Hindsight Leads to Second Guessing

We've all heard that hindsight is 20/20, but I call bullshit on that one. I know that we use the past as a tool from which to measure the present, but our viewpoint of our experiences is definitely clouded. When we're lonely, that not-so-great relationship seems not so bad; when we fall for a new person, we weigh him or her against those we've loved before. And all of this leads to second guessing what's going on now and what may transpire in the future. Frankly, it's exhausting.

But it's human nature.

I do it, and I see that the man I'm dating is doing it as well. We catch ourselves and avoid putting it all out there for each other to see. While our eyes clearly indicate that we love each other, and our desire to spend time together is evidence that we're looking to build something, neither of us has fully copped to it. Why is that? Well, I can't speak for him, but for me, I know it's about fear.

When I look back at my life, I can see that while I have loved many times, I was only truly in love twice. And since I'm with neither of those men, you can guess they ended—badly; with massive heartbreak. I'm not eager to repeat that feeling of utter loss and sadness. I am, however, very interested in creating something amazing that is long lasting and feeds my heart and soul. So how do I get one without moving into the other?

The other night, just as we were drifting off to sleep, this wonderful man whispered, "I love you." He was sleeping, so his subconscious shared with me how he feels, and since he's read these blogs, he knows how I feel, yet we hold back saying it directly. Hindsight? Second guessing? It's probably a bit of both.

I bring a lot more into this relationship than he does. I have a child, a dog, and a cat. I represent a COMMITMENT—yes, in big capital letters. That's freaky for even the best man to accept, especially after only a month of dating. I respect his desire to hold back a bit because of all of that. If I were in his shoes, I'd be scared too. Hell, I'm not in his shoes and I'm scared!

Ironically, many posts have been coming up in my Facebook feed lately about relationships. They say that a good relationship needn't be hard; instead, it should feel comfortable. They suggest that "the one" is the person with whom you can be 100% yourself and still feel accepted. I have been my crazy uncensored self with this man I love, and I do feel completely accepted. He's told me that I'm not like any woman he's dated, and I think that difference is what has allowed him to be himself with me. We've both let down our guards, and it is glorious.

So while hindsight tells me to be unsure, to second guess, and not to jump, my heart tells me this is the man I'm supposed to be with. This relationship is the happiness I've searched for. I've kissed a lot of frogs in my day, and this man is the prince.

Perspectives and Priorities

What a difference a few years make.

I haven't written regularly in this blog since the last time I was dating someone, more than two years ago. It seems that when I am dating someone, I get more reflective on life in general and have more to say. It's not that I don't think when I'm completely single, but I guess I think more when I have a man in my picture.

So I took some time today and reread the blogs I wrote those years ago. What an interesting perspective to have had then and to have now. Truly. In some ways, I've grown so much, and in some, I'm still learning.

When I read a blog about taking my time with the last man I dated, I had to laugh. Time? We had sex on our second date. That's no time at all. There was no foundation. And since I'm a woman, sex releases those endorphins that make me (and all other females, I guess) feel loving feelings. A house of cards is all you build when it's based on having sex on date two.

Currently, I am dating someone whom I have to say I love. I am not "in love" with him, but I can sense myself falling in that direction. And surprisingly, we did take our time. Although my friends likely assume someone as sexually charged as I am is jumping into bed the moment a handsome man says hello, with this man, we waited three weeks—and we actually knew each other for three months before our first date.

The difference here is that I began to love this man before our clothes came off. He won me over with his old-fashioned chivalry, his genuine interest in me, and his overwhelming kindness. On my list of things I had been seeking in a man, he hits few of what I would have considered the "big" ones. But there's chemistry there, and it's hard to deny. When I think of him, I smile.

What's changed now is that I wasn't looking for this wonderful man. On our first date, I told him what I'd told my business coach at the beginning of the year: Finding a relationship has not been a priority for me. I am extremely happy in my life and haven't felt the need to add anything. However, should a relationship present itself, I wouldn't go running.

Well, that relationship is here.

So far, it's easy, lighthearted, and fun. We're learning to dance. We kiss for hours. We hold hands and laugh together. Back in those old blogs when I was discussing what I wanted in a potential relationship, I was more or less describing what I have now. No pressures, no need to plan what will happen next year, and no urgency to do anything more than spend time together. It's refreshing. He dropped the trump by calling me his girlfriend, and that freaked me out. ME! But instead of overthinking it, I took a deep breath and said to myself, It's okay; enjoy.

And I very much am.

Love Came

Write a list, they said,

of all the traits I wanted in a man.

So the list was made,

and I outlined the perfect plan.

But love didn’t come.

Go out and date, they said.

Eventually I would meet the right guy.

So I posted an online profile

and wished and hoped the sparks would fly.

But love didn’t come.

Frustration set in,

and I threw my list away.

Instead, I concentrated on my life,

living to the fullest each and every day.

My life was full, happy, and fun

as I focused on smiling and being with my son.

But something was missing still.

Then you appeared, the man who didn’t meet my requirements

yet found the place inside of me I had been longing to fill.

Sometimes, when we stop looking,

we find exactly what we desire.

That wonderful man who makes me smile

and fills my heart and soul with a burning fire.

It was then that love came.

Let's Cut to the Chase

I don't like dating. I'm not good at it, and very little about the idea of "trying on" different men does anything for me. Sure, some people enjoy the getting-to-know you stage, the first kisses, the awkwardness ... but I like things to be known, comfortable, and simple. I think this may be part of the reason dating doesn't work too well for me.

Men seem to like the chase. There have been books written on the subject of this dating game and what we're supposed to do when. I, on the other hand, just want to be caught. No chasing required. If I'm interested in a man, I'm his. And I'm loyal. Once I've made up my mind, I'm not looking around any longer. I'm more than happy to take myself off the market. This freaks out men because they feel I'm rushing into something or pushing them.

Although all of us probably have some codependency issues, I honestly believe my desire to skip all of the formalities and just get into a relationship isn't about that. It's about knowing what's next. As I've mentioned before in this blog, I am a high I/D in the DISC assessment: I like to have fun, but I also like to get down to business. And relationships work exactly the same way for me.

So while I enjoy going out and having fun (i.e., dating), I can skip over all of that awkward craziness that happens during the beginning dating stages. I just want to be in a relationship. I'll work to keep it solid and loving once it's established, but can't I just jump there from the get-go? I mean, if we realized pretty soon that it was a fit, let's just "play house" and see where it goes. I'm not going to move in with you tomorrow, but some certainty would make me pretty happy.

Big Thinking

I'm a big thinker. I always have been. I remember being seven or eight and considering my place in the universe and how little and insignificant I was within the bigger picture. Because of the way I thought, I knew that when I had a child, he or she would be a big thinker, even way before my son entered the world. (He is, of course.)

One might think that "thinking" is a good thing, and generally, one would be right. It's good to exercise the brain and think outside the box to realize better solutions. However, sometimes thinking too much is a big hindrance to life — especially when it comes to dating. That's when we start calling it "mental masturbation," and I am quite guilty of doing that.

Lately, I've been thinking about that big question: Do I want to have someone in my life? Although my standard response is no, I think the truth is that "no" encompasses most people. But I'm not looking for most people; I'm only looking for one.

And sure, I love my life the way it is. I am still not eager to change everything to accommodate another person joining me, at least not right at the moment. It will take me some time to be at that place. But recent circumstances have made me wonder if there's a possibility that I could have that partnership in my life. I'll admit that I miss having a strong arm around me or a caring voice to share the day's events. But the time and energy needed to find that are, well, something I'm not willing to spend.

Today on Facebook, this came up in my feed, and it really spoke to me:

This is not the partner I want: the one who isn't available and is unsure how to share his feelings. I want the strong man who doesn't want to play games and can tell me what's in his heart. The question, then, is where are such men? And will thinking this much about a man like that make him appear?

The Thought That Lingers

Recently, the last man I dated has come up in conversation more often than he probably should, given that we only dated three months and it ended back in May. On Friday, I was chatting with a friend who is working on a book about types of men. His take: the ex wasn't ready for a relationship, so that didn't count for the purposes of his discussion. Then tonight, while out to dinner with a friend, he suggested I will likely fall in love with an alpha man who is alpha out of confidence (as opposed to insecurity) and who is educated. My response: "I did. That was the last guy I dated."

The truth is a little scary.

Clarity is a good thing, and I welcome it. My ex-husband and I have been getting along recently, so that weight is off my shoulders. And business is going well, keeping me totally on my toes with much to do, so I'm not worried about that either. So I guess I have time to think about things I really shouldn't be considering — and perhaps finding clarity in the process. To get here, I've had some "help" from these friends who've been asking about the men in my life. Since there aren't any, I naturally go back to the last one.

It's always challenging to look for something when you have a "list" to fulfill, and my friend this evening suggested I have too long a list. But I was able to whittle it down to just three things:
1. Share similar values
2. Be attracted to each other
3. Engage and excite each other

I don't think any of these things are optional, and #3 really encompasses all kinds of things: sexual appetite, education level and intelligence, and sense of humor, to name a few. One would think it might be easy to fulfill a list of three requirements, but it really isn't. In the five years since my ex-husband and I split, I've dated two people with intention — and only one got that close to my heart. Those men that pull on my heart strings aren't readily available in the dating world. They're friends, and I have some wonderful male friends, but ones who engage me, are attractive, and have my values? They're hard to find.

So I linger. And I think about things I have no right to think. *Sigh*

The Million-Dollar Question

Today at a networking event, after a colleague learned that I'm not married and don't have boyfriend, he asked, "Do you want a boyfriend?" I hesitated because I kind of do and kind of don't, but I definitely didn't want that guy in the potential mix. My answer was a definitive no, but it got me thinking: DO I want a man in my life?

In the five years I've been single, I have dated two men, for a total of about five months. I wouldn't call either of them a boyfriend, and they wouldn't even rank on my list of serious relationships. Do I want to walk down that path again and try to find someone to be a partner? The short answer is no, not now.

The truth is that I really like my life. I am getting better and better at balancing time between my son and work, and I get a little time for myself when Patrick is with his dad or at school. My business has been really growing lately, and I am looking forward to much more growth in the coming future because of the focus I've had recently. I am in balance, and I love that feeling.

The benefits of having a man in my life are, of course, many. I would really like to have sex on a regular basis (hey, a girl has needs!), but I've never been one for casual sex, and I don't see myself changing that ... ever. So I would need to have a relationship in order to have sex, and right now, that effort is not worth it for me — regardless of the fact that I'm in my 40s and in my sexual prime.

So the answer to the million-dollar question of whether or not I want a boyfriend is on the back burner for now. I am happy and not looking for anyone. Naturally, my viewpoint is open for change. Ask me next year.

Doing the Limbo

As I've probably mentioned before in this blog, I am an ENTJ on the MBTI Personality Type. That last axis, J, is what causes me the most issues, especially in relationships with P's, the other type. J stands for judging, and it means that I like things to have a finite direction or ending. I don't like to be left hanging. P, on the other hand, stands for perceiving, and those folks are okay with letting things roll out in any direction they want to go.

Perhaps it's a lesson I am supposed to learn that I keep partnering with P's. These men have been go-with-the-flow types, not terribly focused on what's next. In short, this drives me CRAZY. I'm left wondering and trying to figure out what's up, which sends me right to the T of the equation, or thinking. Many of my P partners are F in that category, or feeling. T and J tend to fit well together, just as F and P do; often, you'll find more thoughtful, caring folks with that latter MBTI reading.

Lately, I have been in quite the limbo, and my J is SCREAMING at me. I'm actually not even sure if I am still in a relationship or am single at this point; that's how open ended my life has become. While part of me (that pesky J part) wants to pick up the phone and pointedly ask, "What the hell?!" I know full well that the P in the other person wouldn't take kindly to that kind of "attack." So I remain in limbo.

While all of these thoughts are stirring in my head, and I'm unsure if I'm half of a couple or just a single, I am reading Capture His Heart, an ebook series that serendipitously showed up as a suggested post in my Facebook feed. While much of what I've read so far could be chalked up to common sense, none of it is very natural to me.

To capture a man (which sounds like some kind of awful ploy, but it's really not based on trickery), the basic rules of relationships apply: be confident, be sexy, focus on him, draw him out with great questions, treat yourself well, build him up with admiration and appreciation. Like I said, they're all pretty basic. I'm eager to get to the section about the seven massive mistakes to avoid at all costs, but the ebook is laid out in such a way that only a section or two is available each day—and this section doesn't open for two more days. I'm sure I've covered all of them numerous times, so I'm ready to beat myself up about that one!

I guess, so far, the hardest part for me to remember in all of this is the "it's all about me" component. Being a bit narcissistic myself, I am there, but I forget that others view the world from the same lens. When I post something on Facebook or in this blog, it IS all about me; it's not about any other person (unless it's about MY feelings regarding that person). I post generic things all the time on my Facebook feed—with no intended hidden meanings or targeted recipient—and still everyone else draws a conclusion about what I mean. I've called myself high maintenance, highly sexual, intense, and even reactive...but I'm only talking about myself. Such posts often result in texts and messages from well-meaning friends to ask if I'm okay in my relationship or life. They're extrapolating, but they're often incorrect in the direction they take. There's a reason I'm vague in some of my posts: I don't want to give up too much and I'm really just sharing my feelings.

Right now, I'm sharing that I'm in limbo. I'm not crying, upset, or hurt. I don't need a call to make sure I'm okay (if I do, I will reach out). Limbo naturally leads me to a confused state since I like neatly folded conclusions that are wrapped with a bow. But I guess life isn't like that. I'm learning, and that's the best I can do.

The Softer Side of Alpha

To all of those folks who told me I really didn't need a dominant alpha male as a partner...

You may have been right. Well, partially.

This weekend, I had another date with DW, and he is a perfect partner for me. He is not a D on the DISC assessment, so not a hard-nosed, dominant alpha (which is what I had been looking for during my 4.5 years of singledom). Instead, he is an I-S and an INFP. He is outgoing, caring, sweet, and confident. That's the clincher: he is confident and truly an alpha, but he is one of the softer variety.

During the short time that we've known each other, I have seen how this man takes care of things. He made plans for our last date, did not ask any silly questions that scream of a lack of self-assuredness, and made me feel completely safe in is company. THAT is what an alpha is; if you look at a lion's pride, the alpha there is a quiet leader who only shows his strength when needed (just re-watch The Lion King). I've met a few men who are very much like this (and D's on the DISC), but I've discovered that too many of those men are so independent and don't mesh well with another D (me).

DW is strong and gentle, a combination I've not found in my life. It's disarming and greatly welcome. It helps that he's attractive, fit, an involved father to his two boys, and knows all kinds of pop-culture references. That's what got me initially interested, but the self-confidence is what will keep me around. That and the way he looks at me.

Yep, I'm smitten.

Cat & Mouse

It seems that the game of cat and mouse is one of the oldest, yet I'm just now starting to get the hang of it—at 41 years of age.

In my dating life, I have been the cat, wanting to be the mouse. But who wants to give up that much control and pine, wait, and whine for the cat to catch up with me? So I've turned the tables and pounced on the would-be cat, confusing both of us and reversing the logical order of things. Traditionally, it has more or less set up the eventual failure of the relationship.

At the moment, I am interested in a man in my life. He and I met as potential dating partners, but after discovering he was looking for an NSA FB situation, while I was searching for something more substantial, we chose to "agree to disagree" and become friends. The kicker is that, on paper, we're pretty perfect for each other. So he has continued to have an FB, I have continued to search for a dating partner, and we have spoken to each other regularly. But I have been the one making all of the calls.

Granted, he's always taken my call or been quick to get back to me, but who's doing the chasing? Yep, that's me meowing in the corner.

Not too long ago, this man let me know that men like to be on the prowl. They don't know what to do when a woman takes the lead. Hmm... was that a hint? Since then, I have not reached out to him. What happened, you ask? He started calling me! First it was every other week, but when I didn't respond, it turned into two times a week. I still haven't actually called him back; instead, I've sent texts to the effect of: "Hey. Doing xx. Catch you later."

Sure, it's a game, and I hate games. I would much rather call when I want to call, blah, blah, blah. Is this what dating has become?

Dating Personas

I've taken a lot of time recently (meaning the last few years) to think about what I'm looking for in a man as I move forward. A lot of the talk has been about finding an alpha man, since I get perturbed when I'm with a man who seems to have no backbone. But maybe I've been barking up the wrong tree.

Yesterday, while out with a couple who's been together for the better part of 20 years, we talked about this. The point was: Have I ever seen two alphas in a relationship? And have I even been with an alpha? Do I know if I can yield? The truth: I've never been with a strong man. When I was younger, they freaked me out. Now, I find so few of them—and they kind of freak me out still. Losing control is a serious vulnerability for me.

The conversation continued that evening when I hung out with my very good friend (brother from another mother). He and I dated for a couple of years a decade ago, so he has a unique perspective I can't gain from others. I asked him, "Do you see me as sexually aggressive / assertive?" After thinking about it for a few minutes, he said yes. I told him about my dilemma, and he asked, "Who do you want people to see when you're putting yourself out there?" Hmm...

This relates back to a business meeting I had on Friday. That company creates personas of potential target markets so the clients have a better understanding of how to reach those targets. What if I create a persona of the people I want to meet? And then create a persona for me?

My friend asked if I want to be the cute girl, sexually alluring, smart, etc. I know I DON'T want to be the sexually alluring person; that sets me up as sexually aggressive, and that's not at all who I am. I'm much more the smart, funny girl, the one who enjoys getting nerdy talking about language, culture, tech gadgets, and comic-book characters. I love men who can carry on conversations about those kinds of things and who are smarter in them than I am. Of course, I want them to be attractive and fit as well, which might be where I'm tripping myself up.

I think what it boils down to is trying too hard. If I test every man who shows up as a potential dating partner, I'll scare a majority of them away before we even get started. And if I make all kinds of rules about whom I'll talk to, I'll likely talk to no one.

So I'm going to create a persona for my ideal guy and a persona for how I fit best with that man. Then I'm going to be me because, honestly, I really like who I am when I'm authentic. At least I know I'm already happy, so I won't be losing anything there.

False Pretenses?

I am not good at attracting men. I'm not sure that I ever have been, which is kind of weird to say for someone who was nearly always dating someone from the time I was 17 until recently. In my early years, I was obsessed with men wanting me for my looks, since I was always seen as one of the guys. But then that put me into a different category: If I'm one of the guys and attractive, I must be easy. That's something I never was, so that leads me back to where I am now: creeping up on one year of celibacy and dating only one man in four years (for a mere two months).

Recently, I was talking to one of my many male friends (one of the guys, remember?), and we were talking about how I scare men by being so frank and honest. He knows me pretty well, and he suggested that had I been more subtle at the beginning and then opened up the layers to reveal that more aggressive, atypical female side, it would have been way more attractive.

Today, I asked another male friend who knows me as well as the first, and he agreed completely. Apparently, one must appear to be like 99% of the women out there, and then—only once the man is smitten—reveal who one really is. In other words, if I want to win, I have to play the game.

Just as I'm not good at attracting men, I'm equally poor at playing games. I play to win, and I am aggressive. Just ask anyone who's played me in Words with Friends. And I'm scared to death of losing, to be honest about it.

If I am more demure at the beginning, I'm more vulnerable. I don't have a way to vet out potential partners if I don't test them at the beginning by tossing out sexual innuendos and seeing how they respond. I want a man who is unafraid of my banter and will volley with me. Can this be achieved with softness?

Actually, I tried that approach not too long ago, around the same time a coach gave me a DISC assessment. That showed me to be fighting with myself and not being true to who I am. As the coach pointed out, if I catch a man as one person and then am really someone else, he'll likely run anyway. So wouldn't I rather he run at the get-go instead of after I'm invested?

My head hurts....

Testing 1...2...3

Recently, I've met a few men who have flirted with me (they talked to me longer than five minutes, which men tell me constitutes as flirting). This is a rarity both for it to happen and for me to notice it is happening, believe me. What I've also noticed is that I am pretty consistent in testing them before it goes too much farther.

If you talk to one of my male friends who fashions himself a life coach, he'll tell you that women are constantly testing, and maybe that's true. I know that I definitely do it, because I want to make sure we'll be compatible and that he can deal with all of the different facets of me. I'm not sure that I do it while I'm actually in a relationship, but it's been so long since that happened that I can't really say.

In the process of testing, I'll drop little things that give the guy a hint of who I might be if we move forward. I'll talk about sex, tell silly jokes, mention that I host and attend clothing-optional pool parties. The truth of the matter, of course, is that all of these things are truly topical and not at all what define me. They hide the real me who is vulnerable and really wants to be the beta or submissive female to an alpha, dominant man in a trusting partnership. But the man has to get through my superficial tests before I let him know about that part of me.

Ladies: Do you routinely test men as either part of your dating or ongoing relationship?
Men: Have you been (or felt you've been) tested by a woman? How have you dealt with it?

After the Love...Who Bounces Back Faster?

At a small dinner party with a few friends, we started talking about relationships. One of the men at the party said he thinks that women tend to bounce right into the next relationship after the previous one ends, whereas men stay single longer, lamenting about the one who got away.

This perplexed me. In my life, I've seen my exes get into new relationships much faster than I have, especially when love was involved. If I was in love, I took a good deal of time to get over and purge that man from my heart before stepping into something new. On the other side of the coin, the men have married within 1-2 years of our partnership ending. That seems pretty fast to me.

Of course, I do tend to approach the world of dating and relationships more from a male's perspective, so maybe that's where the difference lies in my experiences. But when I look at my friends' ins and outs of dating on Facebook, most jump pretty quickly—regardless of gender. So maybe it's just a human nature thing: We don't want to be alone.

What's your experience?