Dating Personas

I've taken a lot of time recently (meaning the last few years) to think about what I'm looking for in a man as I move forward. A lot of the talk has been about finding an alpha man, since I get perturbed when I'm with a man who seems to have no backbone. But maybe I've been barking up the wrong tree.

Yesterday, while out with a couple who's been together for the better part of 20 years, we talked about this. The point was: Have I ever seen two alphas in a relationship? And have I even been with an alpha? Do I know if I can yield? The truth: I've never been with a strong man. When I was younger, they freaked me out. Now, I find so few of them—and they kind of freak me out still. Losing control is a serious vulnerability for me.

The conversation continued that evening when I hung out with my very good friend (brother from another mother). He and I dated for a couple of years a decade ago, so he has a unique perspective I can't gain from others. I asked him, "Do you see me as sexually aggressive / assertive?" After thinking about it for a few minutes, he said yes. I told him about my dilemma, and he asked, "Who do you want people to see when you're putting yourself out there?" Hmm...

This relates back to a business meeting I had on Friday. That company creates personas of potential target markets so the clients have a better understanding of how to reach those targets. What if I create a persona of the people I want to meet? And then create a persona for me?

My friend asked if I want to be the cute girl, sexually alluring, smart, etc. I know I DON'T want to be the sexually alluring person; that sets me up as sexually aggressive, and that's not at all who I am. I'm much more the smart, funny girl, the one who enjoys getting nerdy talking about language, culture, tech gadgets, and comic-book characters. I love men who can carry on conversations about those kinds of things and who are smarter in them than I am. Of course, I want them to be attractive and fit as well, which might be where I'm tripping myself up.

I think what it boils down to is trying too hard. If I test every man who shows up as a potential dating partner, I'll scare a majority of them away before we even get started. And if I make all kinds of rules about whom I'll talk to, I'll likely talk to no one.

So I'm going to create a persona for my ideal guy and a persona for how I fit best with that man. Then I'm going to be me because, honestly, I really like who I am when I'm authentic. At least I know I'm already happy, so I won't be losing anything there.