Perspectives and Priorities

What a difference a few years make.

I haven't written regularly in this blog since the last time I was dating someone, more than two years ago. It seems that when I am dating someone, I get more reflective on life in general and have more to say. It's not that I don't think when I'm completely single, but I guess I think more when I have a man in my picture.

So I took some time today and reread the blogs I wrote those years ago. What an interesting perspective to have had then and to have now. Truly. In some ways, I've grown so much, and in some, I'm still learning.

When I read a blog about taking my time with the last man I dated, I had to laugh. Time? We had sex on our second date. That's no time at all. There was no foundation. And since I'm a woman, sex releases those endorphins that make me (and all other females, I guess) feel loving feelings. A house of cards is all you build when it's based on having sex on date two.

Currently, I am dating someone whom I have to say I love. I am not "in love" with him, but I can sense myself falling in that direction. And surprisingly, we did take our time. Although my friends likely assume someone as sexually charged as I am is jumping into bed the moment a handsome man says hello, with this man, we waited three weeks—and we actually knew each other for three months before our first date.

The difference here is that I began to love this man before our clothes came off. He won me over with his old-fashioned chivalry, his genuine interest in me, and his overwhelming kindness. On my list of things I had been seeking in a man, he hits few of what I would have considered the "big" ones. But there's chemistry there, and it's hard to deny. When I think of him, I smile.

What's changed now is that I wasn't looking for this wonderful man. On our first date, I told him what I'd told my business coach at the beginning of the year: Finding a relationship has not been a priority for me. I am extremely happy in my life and haven't felt the need to add anything. However, should a relationship present itself, I wouldn't go running.

Well, that relationship is here.

So far, it's easy, lighthearted, and fun. We're learning to dance. We kiss for hours. We hold hands and laugh together. Back in those old blogs when I was discussing what I wanted in a potential relationship, I was more or less describing what I have now. No pressures, no need to plan what will happen next year, and no urgency to do anything more than spend time together. It's refreshing. He dropped the trump by calling me his girlfriend, and that freaked me out. ME! But instead of overthinking it, I took a deep breath and said to myself, It's okay; enjoy.

And I very much am.

Love Came

Write a list, they said,

of all the traits I wanted in a man.

So the list was made,

and I outlined the perfect plan.

But love didn’t come.

Go out and date, they said.

Eventually I would meet the right guy.

So I posted an online profile

and wished and hoped the sparks would fly.

But love didn’t come.

Frustration set in,

and I threw my list away.

Instead, I concentrated on my life,

living to the fullest each and every day.

My life was full, happy, and fun

as I focused on smiling and being with my son.

But something was missing still.

Then you appeared, the man who didn’t meet my requirements

yet found the place inside of me I had been longing to fill.

Sometimes, when we stop looking,

we find exactly what we desire.

That wonderful man who makes me smile

and fills my heart and soul with a burning fire.

It was then that love came.

'Tis the Season

With just a few days until Christmas, I am feeling the love in the air. What is it about the holiday season that makes me want to grab some cocoa and cuddle in front of a warm fire with someone special? And while I definitely have someone special in my life — and he's a great cuddler — it's not quite the same as having a grown man in my life.

It's not all the time that I long for a partner, but it seems I'm not alone in this desire for someone with whom to share the holidays. For the past three days, my online profile has been blowing up with emails from a number of men. Is everyone hoping to make an instant love connection before the 25th? While I don't think that's quite possible, it's interesting that we're all looking together.

Maybe it's because I've been fighting a cold/flu for a few days, but I've also been dreaming about (the completely wrong-for-me) men and been a little horndog. In my dreams, I've been casting a wide net, which is rare for me. Instead of a super-hot, Abercrombie model, I've been thinking about kind-of-goofy guys who are into comic books. These guys would be a lot of fun, and we'd have tons in common, but that's a friend, right? I want to have a good physical connection to be more than just buddies at Comicon.

And of course, in the way that my mind wanders, that got me thinking about whom I CAN attract versus whom I DO attract. Historically, I have attracted men who are weaker (beta) and looking for a strong woman. What I want is a strong (alpha) man who appreciates an educated, strong-minded woman.

In working with my business coach on the business I am attracting, we went back to the thought of be - do - have: I am being the best damn copywriter and editor in the business, focused on delighting my clients; once my mindshift changes, what I attract changes. So I thought, why can't I do the same with my personal life? If I am being a confident, beautiful woman who makes her man feel appreciated and loved, shouldn't that man show up for me? Hey, it's worth a shot.

Although I don't think I'll meet him in the next four days. :-)

Let's Cut to the Chase

I don't like dating. I'm not good at it, and very little about the idea of "trying on" different men does anything for me. Sure, some people enjoy the getting-to-know you stage, the first kisses, the awkwardness ... but I like things to be known, comfortable, and simple. I think this may be part of the reason dating doesn't work too well for me.

Men seem to like the chase. There have been books written on the subject of this dating game and what we're supposed to do when. I, on the other hand, just want to be caught. No chasing required. If I'm interested in a man, I'm his. And I'm loyal. Once I've made up my mind, I'm not looking around any longer. I'm more than happy to take myself off the market. This freaks out men because they feel I'm rushing into something or pushing them.

Although all of us probably have some codependency issues, I honestly believe my desire to skip all of the formalities and just get into a relationship isn't about that. It's about knowing what's next. As I've mentioned before in this blog, I am a high I/D in the DISC assessment: I like to have fun, but I also like to get down to business. And relationships work exactly the same way for me.

So while I enjoy going out and having fun (i.e., dating), I can skip over all of that awkward craziness that happens during the beginning dating stages. I just want to be in a relationship. I'll work to keep it solid and loving once it's established, but can't I just jump there from the get-go? I mean, if we realized pretty soon that it was a fit, let's just "play house" and see where it goes. I'm not going to move in with you tomorrow, but some certainty would make me pretty happy.

Big Thinking

I'm a big thinker. I always have been. I remember being seven or eight and considering my place in the universe and how little and insignificant I was within the bigger picture. Because of the way I thought, I knew that when I had a child, he or she would be a big thinker, even way before my son entered the world. (He is, of course.)

One might think that "thinking" is a good thing, and generally, one would be right. It's good to exercise the brain and think outside the box to realize better solutions. However, sometimes thinking too much is a big hindrance to life — especially when it comes to dating. That's when we start calling it "mental masturbation," and I am quite guilty of doing that.

Lately, I've been thinking about that big question: Do I want to have someone in my life? Although my standard response is no, I think the truth is that "no" encompasses most people. But I'm not looking for most people; I'm only looking for one.

And sure, I love my life the way it is. I am still not eager to change everything to accommodate another person joining me, at least not right at the moment. It will take me some time to be at that place. But recent circumstances have made me wonder if there's a possibility that I could have that partnership in my life. I'll admit that I miss having a strong arm around me or a caring voice to share the day's events. But the time and energy needed to find that are, well, something I'm not willing to spend.

Today on Facebook, this came up in my feed, and it really spoke to me:

This is not the partner I want: the one who isn't available and is unsure how to share his feelings. I want the strong man who doesn't want to play games and can tell me what's in his heart. The question, then, is where are such men? And will thinking this much about a man like that make him appear?

The Thought That Lingers

Recently, the last man I dated has come up in conversation more often than he probably should, given that we only dated three months and it ended back in May. On Friday, I was chatting with a friend who is working on a book about types of men. His take: the ex wasn't ready for a relationship, so that didn't count for the purposes of his discussion. Then tonight, while out to dinner with a friend, he suggested I will likely fall in love with an alpha man who is alpha out of confidence (as opposed to insecurity) and who is educated. My response: "I did. That was the last guy I dated."

The truth is a little scary.

Clarity is a good thing, and I welcome it. My ex-husband and I have been getting along recently, so that weight is off my shoulders. And business is going well, keeping me totally on my toes with much to do, so I'm not worried about that either. So I guess I have time to think about things I really shouldn't be considering — and perhaps finding clarity in the process. To get here, I've had some "help" from these friends who've been asking about the men in my life. Since there aren't any, I naturally go back to the last one.

It's always challenging to look for something when you have a "list" to fulfill, and my friend this evening suggested I have too long a list. But I was able to whittle it down to just three things:
1. Share similar values
2. Be attracted to each other
3. Engage and excite each other

I don't think any of these things are optional, and #3 really encompasses all kinds of things: sexual appetite, education level and intelligence, and sense of humor, to name a few. One would think it might be easy to fulfill a list of three requirements, but it really isn't. In the five years since my ex-husband and I split, I've dated two people with intention — and only one got that close to my heart. Those men that pull on my heart strings aren't readily available in the dating world. They're friends, and I have some wonderful male friends, but ones who engage me, are attractive, and have my values? They're hard to find.

So I linger. And I think about things I have no right to think. *Sigh*

Sex and the Marriage Curse

There's a joke I'm sure we've all heard: What's the #1 thing that makes sex stop? Wedding cake. Unfortunately, it seems true, and I'm learning that, for some, having been married at all in one's life makes one's passion for sex decrease. If marriage is supposed to make us closer and sex easier to have, shouldn't that increase the passion? Perhaps familiarity is the death of sex.

I noticed this with the last person I dated, who had been with his ex-wife nearly 20 years. We were at the beginning stages of our dating, when we should be screwing like teenagers. However, even though we only saw each other about every other weekend, we would only have sex once or twice over the course of the weekend. I would have been happy to have sex pretty much constantly, yet he was okay with doing it much less often.

Perhaps the issue is that, once we've been married, we are searching for a certain level of comfort, for companionship, and the sex thing isn't the driving reason we partner up with people. Certainly, I can agree with that for myself. Although I have a higher libido than the average person, I too am looking for a partner with whom I can enjoy shared interests; it's not all about the sex. But good sex is a nice addition. Honestly, I can find companionship from my son, but there's obviously a whole area of passion that is not in that relationship. That's one of the reasons I would want a man in my life.

It seems that a married person (or perhaps someone with the experience of having been married) is happy with sex twice a week (sometimes it's more like twice a month!). Many that I know don't even prioritize sex anymore, which surprises me. I guess that, were I married again, I might fall into a twice-weekly pattern of sex, but I would hope that we would both be focused on having sex a little more often. When sex dies off, you start to get settled and forget why you're with the person in the first place.

What are your thoughts? Do you think marriage curses sex?