The Balance of Power

"Perception is everything"—and often it is completely off kilter when it comes to interpersonal communications. One person usually feels as if he or she is giving much more than he or she is receiving, which leads to hurt feelings, different perceptions, and, ultimately, a harmful breakdown of communication. We've all seen it, whether in our personal relationships or on our favorite TV show or movie. This imbalance of power, if you will, may be all in one person's mind, but it is the beginning of a downward spiral.

In my first marriage, I gave and gave. I shared thoughtful little gifts, including cards and even a candy bar I picked up at the store while getting groceries. Unfortunately, from my point of view, my kindness wasn't as appreciated as I would have liked, and it certainly wasn't reciprocated. I felt drained with all of my giving.

In my next major relationship, he gave much more than I did. I had been burned by giving and not receiving, so I cut way back (which, of course, wasn't fair to this partner). He gave so much that I felt smothered. He gave of his time, he gave gifts, and I appreciated so little of it. He questioned my love for him.

With my second husband, I think we both gave a lot at the beginning, and then neither of us gave much of ourselves anymore after our son was born. We were so busy giving to him that there was precious little left to share with each other. I wanted him to give more, while he felt unappreciated for all he felt he was giving to the relationship. Perception was off and neither of us talked about it.

Since that marriage ended, I have taken a bird's-eye view of how relationships work and seriously evaluated my part in them, both past and present. I read The Five Love Languages. I watched Fireproof. But emotions are emotions: no matter how much we attempt to train them, they're going to go their own way. We are going to jump to conclusions that, oftentimes, are incorrect.

This is a good time to share with you my view on women's emotions and relationships. I think that women are natural givers; we have so much we want to share with the world, and we just emanate love. Much like the lost little baby in the book Are You My Mommy?, we wander around looking for an outlet for those emotions. "Can I love you?" "How about you?" "Are you the one?" Then we find the person who feels like he is worthy of our affection and we give it! We share our emotions so readily that the man feels as if he's been slapped upside the head with them. His perception may be that the woman is a bit needy and codependent; our perception may be that he is standoffish and fearful of commitment. And if we don't talk about these feelings (which it seems that most people don't), we're likely to again have an imbalance of power and skewed perceptions.

Being in a relationship is a bit like dancing. One person leads and the other follows, yet unlike on the dance floor, the person who leads can be either the man or woman, and it may shift throughout their time together. I guess I'm still unsure when I should lead and when I should follow, and when I do follow, I feel out of control and am guessing. In effect, my perception is that my partner doesn't care about me as much as I care about him. It's frustrating, but when I take the lead, I then feel as if I'm pushing too hard.

Honestly, I'm not sure that I have a point with my post. Perhaps it's more a stream of consciousness to get some things off my chest. Suffice it to say that I am learning every single day, and although I think and feel profoundly, it takes two people to create a winning relationship. Maybe I need to learn how to dance.

Dating or a Relationship?

I'm the first to admit that I'm not good at dating. I'm really good at being in a relationship, but that dating thing eludes me. It might be one of the reasons I've not "dated" many people; I have, however, been in a good number of relationships. This realization hit me the other day while looking at my "dating relationship" I'm in with DW.

In the first two months, I am immersed. I tell myself I am in love before I truly do love the other person, and I want to be with him constantly, almost like a parched person looking to him for water. This has one of two effects: (1) We build a codependent relationship and are both as immersed, or (2) I completely scare the crap out of him. Either way—although the first option may feel like a win—I'm setting myself up for disaster.

What I've discovered is that, if the man and I don't move in together immediately and are forced to take more time, I balance out around the third month. And surprisingly, the other person gets more into the relationship at that point. Case in point with DW: This week marks the third month we've been dating, and although I certainly want to talk to him, see him, and be with him, it's not out of a sense of urgent insecurity. DW, on the other hand, is calling and texting me more than during the first two months (when I felt like I had to ration out how often I communicated with him). Of course, this could also be because we've not had a weekend together for two weeks and have only seen each other once during that time, but I think it's more about how long we've been dating; we've had long breaks from each other in the past and they were different.

In the past, I've moved very quickly into a relationship, but since nothing ever lasted, that apparently wasn't the way to do it. With DW, circumstances have forced me to take more time, and thankfully, he has told me when I've made it feel like we're rushing and he's been freaked out. Yes, I'm certainly in a relationship now, but we have the added benefit of dating, which is really nice. There's no pressure to do anything other than be together and enjoy each other's company.

Of course, I'm still spaghetti to DW's waffle, and I want to include him in other aspects of my life. But he declines most of the time, in lieu of spending one-on-one time. I guess it's about time I learn to date and remain calm about the whole process. It's nice to allow it to unfold naturally.

Respect the Waffle

Recently, DW and I had a "discussion" about boundaries. Apparently, I have very few, and he has many. For me, I certainly have various components of my life, but they all meld together pretty well. For DW, however, he has everything compartmentalized: work, kids, alone time, me. Very rarely do those compartments of his life intersect.

So in I come with plans to go do things with the boys, looking ahead to the future so far that I've discussed us living together...and DW thinks I'm rushing, scared that all I'm after is a husband as soon a possible. Naturally, he got a little freaked out about the idea of his compartmentalized life coming together, especially when he feels like he has little say in the matter.

It seems this is a man's way of looking at the world. In speaking later to a male and female friend, it was described to me thusly: Women organize their life like spaghetti; everything is grouped together and blends well. Men, on the other hand, organize their life like a waffle, keeping everything separated. As the guy friend said, "Respect the waffle!"

It may go back to the fact that men seem more reluctant to change than women, so perhaps that's a reason behind the compartmentalizing. When they separate out parts of their lives, they have more control of things, keeping them the same longer if they remain in their own unique buckets. Women are natural multitaskers, going in and out of ideas and activities almost seamlessly, hence the spaghetti idea.

The end result of this conversation with DW, and the one that followed with my other friends, was that I am respecting the waffle. When I talk to DW about future plans or integrating things, I am better able to explain myself in a way that acknowledges his need for separation yet explains my spaghetti approach. And at the end of the day, it's that ability to communicate that makes all the difference in a relationship.

I Love You

"I love you" is a phrase that loses neither strength nor significance, no matter how often you say it. My son and I must say it to each other at least two times an hour—and yet it always means just as much. This morning, I was remembering the first time he said it to me and how amazing that felt. We were in a store, with him sitting in the basket while I was pushing it. I tend to say "I love you" a lot—especially to him—so I said it for no reason at all. And he answered. My heart soared! This little boy (probably around two at the time) had never told me he loved me, yet here he was, saying, "I love you too."

There is power in those three little words, and they should not be shared lightly. Too often, people just throw out words of love, which they've really confused with lust. Or they say them because they feel obligated due to the nature of the relationship or the fact that the other person said them first.

I think that we all have the capacity to love many people at many different levels. We love our children differently than we love our parents. Our friends hold a different place in our hearts than our partners. But we don't tend to say "I love you" as often as we should to our friends, while we say it often to our partners and children. Why is that? Don't we all enjoy hearing how others feel about us?

I am proud of the fact that my son shares those words with me freely and often. I think it will set him up with confidence to open himself to others emotionally. He has a big heart, and we talk a lot about how we can hold many people in our hearts, especially as I grow closer to DW and his boys.

And of course, I love hearing "I love you" regularly. What a way to go through the day!

What Goes Around...

It's funny how we tend to repeat episodes of our lives, seemingly in an effort to get it right the next time. How many people have you dated who are just like the one you just ran screaming from? If you believe in reincarnation, you may think that we are doomed to do this repetitive dance each lifetime, always on a quest for perfection.

I am keenly aware of how I have repeated episodes of my life events, seeking some kind of resolution that will be better than the last try. I married the same type of man twice, both of whom had some similarities to my father. Talk about Daddy issues! Now, though, I am seeing my childhood repeat itself in some interesting ways that allow me the opportunity to put those hurt feelings to rest and let that little girl have some peace.

My mother and father divorced when I was 10, and my mom was a struggling single mom. By the time I was 37, I was in the same boat. I have persevered and moved through that bitterness of being a solo parent now (nearly five years later) and am starting to have something that resembles a co-parenting relationship with my son's father. Progress!

Now, I find myself falling for a single dad with two little boys. This mirrors my childhood since, after my parents divorced, I initially lived with my father for two years. He immediately married a woman with two daughters, putting me in the middle of this new family. I was a real-life Cinderella there, truly unhappy and unheard by my father. My son would be in the middle of DW's kids, making him the red-headed stepchild. Ironic, no?

I think the big difference here is that women tend to set the tone of a household. My stepmother naturally favored her girls and didn't much care for me. While I will naturally favor Patrick, I know that I have plenty of room in my heart for DW's boys. I am on intimate terms with the details of my life, and with a better lens, the knowledge that comes with experience, and a degree in child development, I am confident history will not repeat itself in this instance. I am focused on making this work and being a loving mom to Patrick as well as to DW's two sons. I know now that it is possible to acquire my own happiness while not giving the kids the short end of the stick. If our relationship progresses, we will be great together as a blended family and everyone will feel loved and appreciated.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing expecting different results, but when one is aware of what one is doing, the whole story is open to change.

A Little Poetry

I got inspired this morning and jotted down this little poem. I haven't written a poem in I don't know how long! (And by the way, even though this ends with the "L" word, I'm not quite there yet—even if I'm falling in that direction. It's just the word that worked best.)

I Want You

From the moment I wake up

Until the second I drift off to sleep,

I want you.

I want you on me,

Next to me,

Inside me.

I want to kiss you,

Hug you,

Please you.

I want to feel you,

Smell you,

Taste you.

You overtake my thoughts,

Occupy my heart,

And radiate in my smile.

From the moment I wake up

Until the second I drift off to sleep,

I love you.

The Softer Side of Alpha

To all of those folks who told me I really didn't need a dominant alpha male as a partner...

You may have been right. Well, partially.

This weekend, I had another date with DW, and he is a perfect partner for me. He is not a D on the DISC assessment, so not a hard-nosed, dominant alpha (which is what I had been looking for during my 4.5 years of singledom). Instead, he is an I-S and an INFP. He is outgoing, caring, sweet, and confident. That's the clincher: he is confident and truly an alpha, but he is one of the softer variety.

During the short time that we've known each other, I have seen how this man takes care of things. He made plans for our last date, did not ask any silly questions that scream of a lack of self-assuredness, and made me feel completely safe in is company. THAT is what an alpha is; if you look at a lion's pride, the alpha there is a quiet leader who only shows his strength when needed (just re-watch The Lion King). I've met a few men who are very much like this (and D's on the DISC), but I've discovered that too many of those men are so independent and don't mesh well with another D (me).

DW is strong and gentle, a combination I've not found in my life. It's disarming and greatly welcome. It helps that he's attractive, fit, an involved father to his two boys, and knows all kinds of pop-culture references. That's what got me initially interested, but the self-confidence is what will keep me around. That and the way he looks at me.

Yep, I'm smitten.