Choose Love

As we get older, I guess we mature a little bit—or at least we're supposed to. I am 46 now, and I think I have learned a few things through a number of relationships, being a mom, and running a business. The biggest thing I have probably learned is that life is a choice. We have a number of choices every single day. And I choose to be happy.

I have been with D now for more than a year. He is in my heart completely. He, P, and I have forged a  family. In fact, while D is currently out of town helping his family put on a roof, the four of us (P, the pets, and I) are at his home, which has somehow become our home.

When I entered into this relationship, I made a commitment to myself and to D that I would choose him every day. And I do, as he chooses me. Because of that, we don't have conflict. We don't argue. We don't raise our voices at each other. If we disagree, we speak calmly and listen. We approach every situation with love. Always. And what a difference that makes.

I have never had a relationship like this. Always, in the past, I have either been content and felt that I didn't need to focus on the relationship, or I was looking at others and wondering what life might be like there.

Here, I don't wonder. Sure, I can acknowledge an attractive man. But what I have is so much more than that. I find D extremely attractive, yet it's so much more than looks. He knows my heart; he knows my mind. He knows all of the buttons to push to turn me on. He's the first person I talk to in the morning and the last one at night.

Because we have chosen to be in this relationship, not only do we live a stress-free relationship, it's also not work. So often, I've heard, "You have to work at a relationship." All you really have to do is be present, listen, and love. And that's not work at all.

I learned that from being a mom. So many parents say being a parent is hard, but it's the same as any other relationship: When you are present, listen, and love, it's easy. Being a mom to P is very rarely work (sure, he's a kid; there are times). He taught me to love like this, to choose someone over anyone else.

Now I choose two people above all others. And it's easy. There aren't questions or concerns about the future. I know that D and I will be together when we're 90, and we'll still love each other then just as much as we love each other now.

No Wonder Airlines Charge for Baggage

I am genuinely a very happy person. Like most of us, I have experienced some amazing highs and heartbreaking lows in my life—and I choose to continue to look at the bright side in everything. Sometimes, though, the littlest things can remind me how much baggage I truly carry.

My man is out of town this weekend for a family birthday party. We text daily, but we're both busy with our weekend activities. I went to sleep early last night, saying good night to him before I drifted off.

This morning, I awoke to a later good-night text from him, which was super sweet (as he always is). I also had a good-morning text waiting for me. And then I checked my email.

There was an email from D with the subject line: My Dear Amanda Lynn (his nickname for me after I told him I thought of giving myself the middle name Lynn before I realized that would make me a musical instrument). While an email from D should make my heart soar, I had a minor panic attack. Was it a "Dear John" letter? Did his weekend away convince him that he'd be better off without me?

Of course, I have absolutely zero reason to doubt D or his love for me. In the two months we've been dating, our feelings have only gotten stronger. He's not gone running for the door with anything I've said to him (no matter how unfiltered I can be), and he is sweet and kind at every turn. So it certainly wasn't for any reason he had given that my heart sank a little and I started to sweat at just seeing the email in my inbox.

The truth is that we all have preconceived notions and back-of-the-mind thoughts about everything. My nagging concern is that D will wake up one day and realize that this is who I truly am, then question why he ever spent time with me in the first place. It has nothing to do with him and everything to do with the baggage I carry in my heart and mind on a daily basis. And I am wise enough to know that it is not his job to help me sort through this baggage; that is something only I can do. But it is clearly going to take some time and some doing.

After I talked myself off the ledge and started breathing again, I opened the email. As expected, it was nothing short of wonderful. D told me how much he loves me and how amazing I am. It was heartwarming, as he always has been.

I don't know how long I'll have these nagging feelings at the back of my mind, but I do know that I wrestle with them daily. Honestly, this is the first relationship in which I feel more secure about his feelings and haven't worried as much as I have in the past—about everything. That broken heart that lives inside me knows that we can never truly know another person's heart, but I push through every day to remember that D loves me and I have no reason to worry.

The Importance of Emotional Maturity

I follow a lot of relationship pages on Facebook, and many of them share great quotes and memes that really speak to me and sum up my viewpoints or feelings. Yesterday, I saw this one and thought, "Fuck yes!"

This quote from Reyna Biddy sums up my entire dating history in a way that I could not. In the past, I have referred to myself as a novelty that wears off after awhile, but this quote is even better. The idea of me is the novelty part that attracts them in the beginning, but once they realize that idea is also the reality, they run screaming from the room. I guess it's kind of strange to feel this way since I managed to get married twice, but neither of those lasted—probably because we didn't share the same level of emotional maturity.

When I was separating from my second husband, a friend at the time reflected that he'd noticed at the beginning of our relationship that my ex and I were not on the same emotional maturity level. In his eyes, we were doomed from the start. My ex was a frat boy always looking to drink and party; I was ready to settle down and have a family. We didn't have the same goals.

I have been in love three times, and the first two times, that novelty (or idea) wore out before too long. My second husband actually said I'm an island; I don't need anyone. I was very clear with the man I'm dating now that I am not who those people have perceived me to be. Sure, I'm not like a lot of the women I know or the women most men have dated. I am a WYSIWYG; I don't double talk or play games. For most men, this is what's refreshing at the beginning because they see me as independent and a straightforward communicator. They've been programmed to deal with passive-aggressive double talk, and they appreciate something different.

But then that changes. I'm intense. I know this. And for not-so-strong men, they almost prefer a more passive woman who stews in her own juices rather than speaking to him in a straightforward way.

Because I so identify with this quote, I posted it on my Facebook page. A few hours later, a friend reached out to me: "Did something happen?" I had no idea what she meant, and it turns out she and another friend figured my man and I had broken up since I posted this quote. I hadn't thought that people might worry, but when I read it again, I could see why they jumped to conclusions.

Nope, my man and I are secure. He's been out of town for more than a week on a fishing trip with his parents, so I miss him a lot, but I never worry about our relationship. Even though he's in an area where there's limited cell coverage, he texts me good morning and good night almost daily, and when he has gone into town, I have enjoyed a more robust text conversation. This wonderful man even texted on the morning of my son's first day of school to wish P a good day (his bio father didn't even do that). 

I believe that I have met the man who is emotionally mature enough to "handle" the reality of me. I have warned him, and he is not leaving. I have said things I'm sure I shouldn't have said, and he is still here. We have planned a family vacation to Disneyland over Halloween, so I have faith he is not going anywhere. 

So while this quote represents my dating life overall, it does not say anything about the man in my life now. He is a keeper, and I am so happy I am not a novelty to him. I thank my lucky stars every single day.

Laughter Breeds Love

Love can happen first with

     a LOOK across a crowded room,
     a TOUCH between two lovers,
     a GESTURE of affection when least expected.

But for me, while those things do help build love,
nothing makes love as deep and lasting as a laugh.

That little smirk the two of you share,
no words required.

A giggle during your most passionate times—
because something strikes you both as funny.

Bursts of uncontrollable laughter
about something crazy and random.

Laughter is the language of love.
Make me laugh, and I am yours.

Hindsight Leads to Second Guessing

We've all heard that hindsight is 20/20, but I call bullshit on that one. I know that we use the past as a tool from which to measure the present, but our viewpoint of our experiences is definitely clouded. When we're lonely, that not-so-great relationship seems not so bad; when we fall for a new person, we weigh him or her against those we've loved before. And all of this leads to second guessing what's going on now and what may transpire in the future. Frankly, it's exhausting.

But it's human nature.

I do it, and I see that the man I'm dating is doing it as well. We catch ourselves and avoid putting it all out there for each other to see. While our eyes clearly indicate that we love each other, and our desire to spend time together is evidence that we're looking to build something, neither of us has fully copped to it. Why is that? Well, I can't speak for him, but for me, I know it's about fear.

When I look back at my life, I can see that while I have loved many times, I was only truly in love twice. And since I'm with neither of those men, you can guess they ended—badly; with massive heartbreak. I'm not eager to repeat that feeling of utter loss and sadness. I am, however, very interested in creating something amazing that is long lasting and feeds my heart and soul. So how do I get one without moving into the other?

The other night, just as we were drifting off to sleep, this wonderful man whispered, "I love you." He was sleeping, so his subconscious shared with me how he feels, and since he's read these blogs, he knows how I feel, yet we hold back saying it directly. Hindsight? Second guessing? It's probably a bit of both.

I bring a lot more into this relationship than he does. I have a child, a dog, and a cat. I represent a COMMITMENT—yes, in big capital letters. That's freaky for even the best man to accept, especially after only a month of dating. I respect his desire to hold back a bit because of all of that. If I were in his shoes, I'd be scared too. Hell, I'm not in his shoes and I'm scared!

Ironically, many posts have been coming up in my Facebook feed lately about relationships. They say that a good relationship needn't be hard; instead, it should feel comfortable. They suggest that "the one" is the person with whom you can be 100% yourself and still feel accepted. I have been my crazy uncensored self with this man I love, and I do feel completely accepted. He's told me that I'm not like any woman he's dated, and I think that difference is what has allowed him to be himself with me. We've both let down our guards, and it is glorious.

So while hindsight tells me to be unsure, to second guess, and not to jump, my heart tells me this is the man I'm supposed to be with. This relationship is the happiness I've searched for. I've kissed a lot of frogs in my day, and this man is the prince.

Perspectives and Priorities

What a difference a few years make.

I haven't written regularly in this blog since the last time I was dating someone, more than two years ago. It seems that when I am dating someone, I get more reflective on life in general and have more to say. It's not that I don't think when I'm completely single, but I guess I think more when I have a man in my picture.

So I took some time today and reread the blogs I wrote those years ago. What an interesting perspective to have had then and to have now. Truly. In some ways, I've grown so much, and in some, I'm still learning.

When I read a blog about taking my time with the last man I dated, I had to laugh. Time? We had sex on our second date. That's no time at all. There was no foundation. And since I'm a woman, sex releases those endorphins that make me (and all other females, I guess) feel loving feelings. A house of cards is all you build when it's based on having sex on date two.

Currently, I am dating someone whom I have to say I love. I am not "in love" with him, but I can sense myself falling in that direction. And surprisingly, we did take our time. Although my friends likely assume someone as sexually charged as I am is jumping into bed the moment a handsome man says hello, with this man, we waited three weeks—and we actually knew each other for three months before our first date.

The difference here is that I began to love this man before our clothes came off. He won me over with his old-fashioned chivalry, his genuine interest in me, and his overwhelming kindness. On my list of things I had been seeking in a man, he hits few of what I would have considered the "big" ones. But there's chemistry there, and it's hard to deny. When I think of him, I smile.

What's changed now is that I wasn't looking for this wonderful man. On our first date, I told him what I'd told my business coach at the beginning of the year: Finding a relationship has not been a priority for me. I am extremely happy in my life and haven't felt the need to add anything. However, should a relationship present itself, I wouldn't go running.

Well, that relationship is here.

So far, it's easy, lighthearted, and fun. We're learning to dance. We kiss for hours. We hold hands and laugh together. Back in those old blogs when I was discussing what I wanted in a potential relationship, I was more or less describing what I have now. No pressures, no need to plan what will happen next year, and no urgency to do anything more than spend time together. It's refreshing. He dropped the trump by calling me his girlfriend, and that freaked me out. ME! But instead of overthinking it, I took a deep breath and said to myself, It's okay; enjoy.

And I very much am.

Love Came

Write a list, they said,

of all the traits I wanted in a man.

So the list was made,

and I outlined the perfect plan.

But love didn’t come.

Go out and date, they said.

Eventually I would meet the right guy.

So I posted an online profile

and wished and hoped the sparks would fly.

But love didn’t come.

Frustration set in,

and I threw my list away.

Instead, I concentrated on my life,

living to the fullest each and every day.

My life was full, happy, and fun

as I focused on smiling and being with my son.

But something was missing still.

Then you appeared, the man who didn’t meet my requirements

yet found the place inside of me I had been longing to fill.

Sometimes, when we stop looking,

we find exactly what we desire.

That wonderful man who makes me smile

and fills my heart and soul with a burning fire.

It was then that love came.

'Tis the Season

With just a few days until Christmas, I am feeling the love in the air. What is it about the holiday season that makes me want to grab some cocoa and cuddle in front of a warm fire with someone special? And while I definitely have someone special in my life — and he's a great cuddler — it's not quite the same as having a grown man in my life.

It's not all the time that I long for a partner, but it seems I'm not alone in this desire for someone with whom to share the holidays. For the past three days, my online profile has been blowing up with emails from a number of men. Is everyone hoping to make an instant love connection before the 25th? While I don't think that's quite possible, it's interesting that we're all looking together.

Maybe it's because I've been fighting a cold/flu for a few days, but I've also been dreaming about (the completely wrong-for-me) men and been a little horndog. In my dreams, I've been casting a wide net, which is rare for me. Instead of a super-hot, Abercrombie model, I've been thinking about kind-of-goofy guys who are into comic books. These guys would be a lot of fun, and we'd have tons in common, but that's a friend, right? I want to have a good physical connection to be more than just buddies at Comicon.

And of course, in the way that my mind wanders, that got me thinking about whom I CAN attract versus whom I DO attract. Historically, I have attracted men who are weaker (beta) and looking for a strong woman. What I want is a strong (alpha) man who appreciates an educated, strong-minded woman.

In working with my business coach on the business I am attracting, we went back to the thought of be - do - have: I am being the best damn copywriter and editor in the business, focused on delighting my clients; once my mindshift changes, what I attract changes. So I thought, why can't I do the same with my personal life? If I am being a confident, beautiful woman who makes her man feel appreciated and loved, shouldn't that man show up for me? Hey, it's worth a shot.

Although I don't think I'll meet him in the next four days. :-)

Let's Cut to the Chase

I don't like dating. I'm not good at it, and very little about the idea of "trying on" different men does anything for me. Sure, some people enjoy the getting-to-know you stage, the first kisses, the awkwardness ... but I like things to be known, comfortable, and simple. I think this may be part of the reason dating doesn't work too well for me.

Men seem to like the chase. There have been books written on the subject of this dating game and what we're supposed to do when. I, on the other hand, just want to be caught. No chasing required. If I'm interested in a man, I'm his. And I'm loyal. Once I've made up my mind, I'm not looking around any longer. I'm more than happy to take myself off the market. This freaks out men because they feel I'm rushing into something or pushing them.

Although all of us probably have some codependency issues, I honestly believe my desire to skip all of the formalities and just get into a relationship isn't about that. It's about knowing what's next. As I've mentioned before in this blog, I am a high I/D in the DISC assessment: I like to have fun, but I also like to get down to business. And relationships work exactly the same way for me.

So while I enjoy going out and having fun (i.e., dating), I can skip over all of that awkward craziness that happens during the beginning dating stages. I just want to be in a relationship. I'll work to keep it solid and loving once it's established, but can't I just jump there from the get-go? I mean, if we realized pretty soon that it was a fit, let's just "play house" and see where it goes. I'm not going to move in with you tomorrow, but some certainty would make me pretty happy.

Big Thinking

I'm a big thinker. I always have been. I remember being seven or eight and considering my place in the universe and how little and insignificant I was within the bigger picture. Because of the way I thought, I knew that when I had a child, he or she would be a big thinker, even way before my son entered the world. (He is, of course.)

One might think that "thinking" is a good thing, and generally, one would be right. It's good to exercise the brain and think outside the box to realize better solutions. However, sometimes thinking too much is a big hindrance to life — especially when it comes to dating. That's when we start calling it "mental masturbation," and I am quite guilty of doing that.

Lately, I've been thinking about that big question: Do I want to have someone in my life? Although my standard response is no, I think the truth is that "no" encompasses most people. But I'm not looking for most people; I'm only looking for one.

And sure, I love my life the way it is. I am still not eager to change everything to accommodate another person joining me, at least not right at the moment. It will take me some time to be at that place. But recent circumstances have made me wonder if there's a possibility that I could have that partnership in my life. I'll admit that I miss having a strong arm around me or a caring voice to share the day's events. But the time and energy needed to find that are, well, something I'm not willing to spend.

Today on Facebook, this came up in my feed, and it really spoke to me:

This is not the partner I want: the one who isn't available and is unsure how to share his feelings. I want the strong man who doesn't want to play games and can tell me what's in his heart. The question, then, is where are such men? And will thinking this much about a man like that make him appear?

The Thought That Lingers

Recently, the last man I dated has come up in conversation more often than he probably should, given that we only dated three months and it ended back in May. On Friday, I was chatting with a friend who is working on a book about types of men. His take: the ex wasn't ready for a relationship, so that didn't count for the purposes of his discussion. Then tonight, while out to dinner with a friend, he suggested I will likely fall in love with an alpha man who is alpha out of confidence (as opposed to insecurity) and who is educated. My response: "I did. That was the last guy I dated."

The truth is a little scary.

Clarity is a good thing, and I welcome it. My ex-husband and I have been getting along recently, so that weight is off my shoulders. And business is going well, keeping me totally on my toes with much to do, so I'm not worried about that either. So I guess I have time to think about things I really shouldn't be considering — and perhaps finding clarity in the process. To get here, I've had some "help" from these friends who've been asking about the men in my life. Since there aren't any, I naturally go back to the last one.

It's always challenging to look for something when you have a "list" to fulfill, and my friend this evening suggested I have too long a list. But I was able to whittle it down to just three things:
1. Share similar values
2. Be attracted to each other
3. Engage and excite each other

I don't think any of these things are optional, and #3 really encompasses all kinds of things: sexual appetite, education level and intelligence, and sense of humor, to name a few. One would think it might be easy to fulfill a list of three requirements, but it really isn't. In the five years since my ex-husband and I split, I've dated two people with intention — and only one got that close to my heart. Those men that pull on my heart strings aren't readily available in the dating world. They're friends, and I have some wonderful male friends, but ones who engage me, are attractive, and have my values? They're hard to find.

So I linger. And I think about things I have no right to think. *Sigh*

Sex and the Marriage Curse

There's a joke I'm sure we've all heard: What's the #1 thing that makes sex stop? Wedding cake. Unfortunately, it seems true, and I'm learning that, for some, having been married at all in one's life makes one's passion for sex decrease. If marriage is supposed to make us closer and sex easier to have, shouldn't that increase the passion? Perhaps familiarity is the death of sex.

I noticed this with the last person I dated, who had been with his ex-wife nearly 20 years. We were at the beginning stages of our dating, when we should be screwing like teenagers. However, even though we only saw each other about every other weekend, we would only have sex once or twice over the course of the weekend. I would have been happy to have sex pretty much constantly, yet he was okay with doing it much less often.

Perhaps the issue is that, once we've been married, we are searching for a certain level of comfort, for companionship, and the sex thing isn't the driving reason we partner up with people. Certainly, I can agree with that for myself. Although I have a higher libido than the average person, I too am looking for a partner with whom I can enjoy shared interests; it's not all about the sex. But good sex is a nice addition. Honestly, I can find companionship from my son, but there's obviously a whole area of passion that is not in that relationship. That's one of the reasons I would want a man in my life.

It seems that a married person (or perhaps someone with the experience of having been married) is happy with sex twice a week (sometimes it's more like twice a month!). Many that I know don't even prioritize sex anymore, which surprises me. I guess that, were I married again, I might fall into a twice-weekly pattern of sex, but I would hope that we would both be focused on having sex a little more often. When sex dies off, you start to get settled and forget why you're with the person in the first place.

What are your thoughts? Do you think marriage curses sex?

The Million-Dollar Question

Today at a networking event, after a colleague learned that I'm not married and don't have boyfriend, he asked, "Do you want a boyfriend?" I hesitated because I kind of do and kind of don't, but I definitely didn't want that guy in the potential mix. My answer was a definitive no, but it got me thinking: DO I want a man in my life?

In the five years I've been single, I have dated two men, for a total of about five months. I wouldn't call either of them a boyfriend, and they wouldn't even rank on my list of serious relationships. Do I want to walk down that path again and try to find someone to be a partner? The short answer is no, not now.

The truth is that I really like my life. I am getting better and better at balancing time between my son and work, and I get a little time for myself when Patrick is with his dad or at school. My business has been really growing lately, and I am looking forward to much more growth in the coming future because of the focus I've had recently. I am in balance, and I love that feeling.

The benefits of having a man in my life are, of course, many. I would really like to have sex on a regular basis (hey, a girl has needs!), but I've never been one for casual sex, and I don't see myself changing that ... ever. So I would need to have a relationship in order to have sex, and right now, that effort is not worth it for me — regardless of the fact that I'm in my 40s and in my sexual prime.

So the answer to the million-dollar question of whether or not I want a boyfriend is on the back burner for now. I am happy and not looking for anyone. Naturally, my viewpoint is open for change. Ask me next year.

Not the Sharpest Tool

Lately, I've been noticing more and more people who just aren't that bright. I know a common thought is that most people are pretty stupid — and I share that thought — but I haven't really been exposed to them that much in my life. In fact, I've made it a point to surround myself with those who are smarter than I am. Now, though, it seems that more "simple" people are crossing my path daily.

Since I was in school, I have hung out with the smart crowd, the nerds who were artists, writers, and thinkers. Having lived in a different country and in many states in the US, I have a broader worldview than many, and I've been attracted to those who can look outside of their little box. Even now, as a business owner, I draw in those who are successful and can teach me to be more successful. I read a lot of non-fiction, I watch intellectual shows, and my brain is full of all kinds of useless knowledge. I guess I just don't understand when others don't challenge themselves and are okay to be simple and just get by in life.

Perhaps it goes to belief systems. As an atheist, I believe that I am only going to be on this planet one time and I need to make the most of that 100 or so years I'm alive. Most of my friends are also atheists or agnostics, so they continue to better themselves for their limited lives. I think it really hit me that there are some not-so-bright folks walking around when an atheist friend recently showed her cards. I thought it was just me being judgmental (I tend to do that), but when another friend had similar issues communicating with this woman, I realized it was really with her. That opened my eyes to see so many people around me who are just going day to day and not questioning anything or even wanting anything real. It's surprising to me.

Another group is those folks who aren't that bright — but they think they are. They come across as trying so hard to be intellectually superior, yet they miss the mark and just look like buffoons. They look down on the simple lot, but the truth is they're among them.

Of course, I realize that simple people are often not unhappy. They are perfectly content to live life as they've constructed it, and I may be in the minority in my frustration on their behalves. I guess it's kind of like "The Matrix": If you knew there was something more to learn, would you? Or would you just continue living in a haze? I'll take the red pill, please.

The Power of Polish

There's definitely something to be said for "girling it up." Although I like dresses and skirts and love to look good, I am a bigger fan of being comfortable and saving money. I'm not ashamed to admit that the places I primarily shop for clothes are Old Navy and Target, with occasional finds at Goodwill. If something is more than $25, it's hard for me to spend money on it. I'm frugal, and being a girl can be expensive and time consuming! However, there is a huge benefit to creating that feminine mystique: men completely eat it up!

All I need to do is put on a pencil skirt, three-inch heels, and nail polish, and men pay attention. I went to a networking event last week dressed as such, and being "girly" was way more powerful in creating relationships than anything I shared about my business. Even colleagues I'd known for years were falling over themselves to say hello and compliment me on how good I looked. It was a huge boost to my ego — and a big wake-up call.

Men want feminine women. Just as I, as a woman, want a man with some muscles, hair on his chest, and a five-o'clock shadow, men want a woman who is soft, hairless, and puts a little effort into her appearance. And since I am frugal, I've found ways to save money while still glamming it up.

Mani / Pedis

Nail polish averages about $3 a bottle and up to $10 for O.P.I., one of the best brands on the market. Ulta always has coupons to save a little off that price, and polish lasts quite a while. It may take a little practice to be an expert, but that French manicure can come later. I have it down to a science now, and my do-it-myself French mani / pedi is nearly as good as a corner nail salon, which will cost $20–30 a month.

Makeup

If you're putting things on your skin, you need to be wary about skimping on quality. However, The Body Shop — my favorite place — just ran a 50%-off makeup sale, where I got two eyeshadows and foundation for $20. Makeup lasts about 3–6 months, depending on how much you wear and how often, so you only have to drop the bucks two or three times a year, meaning you can save up and budget.

Hair

Believe it or not, I cut and color my own hair. It's pretty much a straight cut with some graduated bangs, so it's easy to cut (it's long). Coloring is more time than money, and as I want to cover my grays more frequently now, I save a TON of money by doing this all myself. If you don't think you can cut your hair yourself, try Cost Cutters, Fantastic Sam's, or a beauty school; they usually do a pretty good job.

Clothes

You don't need to shop at Nordstrom's to look fantastic. I literally do shop at Target, Old Navy, and Goodwill. I don't like to shop, and I don't like to spend money, so these are much better choices for me. Both Target and Old Navy have coupons and sales all the time, and Goodwill runs a 50%-off sale every other Saturday. I've gotten a number of great items for very little money. And the best part is that no one is the wiser.
 

Attitude

So looking great attracts the men, and we do that through our hair, makeup, nails, and clothes, but it's the attitude that really cements the look. Men are looking for confidence, which is presented in posture, and warmth, which happens as soon as you smile. A positive, confident, and warm attitude is priceless, so put on that gorgeous outfit, girl it up, and realize the power of polish.

The Art of Kissing

There is more than one way to get into a woman's skirt, but likely none is as effective as a good old-fashioned kiss. The kiss is what tells us if there's more to learn, and the lips seem to be directly connected to both our sex glands and heart. How that is, I can't say, but it's something that many men don't seem to realize. They rush in open mouthed, tongue extended, a little too eager. If only they took a little time and focused on kissing and some passion, they'd likely see better results.

The best kisses become more of a "session" than just one or two kisses. Good kissing in and of itself can be pretty exciting foreplay, but you have to settle in a little bit first. The rest will come, and I promise it will be wild with abandon if the kissing starts on the right foot.

This Is Not a Porno
In x-rated movies, the point is not to highlight kissing, but when they do show any mouth-to-mouth action, it's typically more tongue to tongue than lips to lips. The best way to start a kiss is slowly. Let me repeat that: Slow down! If you're in a race to "get some," either hire someone or go it solo. When you're seducing a woman, the key is to let things linger; make her want it to move forward quicker than you're progressing. It's the secret to creating that longing and passion. Trust me.

Close Your Mouth
When babies are learning to kiss, their mouths are open and you're left with a face full of wetness. It's cute on an eight-month-old, but it's not as attractive coming from a forty-year-old man. I've seen a lot of this recently, and it's, well, gross. No one wants to see that at the pool (where I saw it), and there's no passion in a kiss that isn't a kiss at all. Once you get into things, kisses come faster and may be more open, and you'll find tongues searching for each other in the dark ... but that's another blog.

I'm not talking about keeping your mouth closed the whole time you're kissing, of course, but the first kisses shouldn't involve any tongue at all. Linger on the lips for a bit. Then, once the passion ignites, by all means use tongues, but don't enter the situation open mouthed. Instead, start with a closed mouth and then use your tongue to explore her lips and find her tongue and play with that a bit. Then end that kiss with closed mouth before moving on to the next one. Keeping your mouth open the whole time isn't even practical; you'd be drooling all over the place!

No Biting
Okay, I'll admit that this one may just be me, but I don't understand biting my lip during a kiss. If you want to nibble, there are far more exciting body parts on which to show a little teeth; the lips aren't it for me.

Use Your Hands
While kissing happens at our mouths, there are two whole bodies involved. Start with a simple hug, but pull her closer when you want to up the passion. Or explore parts of her body with your hands, slowly and then more aggressively. One of my favorite lines from a song is from Sting's "Fields of Gold": "Feel her body rise as you kiss her mouth." If you're doing it right, this will definitely happen. That's your cue that you're on the right track and to continue — or walk away, depending on your ultimate goal.

Have a Technique
Thankfully, I've only had to teach maybe two men how to kiss, and that was when I was younger, but I have come across more than that who had no "game." You really need to have some sort of plan in your head on how to kiss to make it effective. Do you want her clothes to be falling off her body? Do you want to just say good-night and leave her longing?

And don't just kiss her lips. Check out her her neck, decolletage, or ears. There's a lot of lust as you move closer to the rest of her body. She's left guessing what you'll do next and is eager with anticipation.

Each person is different, and each kiss is unique. Your innocent good-night kiss may well turn into a passionate toss around the bedroom (or kitchen, hallway...), but very little starts without a fantastic kiss.

One for Sex, One for Dating

As I've mentioned, I'm reading Unhooked Generation, which talks about the abundance of choices we have these days, whether in dating or pasta sauces. So many choices make a decision hard to come to. What if something even better is right around the corner?

Dating is challenging enough, but it gets even more complicated when you think about the fact that our generation has no rules. Our parents didn't have sex until they married, and they knew the steps: courting, dating, going steady, getting engaged, getting married... and THEN sex. It was completely different than how we manage dating now, which sometimes starts with sex. And sometimes it doesn't even get past that.

Unfortunately, while most human beings crave sex, there's no set timeline as to when it should occur in a dating situation. What is for sure is that most men say that if a woman has sex with them too soon, it's over. But if it's been awhile, the tension can be unbearable. So what's a girl to do?

The other day, I was talking about this dilemma with a girlfriend, and she pointed out that's why she has ex-boyfriends in her mix. She is currently dating a new guy (three weeks in) and calls on the ex as needed to help keep her mind in the game. That's a great idea — if you have an ex on whom to call. When I lived in NY, I had a friend to call (I even visited him once after I moved to AZ), but here, my exes are in that category for good reason. I've not stayed friends with any of them. So I can either ramp up with a new guy just for sexual release, or I can float by on my own until I find someone worthy of dating. And, yes, I've been choosing the latter.

Apparently, though, a quick survey of many of my female friends shows that most don't have such a burning desire (or is that a need?) for sex. They're content to use their vibrators twice a month and call it good. They look at me funny when I say that sex is one of my main considerations in life, much less in a relationship. So I seem to be in the minority.

What do you think? Is it a good idea to have a little something-something in the wings while you continue to look for "the one"?

Passion or Stability?

When looking for a relationship, most of us will say we want it all. We want to be swept off our feet at just the sight of that special someone, and we want something that feels comfortable and "right." But is that even possible?

I'm currently reading The Unhooked Generation, all about how Generation Xers have such high expectations that they cannot possibly be met. Male or female, we have a list of what we desire in a mate. I have it too, so I'm certainly not pointing fingers, but how far has that list gotten me? Sure, there should be certain things we want in a relationship; obviously, if you're not attracted to the person, it can't go much farther. And many of us look for mates who share similar values, but what about all that other "fluff"? Is it a requirement for life-long happiness?

Many singles are online, and that approach to dating can really enforce the list mentality. When I was on OKCupid, I would go through a list of men who were atheist, white, and within a certain age range. Then I would look at their pictures. Most weren't attractive to me, so I was out of options. I got off that revolving wheel last month, and I don't envision myself going back. What's the point? That's just not a natural way to meet people. Don't we all judge on looks first and then take that dating time to figure out if there are any commonalities? With online dating, all of that courting is accelerated, pushing us to jump into bed sooner and then choose a direction: with or without that person. It's screwing up dating.

I believe that passion should be there in the beginning. You should want to be with that person and feel excited about seeing him/her. But passion doesn't last. It can burn slowly underneath everything, but those flames aren't going to rage on indefinitely. It's pretty much impossible. If you only have passion, you only have lust ... and then you're just fuck buddies.

Stability is what I think most of us want — even if some people don't want to admit it. Stability is that "comfortable" feeling so many people have felt is not good enough. But why? Without stability, you're always left wondering, trying to figure out what's going on. Why not be comfortable with that person you've chosen? I want to be so comfortable that I can share my innermost thoughts and feelings with my partner and know that he will love me no matter what. Stability is the basis of unconditional love. It's what keeps us together. Sure, passion is great, and I'm happy to work on keeping it alive, but I won't leave a partner the moment the flames of passion start to diminish. That's just silly.

Next time, though, I will work to maintain that passion at the beginning until stability is formed. Having sex before stability is established is a surefire way to end things before they have a chance to get started.

Just Looking, Thanks

The other night, I went to a monthly atheists Meetup. I was under the weather, as I have been for the past few days, and was just looking forward to getting out of the house and seeing a few friends. Surprisingly, I also saw some good-looking men there, which — let me tell you — is a rarity for me to find at one of these events. Usually, when I spot even one looker out in the world, my mind is off and running about the possibilities, but this time, I noticed and that was it.

Maybe it's because I've only been single for about a month and a half. Maybe I'm just not focused on the men around me. Whatever the reason, I don't find myself much interested in men at the moment. In fact, one of the men who showed up at the gathering was someone who had contacted me through Meetup to get together, and I've not thought of him as more than an activity partner throughout our conversations. Being in a relationship just isn't on my radar at the moment.

So I guess this is a good thing. My son is out of town for a couple of weeks, and I am excited to do a lot of working, a lot of TV and movie watching, and hiking and getting back to a regular gym routine (damn vacations!). I'm not at all interested in dating anyone at this point. But that doesn't mean I can't look....

Surprisingly, No Longings

Yesterday, my son and I returned from a week-long vacation at Walt Disney World. It was his first trip to Florida and the bigger of the two US Disney parks and the first time I'd been there in more than a decade. It was just he and I, and it rained nearly every day. But we didn't let that get us down. We pulled out the umbrella and kept soldiering on. The people watching (especially with the added stressor of bad weather) was fantastic. I saw good parenting, not good parenting, a lot of really large people, and a couple of amazing mullets. What a trip!

The last time I was at WDW, it was with the first "love of my life," and I was sick as a dog (found out while there that I was pregnant). I still have some good memories of that vacation and still harbor feelings for that man, although we haven't spoken in 12 years. In addition to that, it was only a month ago that DW ended our relationship. Going to not only a family-friendly destination but one where many lovebirds find themselves, I was thinking I would feel a bunch of romantic longings while there, either for Love #1 or DW. As it turns out, I longed for neither of them.

Instead of spending my time in the "happiest place on earth" thinking about lost loves, I thought about my true love, my son. We had excellent quality time together, we drove each other crazy, and we played — just as children and parents should. Sure, it might have been fun to have a great man with us (and possibly his children), but nothing felt like it was missing during this vacation.

Because there were only two of us in WDW, we found places to sit at restaurants easier, we were able to have more room in the rides, and we maneuvered through the crowds easily. We huddled under our umbrella and didn't have as many personalities and wants to take care of. It was easy and carefree.

Even as I return to the "real world," I don't find myself longing for these men — or any men, for that matter. I am reenergized about work, I am excited about the summer, and I am happy. A friend texted me today to ask if I was having any luck finding someone or if there was any hope of rekindling anything with DW. I answered that I'm not looking, and I am over DW. That ship has sailed, and I am very happy right now sitting on the harbor with my son, watching the other ships take off.