one. Keeping your mouth open the whole time isn't even practical; you'd be drooling all over the place!

No Biting
Okay, I'll admit that this one may just be me, but I don't understand biting my lip during a kiss. If you want to nibble, there are far more exciting body parts on which to show a little teeth; the lips aren't it for me.

Use Your Hands
While kissing happens at our mouths, there are two whole bodies involved. Start with a simple hug, but pull her closer when you want to up the passion. Or explore parts of her body with your hands, slowly and then more aggressively. One of my favorite lines from a song is from Sting's "Fields of Gold": "Feel her body rise as you kiss her mouth." If you're doing it right, this will definitely happen. That's your cue that you're on the right track and to continue — or walk away, depending on your ultimate goal.

Have a Technique
Thankfully, I've only had to teach maybe two men how to kiss, and that was when I was younger, but I have come across more than that who had no "game." You really need to have some sort of plan in your head on how to kiss to make it effective. Do you want her clothes to be falling off her body? Do you want to just say good-night and leave her longing?

And don't just kiss her lips. Check out her her neck, decolletage, or ears. There's a lot of lust as you move closer to the rest of her body. She's left guessing what you'll do next and is eager with anticipation.

Each person is different, and each kiss is unique. Your innocent good-night kiss may well turn into a passionate toss around the bedroom (or kitchen, hallway...), but very little starts without a fantastic kiss.

One for Sex, One for Dating

As I've mentioned, I'm reading Unhooked Generation, which talks about the abundance of choices we have these days, whether in dating or pasta sauces. So many choices make a decision hard to come to. What if something even better is right around the corner?

Dating is challenging enough, but it gets even more complicated when you think about the fact that our generation has no rules. Our parents didn't have sex until they married, and they knew the steps: courting, dating, going steady, getting engaged, getting married... and THEN sex. It was completely different than how we manage dating now, which sometimes starts with sex. And sometimes it doesn't even get past that.

Unfortunately, while most human beings crave sex, there's no set timeline as to when it should occur in a dating situation. What is for sure is that most men say that if a woman has sex with them too soon, it's over. But if it's been awhile, the tension can be unbearable. So what's a girl to do?

The other day, I was talking about this dilemma with a girlfriend, and she pointed out that's why she has ex-boyfriends in her mix. She is currently dating a new guy (three weeks in) and calls on the ex as needed to help keep her mind in the game. That's a great idea — if you have an ex on whom to call. When I lived in NY, I had a friend to call (I even visited him once after I moved to AZ), but here, my exes are in that category for good reason. I've not stayed friends with any of them. So I can either ramp up with a new guy just for sexual release, or I can float by on my own until I find someone worthy of dating. And, yes, I've been choosing the latter.

Apparently, though, a quick survey of many of my female friends shows that most don't have such a burning desire (or is that a need?) for sex. They're content to use their vibrators twice a month and call it good. They look at me funny when I say that sex is one of my main considerations in life, much less in a relationship. So I seem to be in the minority.

What do you think? Is it a good idea to have a little something-something in the wings while you continue to look for "the one"?

Passion or Stability?

When looking for a relationship, most of us will say we want it all. We want to be swept off our feet at just the sight of that special someone, and we want something that feels comfortable and "right." But is that even possible?

I'm currently reading The Unhooked Generation, all about how Generation Xers have such high expectations that they cannot possibly be met. Male or female, we have a list of what we desire in a mate. I have it too, so I'm certainly not pointing fingers, but how far has that list gotten me? Sure, there should be certain things we want in a relationship; obviously, if you're not attracted to the person, it can't go much farther. And many of us look for mates who share similar values, but what about all that other "fluff"? Is it a requirement for life-long happiness?

Many singles are online, and that approach to dating can really enforce the list mentality. When I was on OKCupid, I would go through a list of men who were atheist, white, and within a certain age range. Then I would look at their pictures. Most weren't attractive to me, so I was out of options. I got off that revolving wheel last month, and I don't envision myself going back. What's the point? That's just not a natural way to meet people. Don't we all judge on looks first and then take that dating time to figure out if there are any commonalities? With online dating, all of that courting is accelerated, pushing us to jump into bed sooner and then choose a direction: with or without that person. It's screwing up dating.

I believe that passion should be there in the beginning. You should want to be with that person and feel excited about seeing him/her. But passion doesn't last. It can burn slowly underneath everything, but those flames aren't going to rage on indefinitely. It's pretty much impossible. If you only have passion, you only have lust ... and then you're just fuck buddies.

Stability is what I think most of us want — even if some people don't want to admit it. Stability is that "comfortable" feeling so many people have felt is not good enough. But why? Without stability, you're always left wondering, trying to figure out what's going on. Why not be comfortable with that person you've chosen? I want to be so comfortable that I can share my innermost thoughts and feelings with my partner and know that he will love me no matter what. Stability is the basis of unconditional love. It's what keeps us together. Sure, passion is great, and I'm happy to work on keeping it alive, but I won't leave a partner the moment the flames of passion start to diminish. That's just silly.

Next time, though, I will work to maintain that passion at the beginning until stability is formed. Having sex before stability is established is a surefire way to end things before they have a chance to get started.

Just Looking, Thanks

The other night, I went to a monthly atheists Meetup. I was under the weather, as I have been for the past few days, and was just looking forward to getting out of the house and seeing a few friends. Surprisingly, I also saw some good-looking men there, which — let me tell you — is a rarity for me to find at one of these events. Usually, when I spot even one looker out in the world, my mind is off and running about the possibilities, but this time, I noticed and that was it.

Maybe it's because I've only been single for about a month and a half. Maybe I'm just not focused on the men around me. Whatever the reason, I don't find myself much interested in men at the moment. In fact, one of the men who showed up at the gathering was someone who had contacted me through Meetup to get together, and I've not thought of him as more than an activity partner throughout our conversations. Being in a relationship just isn't on my radar at the moment.

So I guess this is a good thing. My son is out of town for a couple of weeks, and I am excited to do a lot of working, a lot of TV and movie watching, and hiking and getting back to a regular gym routine (damn vacations!). I'm not at all interested in dating anyone at this point. But that doesn't mean I can't look....

Surprisingly, No Longings

Yesterday, my son and I returned from a week-long vacation at Walt Disney World. It was his first trip to Florida and the bigger of the two US Disney parks and the first time I'd been there in more than a decade. It was just he and I, and it rained nearly every day. But we didn't let that get us down. We pulled out the umbrella and kept soldiering on. The people watching (especially with the added stressor of bad weather) was fantastic. I saw good parenting, not good parenting, a lot of really large people, and a couple of amazing mullets. What a trip!

The last time I was at WDW, it was with the first "love of my life," and I was sick as a dog (found out while there that I was pregnant). I still have some good memories of that vacation and still harbor feelings for that man, although we haven't spoken in 12 years. In addition to that, it was only a month ago that DW ended our relationship. Going to not only a family-friendly destination but one where many lovebirds find themselves, I was thinking I would feel a bunch of romantic longings while there, either for Love #1 or DW. As it turns out, I longed for neither of them.

Instead of spending my time in the "happiest place on earth" thinking about lost loves, I thought about my true love, my son. We had excellent quality time together, we drove each other crazy, and we played — just as children and parents should. Sure, it might have been fun to have a great man with us (and possibly his children), but nothing felt like it was missing during this vacation.

Because there were only two of us in WDW, we found places to sit at restaurants easier, we were able to have more room in the rides, and we maneuvered through the crowds easily. We huddled under our umbrella and didn't have as many personalities and wants to take care of. It was easy and carefree.

Even as I return to the "real world," I don't find myself longing for these men — or any men, for that matter. I am reenergized about work, I am excited about the summer, and I am happy. A friend texted me today to ask if I was having any luck finding someone or if there was any hope of rekindling anything with DW. I answered that I'm not looking, and I am over DW. That ship has sailed, and I am very happy right now sitting on the harbor with my son, watching the other ships take off.

At a Loss for Words

It seems I have a few readers of this blog — some of whom I didn't expect to be reading. Yesterday, I received a random email from DW (yes, my ex) regarding this blog and, specifically, the last one I wrote about him unfollowing me on social media. If I'd had water in my mouth when I saw it in my inbox, I'm positive I would have done a spittake.

I recently read an e-book about getting in, staying in, and possibly revitalizing a love relationship, yet nothing in there gave me any clue as to how to respond to this unexpected message. Really, there wasn't anything to which I need to respond ... so I didn't. I even posted on Facebook to ask for feedback, but no one had anything helpful to share there either. Funny that most of my friends expressed anger at DW for breaking up with what they see to be a wonderful woman for, well, pretty poor reasons, and they didn't feel he deserves any response.

It's rare, though, that I don't say anything back to someone who speaks to me. My ex-husband (whom I pretty much despise at this point) can incite a cursing war via text because of his idiocy. Exes from the far past have reached out to apologize (as part of their 12 steps, usually; I attract the winners!), and I have always responded. But this time, I'm left speechless. What do I say when this person's words confuse me at every turn? Here's a great example: He said he cut connections on social media because "it was too hard to see your face and hear your words. I needed to get you off my feeds so I could move on." Yet he's reading my blog?! How does that make any sense? Yet further proof that I have no clue how people act or what they are thinking.

So on to other things that inspire much more happiness and make way more sense. In just two days, my son and I are headed to Walt Disney World for a week. One of my friends will also be there with his daughter, so we hope to get together at some point for the kids to play and us to catch up. This is Patrick's first visit to WDW after many to Disneyland, and he's super excited as well. It will be wonderful to let go of work and worries for six days and just enjoy the happiest place on earth. 

And I Really Don't Understand Anything Anymore

The other day, a (married) male friend of mine was at my house on a business call, and after talking for about an hour about life, love, and outlooks on the world (as we always do when we're together), I got the distinct feeling he was going to kiss me. I have learned to pay attention to this Spidey Sense, but the taking action part is what I missed because, shortly thereafter, he kissed me. It wasn't the "I'm Italian and kiss everyone on the lips" kiss I've gotten from some male friends; this was a kiss with intention. I struggled to keep my mouth closed, and I pulled away quickly, doing my best to laugh it off.

Then, today, I wandered around social media and saw that DW, my last relationship of three months, had stopped following me and my business on Twitter and Facebook. That whole situation confuses the hell out of me. "I love you" on Friday, "I'm not sure" on Sunday, "Let's break up" the following Saturday, unfriending me on Facebook a week later, and now, within a month, he's completely MIA. How does someone go from hot to ice cold in so short a time period?

These two incidents have shown me that I honestly have no fucking clue what's going on in the world. I think I'm pretty true to myself, I like who I am, and I am careful not to lead people on or be dishonest, yet a married, older man kissed me and a man who professed his love disappeared. I am left saying my new catchphrase, "Hubba-wha?!"

In speaking to my business coach this week, his suggestion was to really observe — both myself and others. According to him, I sent all kinds of signals to the kisser that I was interested, from inviting him into my house (even if for business) to talking about everything I know he discusses with everyone else we know. Likewise, I'm sure I was the culprit for creating the end to the relationship in which I was truly interested with DW.

I'm confused. I don't know what people are thinking — or why, for that matter — and I have zero clue as to their perceptions of me. I've been told that presenting as vulnerable and tender are the way to attract a man, yet he also wants a woman who is confident and assertive. How can I be both?

At this point, I'm ready to give up on the whole interpersonal relationship thing. It's way too fucking complicated.

Square Pegs and Round Holes

In the '80s, our Freaks and Geeks was a little-watched show called Square Pegs. It showcased Sarah Jessica Parker (way before Sex and the City) and was all about the trials and tribulations of being out of the norm in high school in the '80s. Possibly the most memorable parts of the show were the theme song, sung by the Waitresses, and Muffy Tepperman, Jami Gertz's character. Every time someone talks about square pegs, I think of this show and that theme.

Recently, DW said that we were trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole... this as he was ending our three-month relationship. It came out of left field for me since on a Friday night he was loving me and all happy, yet by Sunday evening he was done. The reason I received was that we had "misaligned passions," meaning that he felt I was completely in love with him while he wasn't there (although he did love me). He also acknowledged he's not quite over his marriage, which I already suspected.

Now, this isn't about DW as much as it's about me. I can't control what someone else thinks or feels anymore than I can control the weather. He had his own reasons for making the break, and I'm not going to question them. What I can do, though, is question myself and how I show up in relationships.

As I shared with DW, this isn't the first time I've felt as if the other person was telling me I was pushing. It happened when I dated the one other man since my divorce. At about two months, he said he felt as if I was pushing for a direction. I actually suggested to DW we call a Mulligan and start over—which he classified as a "bold suggestion" but ultimately vetoed. Hey, it could have been a good learning experience for both of us! :-)

I've been reading an interesting book about how to woo a man, and one of the key components is to not talk about emotions too soon and to give the guy a lot of space. While they certainly do have emotions, apparently many men are freaked out about talking about them too soon. And here I waltz in with my "I've been single way too long" feelings, tossing around emotions as if they're newspapers heading to the recycling bin.

The truth: I wasn't in love with DW. I loved him, yes, but I was working way too hard in that relationship. I was giving entirely too much, and I was already getting tired of it when he did his 180º turn. I want to have a man do wonderful things for me too! I think a great relationship is a two-way street, and each participant should give as good as he or she gets. When the balance was off with DW, it certainly did feel as if I'd grabbed a big hammer and was frantically trying to pound that square peg into a very round hole.

So I'm single again. I've learned that I tend to go way too fast and am highly intense and passionate, as well as reactive. I know that I am apt to latch onto a man because he's attractive, decent, and pays attention to me, whether we're a good fit or not. I need to focus on slowing down and enjoying the ride more than trying to figure out where we're going. It's a hard task for me, but I'm positive it will pay off in the end.

For now, though, I'm not looking. I went back online for a week, reached the end of the eligible men on OK Cupid, and closed up my account. I have too many irons in the fire right now, and I need to deal with those before I jump into anything new. It's always good to regroup after a relationship anyway, right?

Doing the Limbo

As I've probably mentioned before in this blog, I am an ENTJ on the MBTI Personality Type. That last axis, J, is what causes me the most issues, especially in relationships with P's, the other type. J stands for judging, and it means that I like things to have a finite direction or ending. I don't like to be left hanging. P, on the other hand, stands for perceiving, and those folks are okay with letting things roll out in any direction they want to go.

Perhaps it's a lesson I am supposed to learn that I keep partnering with P's. These men have been go-with-the-flow types, not terribly focused on what's next. In short, this drives me CRAZY. I'm left wondering and trying to figure out what's up, which sends me right to the T of the equation, or thinking. Many of my P partners are F in that category, or feeling. T and J tend to fit well together, just as F and P do; often, you'll find more thoughtful, caring folks with that latter MBTI reading.

Lately, I have been in quite the limbo, and my J is SCREAMING at me. I'm actually not even sure if I am still in a relationship or am single at this point; that's how open ended my life has become. While part of me (that pesky J part) wants to pick up the phone and pointedly ask, "What the hell?!" I know full well that the P in the other person wouldn't take kindly to that kind of "attack." So I remain in limbo.

While all of these thoughts are stirring in my head, and I'm unsure if I'm half of a couple or just a single, I am reading Capture His Heart, an ebook series that serendipitously showed up as a suggested post in my Facebook feed. While much of what I've read so far could be chalked up to common sense, none of it is very natural to me.

To capture a man (which sounds like some kind of awful ploy, but it's really not based on trickery), the basic rules of relationships apply: be confident, be sexy, focus on him, draw him out with great questions, treat yourself well, build him up with admiration and appreciation. Like I said, they're all pretty basic. I'm eager to get to the section about the seven massive mistakes to avoid at all costs, but the ebook is laid out in such a way that only a section or two is available each day—and this section doesn't open for two more days. I'm sure I've covered all of them numerous times, so I'm ready to beat myself up about that one!

I guess, so far, the hardest part for me to remember in all of this is the "it's all about me" component. Being a bit narcissistic myself, I am there, but I forget that others view the world from the same lens. When I post something on Facebook or in this blog, it IS all about me; it's not about any other person (unless it's about MY feelings regarding that person). I post generic things all the time on my Facebook feed—with no intended hidden meanings or targeted recipient—and still everyone else draws a conclusion about what I mean. I've called myself high maintenance, highly sexual, intense, and even reactive...but I'm only talking about myself. Such posts often result in texts and messages from well-meaning friends to ask if I'm okay in my relationship or life. They're extrapolating, but they're often incorrect in the direction they take. There's a reason I'm vague in some of my posts: I don't want to give up too much and I'm really just sharing my feelings.

Right now, I'm sharing that I'm in limbo. I'm not crying, upset, or hurt. I don't need a call to make sure I'm okay (if I do, I will reach out). Limbo naturally leads me to a confused state since I like neatly folded conclusions that are wrapped with a bow. But I guess life isn't like that. I'm learning, and that's the best I can do.

The Balance of Power

"Perception is everything"—and often it is completely off kilter when it comes to interpersonal communications. One person usually feels as if he or she is giving much more than he or she is receiving, which leads to hurt feelings, different perceptions, and, ultimately, a harmful breakdown of communication. We've all seen it, whether in our personal relationships or on our favorite TV show or movie. This imbalance of power, if you will, may be all in one person's mind, but it is the beginning of a downward spiral.

In my first marriage, I gave and gave. I shared thoughtful little gifts, including cards and even a candy bar I picked up at the store while getting groceries. Unfortunately, from my point of view, my kindness wasn't as appreciated as I would have liked, and it certainly wasn't reciprocated. I felt drained with all of my giving.

In my next major relationship, he gave much more than I did. I had been burned by giving and not receiving, so I cut way back (which, of course, wasn't fair to this partner). He gave so much that I felt smothered. He gave of his time, he gave gifts, and I appreciated so little of it. He questioned my love for him.

With my second husband, I think we both gave a lot at the beginning, and then neither of us gave much of ourselves anymore after our son was born. We were so busy giving to him that there was precious little left to share with each other. I wanted him to give more, while he felt unappreciated for all he felt he was giving to the relationship. Perception was off and neither of us talked about it.

Since that marriage ended, I have taken a bird's-eye view of how relationships work and seriously evaluated my part in them, both past and present. I read The Five Love Languages. I watched Fireproof. But emotions are emotions: no matter how much we attempt to train them, they're going to go their own way. We are going to jump to conclusions that, oftentimes, are incorrect.

This is a good time to share with you my view on women's emotions and relationships. I think that women are natural givers; we have so much we want to share with the world, and we just emanate love. Much like the lost little baby in the book Are You My Mommy?, we wander around looking for an outlet for those emotions. "Can I love you?" "How about you?" "Are you the one?" Then we find the person who feels like he is worthy of our affection and we give it! We share our emotions so readily that the man feels as if he's been slapped upside the head with them. His perception may be that the woman is a bit needy and codependent; our perception may be that he is standoffish and fearful of commitment. And if we don't talk about these feelings (which it seems that most people don't), we're likely to again have an imbalance of power and skewed perceptions.

Being in a relationship is a bit like dancing. One person leads and the other follows, yet unlike on the dance floor, the person who leads can be either the man or woman, and it may shift throughout their time together. I guess I'm still unsure when I should lead and when I should follow, and when I do follow, I feel out of control and am guessing. In effect, my perception is that my partner doesn't care about me as much as I care about him. It's frustrating, but when I take the lead, I then feel as if I'm pushing too hard.

Honestly, I'm not sure that I have a point with my post. Perhaps it's more a stream of consciousness to get some things off my chest. Suffice it to say that I am learning every single day, and although I think and feel profoundly, it takes two people to create a winning relationship. Maybe I need to learn how to dance.

Dating or a Relationship?

I'm the first to admit that I'm not good at dating. I'm really good at being in a relationship, but that dating thing eludes me. It might be one of the reasons I've not "dated" many people; I have, however, been in a good number of relationships. This realization hit me the other day while looking at my "dating relationship" I'm in with DW.

In the first two months, I am immersed. I tell myself I am in love before I truly do love the other person, and I want to be with him constantly, almost like a parched person looking to him for water. This has one of two effects: (1) We build a codependent relationship and are both as immersed, or (2) I completely scare the crap out of him. Either way—although the first option may feel like a win—I'm setting myself up for disaster.

What I've discovered is that, if the man and I don't move in together immediately and are forced to take more time, I balance out around the third month. And surprisingly, the other person gets more into the relationship at that point. Case in point with DW: This week marks the third month we've been dating, and although I certainly want to talk to him, see him, and be with him, it's not out of a sense of urgent insecurity. DW, on the other hand, is calling and texting me more than during the first two months (when I felt like I had to ration out how often I communicated with him). Of course, this could also be because we've not had a weekend together for two weeks and have only seen each other once during that time, but I think it's more about how long we've been dating; we've had long breaks from each other in the past and they were different.

In the past, I've moved very quickly into a relationship, but since nothing ever lasted, that apparently wasn't the way to do it. With DW, circumstances have forced me to take more time, and thankfully, he has told me when I've made it feel like we're rushing and he's been freaked out. Yes, I'm certainly in a relationship now, but we have the added benefit of dating, which is really nice. There's no pressure to do anything other than be together and enjoy each other's company.

Of course, I'm still spaghetti to DW's waffle, and I want to include him in other aspects of my life. But he declines most of the time, in lieu of spending one-on-one time. I guess it's about time I learn to date and remain calm about the whole process. It's nice to allow it to unfold naturally.

Respect the Waffle

Recently, DW and I had a "discussion" about boundaries. Apparently, I have very few, and he has many. For me, I certainly have various components of my life, but they all meld together pretty well. For DW, however, he has everything compartmentalized: work, kids, alone time, me. Very rarely do those compartments of his life intersect.

So in I come with plans to go do things with the boys, looking ahead to the future so far that I've discussed us living together...and DW thinks I'm rushing, scared that all I'm after is a husband as soon a possible. Naturally, he got a little freaked out about the idea of his compartmentalized life coming together, especially when he feels like he has little say in the matter.

It seems this is a man's way of looking at the world. In speaking later to a male and female friend, it was described to me thusly: Women organize their life like spaghetti; everything is grouped together and blends well. Men, on the other hand, organize their life like a waffle, keeping everything separated. As the guy friend said, "Respect the waffle!"

It may go back to the fact that men seem more reluctant to change than women, so perhaps that's a reason behind the compartmentalizing. When they separate out parts of their lives, they have more control of things, keeping them the same longer if they remain in their own unique buckets. Women are natural multitaskers, going in and out of ideas and activities almost seamlessly, hence the spaghetti idea.

The end result of this conversation with DW, and the one that followed with my other friends, was that I am respecting the waffle. When I talk to DW about future plans or integrating things, I am better able to explain myself in a way that acknowledges his need for separation yet explains my spaghetti approach. And at the end of the day, it's that ability to communicate that makes all the difference in a relationship.

I Love You

"I love you" is a phrase that loses neither strength nor significance, no matter how often you say it. My son and I must say it to each other at least two times an hour—and yet it always means just as much. This morning, I was remembering the first time he said it to me and how amazing that felt. We were in a store, with him sitting in the basket while I was pushing it. I tend to say "I love you" a lot—especially to him—so I said it for no reason at all. And he answered. My heart soared! This little boy (probably around two at the time) had never told me he loved me, yet here he was, saying, "I love you too."

There is power in those three little words, and they should not be shared lightly. Too often, people just throw out words of love, which they've really confused with lust. Or they say them because they feel obligated due to the nature of the relationship or the fact that the other person said them first.

I think that we all have the capacity to love many people at many different levels. We love our children differently than we love our parents. Our friends hold a different place in our hearts than our partners. But we don't tend to say "I love you" as often as we should to our friends, while we say it often to our partners and children. Why is that? Don't we all enjoy hearing how others feel about us?

I am proud of the fact that my son shares those words with me freely and often. I think it will set him up with confidence to open himself to others emotionally. He has a big heart, and we talk a lot about how we can hold many people in our hearts, especially as I grow closer to DW and his boys.

And of course, I love hearing "I love you" regularly. What a way to go through the day!

What Goes Around...

It's funny how we tend to repeat episodes of our lives, seemingly in an effort to get it right the next time. How many people have you dated who are just like the one you just ran screaming from? If you believe in reincarnation, you may think that we are doomed to do this repetitive dance each lifetime, always on a quest for perfection.

I am keenly aware of how I have repeated episodes of my life events, seeking some kind of resolution that will be better than the last try. I married the same type of man twice, both of whom had some similarities to my father. Talk about Daddy issues! Now, though, I am seeing my childhood repeat itself in some interesting ways that allow me the opportunity to put those hurt feelings to rest and let that little girl have some peace.

My mother and father divorced when I was 10, and my mom was a struggling single mom. By the time I was 37, I was in the same boat. I have persevered and moved through that bitterness of being a solo parent now (nearly five years later) and am starting to have something that resembles a co-parenting relationship with my son's father. Progress!

Now, I find myself falling for a single dad with two little boys. This mirrors my childhood since, after my parents divorced, I initially lived with my father for two years. He immediately married a woman with two daughters, putting me in the middle of this new family. I was a real-life Cinderella there, truly unhappy and unheard by my father. My son would be in the middle of DW's kids, making him the red-headed stepchild. Ironic, no?

I think the big difference here is that women tend to set the tone of a household. My stepmother naturally favored her girls and didn't much care for me. While I will naturally favor Patrick, I know that I have plenty of room in my heart for DW's boys. I am on intimate terms with the details of my life, and with a better lens, the knowledge that comes with experience, and a degree in child development, I am confident history will not repeat itself in this instance. I am focused on making this work and being a loving mom to Patrick as well as to DW's two sons. I know now that it is possible to acquire my own happiness while not giving the kids the short end of the stick. If our relationship progresses, we will be great together as a blended family and everyone will feel loved and appreciated.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing expecting different results, but when one is aware of what one is doing, the whole story is open to change.

A Little Poetry

I got inspired this morning and jotted down this little poem. I haven't written a poem in I don't know how long! (And by the way, even though this ends with the "L" word, I'm not quite there yet—even if I'm falling in that direction. It's just the word that worked best.)

I Want You

From the moment I wake up

Until the second I drift off to sleep,

I want you.

I want you on me,

Next to me,

Inside me.

I want to kiss you,

Hug you,

Please you.

I want to feel you,

Smell you,

Taste you.

You overtake my thoughts,

Occupy my heart,

And radiate in my smile.

From the moment I wake up

Until the second I drift off to sleep,

I love you.

The Softer Side of Alpha

To all of those folks who told me I really didn't need a dominant alpha male as a partner...

You may have been right. Well, partially.

This weekend, I had another date with DW, and he is a perfect partner for me. He is not a D on the DISC assessment, so not a hard-nosed, dominant alpha (which is what I had been looking for during my 4.5 years of singledom). Instead, he is an I-S and an INFP. He is outgoing, caring, sweet, and confident. That's the clincher: he is confident and truly an alpha, but he is one of the softer variety.

During the short time that we've known each other, I have seen how this man takes care of things. He made plans for our last date, did not ask any silly questions that scream of a lack of self-assuredness, and made me feel completely safe in is company. THAT is what an alpha is; if you look at a lion's pride, the alpha there is a quiet leader who only shows his strength when needed (just re-watch The Lion King). I've met a few men who are very much like this (and D's on the DISC), but I've discovered that too many of those men are so independent and don't mesh well with another D (me).

DW is strong and gentle, a combination I've not found in my life. It's disarming and greatly welcome. It helps that he's attractive, fit, an involved father to his two boys, and knows all kinds of pop-culture references. That's what got me initially interested, but the self-confidence is what will keep me around. That and the way he looks at me.

Yep, I'm smitten.

Standing in My Power

This morning, I attended a women's networking event, and the presenter was talking about Achieve Mastery, a self-improvement program similar to all the other ones with which you're likely familiar. While listening to her teary-eyed speech about the effect this program had on her life—followed by three or four other people with similar stories—I realized...I'm there. I may not have yet increased my income five-fold, as one other person did, but I'm there. I've successfully changed the lens through which I view the world and am "standing in my power," as they say.

Was it Landmark? The Secret? Wayne Dyer? Private coaching? Whatever it was that finally got me off my ass and into the right gear is a welcome change. I'm not afraid anymore; I'm not taking things personally; I know that I am powerful and am making things happen.

I used to be doing okay, and then my schedule shifted when my son started kindergarten in 2011. I didn't have the time to network as I had, so my pipeline dried up. I harbored anger at my ex-husband about anything and everything, and I saw the effects in my business. I took a part-time job. Then I switched that with another one. I was lacking momentum and my work suffered. I was seeing nothing in the world of dating or men, and I was angry about that too.

Maybe it was the turn into 2013 that did it, but I recently declared, "No more." I continue to work on the goals I have for myself, and I now have a plan of attack to achieve them. I am not overwhelmed by creating possibilities for my life. I currently have three contract employees on my team, fulfilling my desire to add at least one by the end of 2012 (two of the three started in November). And today I did something I have never done: I got on the phone and called people who've not responded to my emails to keep moving on our projects.

Honestly, most of this happened within the last month or so, and I am pulling out all the stops. I am running promotions for my business and put an ad on Craig's List. I upped my social media presence for my brand and asked for help from friends (who have rallied because they're awesome). I got back on an online dating site and increased my social outings, choosing to look at a room for "yes" and "maybe" men as opposed to only seeing the "no" guys. I changed my inner voices to be powerful. I re-prioritized and found that I can go to one more networking event each week without cutting back the time I spend with my son.

Sure, it may sound a little crazy, but I truly am standing in my power. I am confident in what I'm doing, and I don't care if people laugh or disagree with me. It feels good to be successful, and I know that 2013 is bringing only the best things into my life. There's a reason I have a Wonder Woman tattoo, dammit. :-)